La reveuse

Wanting What You Can't Have

2009-09-05T22:47:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like

you don't want X
you decide maybe X would be okay
X begins to seem rather desirable
X seems attainable
X reveals itself as not attainable
you feel like a freaking moron
you try to remember when you didn't want X
you pretend you still don't want X
and refuse to talk about it

Yeah.

Downward

2009-08-13T18:52:00.000-07:00

Oh, to be a person without wild mood swings.

The upswings are fine. They make being friendly and sociable much easier. The downswings are not fine. I manage to hide them now. I get up and go to work and 99.99% of the time, I don't leave early. I do my grocery shopping. I talk to people. I do not, usually, burst into tears although sometimes I will get teary-eyed.

It's bad enough when it's just biochemical. When it's stupid, stupid stuff that I should know better about that either energizes me or drop-kicks me, I can add "you bloody moron, how old are you?" to the joys of dejection.

I am on a downswing. It will end. But it might end because something stupid will cheer me up. And I will know it's stupid -- and dangerous, because it's ephemeral and will subsequently let me down -- but I will run with it anyway, just for the relief of feeling my spirits soaring and a tingling happiness, just for a little while.

Sigh

2009-08-13T18:28:00.000-07:00

I wore colors for you. And you didn't even notice.

*~*~*~*~*~*

And while I'm at it: Messages are sent in order to be answered. If you don't answer them, you are sending a message anyway. Make sure that's what you mean to do.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Damnit.

That is all.

Stop me, damnit

2009-08-09T10:52:00.000-07:00

I've been reading blogs and seeing some pictures from Sock Summit, and some folks' cute short haircuts are calling to me.

I know my hair itself looks cute short -- it's curly and does these neat marcel waves across the back of my head. Also, it dries much faster than my current to-the-base-of-my-shoulder-blades mop of auburn wildness.

But I am a big person, and on me, a head with a short cap of curls looks like a cherry on top of a mountain of ice cream. (Food metaphor. How apropos.) Also, I like twisting my hair up into a semi-French twist and feeling all of it anchored, firmly -- unlike when short curls are just bobbing about. And there's the versatility of wearing it up, tumbling down my back or else in a ponytail.

I have to remind myself I don't look like a chic perky pixie with short hair, because the cuteness is getting to me -- as is the "hmm, no heavy hot hair" -- even though I know if I cut if off I'd regret it, especially since I hate going and getting my hair cut. I always look like crap in the mirrors, I have to chat, and I have to pay them! The only part I really like is getting the back of my neck shaved; that feels good.

I don't want to look like an aging hippie with long hair, but since it's thick, curly, and has no grey, and since I always wear makeup, that's probably an unfounded fear. (Aging hippies are fine people. I just don't fancy the look.)

Complete Inertia!

2009-08-08T11:47:00.001-07:00

I haz it.

It's beautiful and sunny out. I have

a. Vacuumed
b. Put some dishes away
c. Had toast and tea
d. Called my aunt

It's almost noon and I'm in my jammies still! Off to have tea with C at 2, but I should be doing so many things.

I finally did see a life coach last week. He was pretty tough love about a lot of things (my weight, my shyness, my procrastination), but that's good, mostly. The fact that he was also funny, and thought my intelligence and sense of humor were immediately apparent, was more pleasant! I have a to-do list, some of which I just can't blog about.

I've done much of it. Not all of it.

One thing he said is that whether I ever publish or not, I need to write as part of my creative life. Since I handed him extensive answers to the long questionnaire he requires, he got a pretty good sampling of my writing. I am having a followup meeting with him, and he told me he wanted an outline of the novel that has been in my head for a year or so. He actually made me stand up and pitch it to him... the amazing thing is, I did it. And I came home and by the end of the weekend had the outline done.

I was telling my sister I kind of have to go on autopilot and not think, "This idea is dumb. That idea will never work. I could never do X, Y, or Z because of A, B, and C." If I do that, I will be totally paralyzed, and paralysis is what has gotten me to my age and state in life.

However, the inertia is settling in. It's not the paralysis of terror or pessimism or overthinking, or the retreating to the "my life is miserable but at the moment it's not terrifying so I will just go back to the devil I know" sort of thing. It's just... laziness.

This is when it's not good to live alone. If someone was here to nudge me, that would help. Also, being able to split daily life chores helps with fatigue. OTOH, there are people with kids who work more than 40 hours a week and who get a lot done, so I should STFU, no?

And being married didn't help too much with that, anyway.

*~*~*

This week I totally faked a felted purse I may give as a Christmas gift, if it felts well. I had no pattern, just cast on enough worsted weight to get around a 24" circ (size 10, which I really only use for felting projects), and then after awhile bound off half the stitches and knit flat for a flap. Winged a buttonhole (bound off six stitches, cast them back on in the next row), am now making a strap. I ixnayed I-cord and the kind of strap I recently used on my own felted tote, since it was too wide. I'm just going with a strip of garter stitch since it will felt anyway. And if the whole thing turns out to be crap, well, I will chuck it... only three skeins of stash yarn and a week. It's not like ruining a sweater!

Next up is a hopefully simple-enough lace scarf for mememememe in what KnitPicks calls hyacinth but I call plain old dark purple.

And meanwhile I'm making dishcloths -- I like the way the mercerized cotton feels against the KP Harmonies, which are my all-time flat-out madly-in-love favoritest favorite needles ever. (Um, I like them.) They're useful, and I can probably get some neutral colors and make washcloths in the same patterns to wrap up with soap for small gifts. It's a good way to just practice stitch patterns, as well.

*~*~*

I don't know why, but I often have an image in my head from my freshman year of college. It was the fall of 1985 and I was going to a very small college nearby. I was in the basement of the library; there were carrels against the far wall, with windows above them that looked out onto the main road into the tiny campus and across to the trees beyond, and then down the hill. I was writing a paper on Sylvia Plath, and I wanted to work on campus for awhile. I remember walking down one of the stacks toward a carrel, with the light filtering in, and putting my books and whatnot down.

I don't know if I felt it then, but ever since, on the frequent occasions when that moment crosses my mind, I have such a feeling of peace and happiness and purpose. I had that feeling in other moments throughout college, but this one sticks with me for some reason; maybe because it was the first. I have never felt this way in post-academic life.

Religion & Emotion

2009-06-19T00:24:00.000-07:00

I was re-reading my last post and was thinking about how I have a pretty intellectual approach to faith, which probably seems counterintuitive. I had been talking really mostly about the practice of Catholicism and how people with my political views tend not to practice the sort of devotions that appeal to me. I hadn't really been addressing faith per se, or feelings at all. Things like whether or not one believes in the Real Presence are faith-related, of course, but that wasn't the main thrust of my thoughts.

I do wish I still had the rock-solid faith of my childhood, before I (funnily enough) went off to a Catholic college and lost my faith altogether til I was 29 or so. And I do wish I were more emotional about faith. Only once in recent memory have I had an emotional religious experience, while praying the rosary one night on my couch. In general, though, it's much more in my head than an emotional thing.

It's strange, since I can be very emotional in some situations. I wonder if I am afraid of what really breaking down internal emotional barriers, spiritually, might feel like/mean/result in.

In the meantime, I practice the devotions I am drawn to, meet my Sunday and holy day obligations, and try to settle into my niche as a politically liberal theological moderate-to-conservative. Possibly one day I will have the grace of a melted heart as well, or I may stay more Flannery O'Connor-like. We shall see.

Odd Theological Duck

2009-06-18T13:11:00.001-07:00

So, I was reading some blogs by more politically moderate-to-liberal Catholic women, and I'm coming to at least the interim conclusion that I am a completely odd duck theologically speaking, at least in this era.

I am a Democrat, and I part ways with traditional Church teaching when it comes to sex. (I'm not advocating sleeping around, but I do not hew the Church line on sex or contraception.) Otherwise, I am rather traditional: I believe in the Real Presence; I am fine with male-only priests; I honor Mary and the Communion of Saints; I love traditional music and chant; I want a formal and reverent liturgy; I say "for us men" in the Creed and I bow at the appropriate time; I don't call the Holy Spirit "she"; I attend Mass every week; I don't take Communion if I haven't gone to Confession and need to; I enjoy the Latin Mass; I wear a veil when I go and have been considering ways to unobtrusively cover my hair at my home parish; I often pray the rosary and/or the Divine Mercy chaplet; I enjoy going to Adoration. Etc.

So I'm not at home in either the trad or progressive camps. The trads are so anti-Democrat it's blinding. But I'm a union woman descended of union men; I'm someone who was raised working-class and is I suppose middle-class now by virtue of education and collar color but barely; someone who is against the death penalty and most of our wars; I believe in big government because I believe we can accomplish more banded together as a nation than as a collection of small groups or even states, and because we can't rely on the whim of people to give to private charities; I believe in a social safety net; I believe consenting non-related adults should be able to be joined legally if they wish and that this is simply a matter of fairness and civil rights and has nothing to do with whether any church should approve.

I can't set all that aside. And I believe that all of it, except my support for gay marriage, IS consistent with Catholic social teaching. None of it, anyway, is banned by Catholic social teaching. Given all that, I can never vote Republican; I can't side with the wealthy, the powerful, the institutionally selfish, the "family values" people who make me cringe (I haven't got a family -- have I no values? And that's code for "No gay people!" anyway); the "I got mine; pick yourself up by your bootstraps and no, I don't give a damn if you haven't got any," etc. (I realize not every Republican is like that... but whenever I hear a GOP politician speak I am appalled.) But it's a rare mantilla-wearing, TLM-attending person who doesn't vote that way. There must be one or two. But not many. And add to that my more relaxed views on sexuality in general...

On the other side, people who share my political views often have very... um... Protestant views of religion, even if they're Catholic. They do tend to do things like call the Holy Spirit "she," to wish for women priests, to blur the lines of the Real Presence, to not practice traditional devotions like the rosary or Adoration, to perhaps find me a bit much since I have statues, icons, and crucifixes at home, go to Confession, always go to Mass, wear crucifixes and medals, and the like. I think they would find both my internal and external manifestations of faith overblown.

And they'd probably think I was a political conservative.

I want to add strenuously that I believe most of them are far better people, and Christians, than I am. Far. We just don't share the same form of piety, even if we are both Catholic.

In most situations in my life -- family, school, work -- I've frequently been the black sheep, the odd one. And I guess so it is here, as well.

Early to Bed

2009-06-11T21:47:00.000-07:00

It's not even ten and I'm hitting the sack. I'm sure the feline occupants of this place will be pleased. I've cleaned up a bit, and knitted a bit, and read a bit... I am feeling a little less stressed than when I got home. It's possible there will be something awful waiting for me at work tomorrow... one can never discount that possibility at all. But I'm being more philosophical about it.

Quiet night tomorrow; aunt ferrying on Saturday before Mass and then another quiet night. I need them. Next week is only three days long, followed by my birthday! It will probably be quiet too, but I am fine with it. I'm very much in Hermit Bookworm mode at the moment.

I have discovered a couple of blogs written by practicing Catholic women who are more progressive than some of the other folks I've been reading lately. While I am very much drawn to/a practitioner of traditional devotions (and I don't call the Holy Spirit "she"), I am interested to read what they have to say, because I've definitely been struggling between my pretty darn liberal political views and my religion. More on them and that later.

Tense

2009-06-11T15:36:00.001-07:00

I am so sick of being tense and stressed out and, frankly, paranoid at my office.

This is not the life I envisioned for myself when I was a kid. Granted, I had unrealisitic expectations of being a writer when I was a kid. But at no point between consciousness and college graduation did I envision this sort of life.

It all comes down to money. I don't have any -- mostly because of my own stupidity -- and therefore I have no freedom. Or, I should say, I have just enough that I have no freedom. Those without any money at all have a terrible sort of freedom.

Somehow It's Sunday Again

2009-06-07T21:41:00.000-07:00

Sigh.

I made a batch of oatmeal cookies today, to take to work. And a pan of shortbread, which I took to my aunt. Who needs me to take her grocery shopping next weekend despite the fact that we have two unemployed people in our immediate family. I'm not sure of the logic there, but I have given up trying to figure it out.

The baked goods do seem to have all turned out well, though, which is gratifying. I hate it when I screw stuff like that up.

So last night I went out with my friend from out of town and one other friend... or, more precisely, I met them at a bar. It sucked a bit, since I knew only them and one other person, and ended up mostly watching sports TV I couldn't hear. I only stayed a couple of hours and came on home. Eh. I'd wanted to stay home and I should have.

I'm just not a social butterfly. I can only relax in certain milieux -- I need to know and like a very large proportion of the people. I don't like it when it's crowded (I got woozily claustrophobic at my family's Easter gathering this year) and I hate it when I feel old, huge, and/or wildly out of place.

These parameters make socializing difficult. Yet, in my Walter Mitty dreams, I am always having wonderful, cozy, intellectual evenings with a great group of smart, educated, interesting, funny, kind, like-minded comrades, with whom I am completely comfortable.

These people don't exist.

Well, they do, sort of. I have a very small handful of friends I feel comfortable with, and they are all indeed smart, educated, funny, and kind. The problems are these: They're almost all partnered, so it's not like we can just gather all together whenever. We're not exactly like-minded -- my religious friends are more politically conservative than I am (not hard to do) and the friends with whom I agree politically range from the apathetically agnostic to the atheist, with some vague "everyone is going to heaven and your religion doesn't matter" sort of things thrown in occasionally. This also means that mixing them up together might not be a good idea, except on the "let's blow up the chemistry lab" principle. And although I feel as comfortable with them as I am likely to feel with anyone, since I've been divorced there's no one I feel completely comfortable with.

And look what happened when I did feel completely comfortable with someone!

Of course in my Walter Mitty dreams we also don't seem to be in the US, but in a beautiful high-ceilinged ancient apartment somewhere in Europe. We're certainly not crammed into my ugly 1970 apartment. I guess that's why they call them fantasies.

It's a full moon, which means work tomorrow will undoubtedly dish up a rich assortment of craziness. Must sleep now.

One of Them

2009-06-06T12:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, at Trader Joe's, I was one of the people who drive me nuts there. The location closest to home is set up totally differently from the one I normally go to, which is closer to work. I was searching for the garlic pesto. It was not where it "should" have been.

One guy had to ask me to move. One other just stood there with his cart and glowered until I did.

I found the pesto. And realized I'd been doing the "gawping tourist in Trader Joe's" thing... or at least seemed to. Oops.

I did, however, get all my grocery shopping done, then went to confession during an hour of Adoration at a nearby (not my) church. I still get so nervous before I go. I wonder if it would be different if a) I could come up with some new sins this time and/or b) I'd been raised Catholic and had been doing this since I was a kid.

They prayed the Divine Mercy chaplet at 3. I have never prayed this with a group before and I liked it.

I spent the evening drinking beer (!)* and having pizza with some friends from grade/high school in the backyard of one of their parents' house. This is a neighborhood in which I could never dream of living, either as a child or now (especially). So it was nice but it was also kind of wistful. I'd give my right arm for that kitchen!

There we go. I have a new sin for confession next time -- kitchen envy.

*I don't normally drink beer. I can't remember the last full bottle I've drunk before last night.

Age

2009-06-05T17:19:00.000-07:00

I know I wrote about this at the time of the election; I can't remember what I was reading but it was something online through the USCCB or something, and I realized it was aimed at "young people."

I am not a young person.

But.

Having said that -- I can't quite conceive of myself as middle-aged, either. In some ways I was always "old before my time," wanting people to send me postcards from their vacations when they just wanted to party; reading "big books" other people rolled their eyes at; struggling with depression and anxiety since middle school; dressing older than my age since I had a very large chest very young; thinking of a night of reading as preferable to a night of socializing most of the time; things like that. In my habits and preferences I haven't changed much since I was about 16. So no wonder I feel I'm still about 16! (OK, except I do the old lady thing of thinking much modern youth fashion -- except the eccentric intellectual kids' clothes -- is crap, and I don't like a lot of modern music -- except the eccentric intellectual kind. ;-)

The genesis of this line of thought is that I've been reading about Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati. What a cool guy! No, seriously. Even if you aren't the least bit religious, read a little about him. Anyone who likes laughter, the outdoors, animals, and/or general conviviality would no doubt like him. Just the fact that I'd say "what a cool guy" about a person on the road to (hopeful) canonization should tell you something.

Yet, he's seen as a patron of youth (and the reason why is obvious). All of the Frassati Societies they link to, save one, are made up of kids. The "save one" made me happy. Unfortunately, none of them are even on the West Coast.

Still, though, this is one more instance where I am identifying as younger than I am. I guess in some ways that's good.

Speaking of Being a Religious Nut

2009-06-02T21:14:00.000-07:00

I actually sat down and read Humanae Vitae the other day. It's in the second big thick volume of VII and post-conciliar documents I have.

OK. So now at least I have read it. I am going to read it a few more times, with some time in between.

I am sure many dissenters have read it, but I bet many more have not. I decided I'd better actually read the real document.

I still am not convinced. Obviously I am not a catechist, and if I were, I would simply say, "This is what the Church teaches and why; and by the way, here's a printout of the actual encyclical."

Of course, as a single woman with no potential husband, it's a totally moot point for me (as are a lot of the RCC sticking points). Which is rather a relief really.

So see -- not even a "good Catholic" let alone a religious nut!

One Note

2009-05-31T19:12:00.000-07:00

Lately I've only been reading religion books, except for Beowulf at work. When people ask me what I'm reading, it's sometimes embarrassing to say, "Oh, the catechism, and a book about the Blessed Mother, and The Imitation of Christ, and another one about fulfilling your life's purpose through the wisdom of the saints, and then at night sometimes I crack open the huuuuuuuge Navarre New Testament with the massive commentary and read about one chapter."

It makes me sound a) like a complete religious nut and b) like I have one interest in life and that's it.

I'm so not a religious nut. I know some people think I am by virtue of the very fact that I go to Mass every week, but that is only a very basic obligation. I do all sorts of things that would not be in keeping with religious nuttiness -- or even with being a "good Catholic." Or sometimes even with being a "good person."

I do have other interests... I've been knitting (at the moment, a hat and a shawl; finished a cowl for a friend and am waiting on the proper size needle to come in the mail so I can improvise wristers in the same pattern); I've been cooking a bit again; jamming season is just about upon us. If I had the wherewithal, I'd travel a lot.

But in reading, it's generally religious in nature.

Sometimes it makes me laugh ruefully, as when I came across this in Kempis: "Sometimes God will leave you to your own devices, and sometimes your neighbor will irritate you; and what is worse, you will often be a trouble to your own self." (Italics mine.) So. Very. True. My "neighbors" irritate me every day of my life, except sometimes on weekends when I can choose whom to be around.

I am finding a lot in Imitation of Christ that seems harsh, that basically says, "Have no friends and enjoy nothing in this life." Of course he wasn't writing for your average layperson. In this instance St. Francis de Sales' Introduction to the Devout Life is much gentler and more practical. On the other hand, there are gems throughout Imitation like the one above. It's not Scripture, so I can take what is useful to my state in life and take with a grain of salt the things that do not apply.

Still, though, I am having a little bit of an internal struggle. I figure, I'm not in school and outside of work and financial obligations I can pretty much do as I please. (Work/money is a big exception, I realize, but does not extend to my reading material.) So if I want to be on a religion-book bender, who's to criticize? On the other hand, I find people who have only one interest to be unsettling, and I don't want to be that person.

Sort of like how consistently my biggest gripe is "I'm not a housewife." And my biggest wish is "to be a housewife." And how of all the people I might be jealous of, the ones I'd envy most would be housewives. Ad nauseum....

Let Us Hope

2009-05-31T17:47:00.000-07:00

that this coming week will not be as emotionally draining and trying as the last one.

Workwise, it's all unbloggable except to say that something has to give and I hope it is not my sanity.

And again I say to the houswives of the world, excepting those in dire poverty/abusive relationships/other really bad situations: Thank God on bended knee every day you are "the boss" of your life. It's unlikely your husband will write you up for missing a spot on the dishes; it's more likely you can arrange your schedule to suit your temperament, especially if you don't have non-school-age kids. And that's just the nutshell version of why I'd give my right arm to be a housewife.

Anyway.

In other arenas, so much work needs to be done, and I feel emotionally and energtically unequipped to deal with it.

Three Wishes

2009-05-17T13:58:00.000-07:00

When I was married, my husband and I used to spontaneously ask each other if we had three wishes.

Today these are mine.

1.) I wish I were an extrovert. I wish that the fact that there is a family hanging out at the apartment pool right now on this hot day wouldn't automatically mean I'm not going out there. Or the fact that our building manager routinely makes friends with people in the neighborhood and invites them to use the pool didn't irk me so much. I wish it hadn't taken me 13 years to not utterly dread the passing of the peace in church (I still don't like it and it's one of the plusses of the Latin Mass that they don't do it). I wish my heart didn't sink with dread whenever the phone rings at work -- or that if someone comes into the office to talk to me, that dread didn't become sweaty-palmed anxiety. I wish I could stand two days in a row of social obligations without feeling depressed.

2.) I wish I had a deep, unshakeable faith like some folks I know, and like I did when I was little. I'm definitely in the "Lord, I believe, help Thou my unbelief" category.

3.) I wish I were a natural optimist, not so easily depressed, overwhelmed, flattened by things. I would love to be able to make plans for the future, have confidence, follow through; it would be wonderful if setbacks didn't trigger my natural pessimism and despair.

On an Introversion Scale of 1-10

2009-04-12T22:24:00.001-07:00

I'm around about a 15. Just sayin'.

No Pressure!

2009-04-12T15:14:00.001-07:00

I've been going to the Saturday 5 PM Mass, but that was replaced with the Easter Vigil last night, and last year's Vigil was so filled with people who talked throughout that I avoided it this year. I went to the 11 AM Mass I used to always go to.

And ended up being a reader and an EMHC. Nothing like showing up on Easter Sunday before the twice-a-year packed house and having to read on the fly!

Stiff Upper Lip Redux

2009-03-31T19:02:00.000-07:00

JAY-sus.

The erstwhile friend was so unbelievably rude to me today that the person who witnessed it was utterly gobsmacked.

I just started laughing because there is nothing else to do. I could cry, punch him, or laugh. So I go with Door #3. In addition to the battle of sorrow, fury, and twisted humor, there is also the feeling that this is very, very creepy. Like... what on earth happened to this person to turn him not only into someone who is not my friend any longer, but who has become a rude, graceless stranger? In a way, it's almost scary.

But mostly, sad, infuriating, and bizarrely funny. I could make him miserable by positioning myself into all his conversations... I won't, but the thought of how unhappy that would make him does make me chuckle a bit.

The one thing I really don't like is that this is going to be part of my history for the rest of my life. There will always be that good friend who was abducted by body snatchers and replaced with a jerk, and I will never know how it happened. At this point, I don't even want to know anymore, really.

Stiff Upper Lip

2009-03-30T18:50:00.000-07:00

Something is bothering me, and I have to just keep a stiff upper lip and soldier on. It's tiring. It will go away -- it's just a blip -- but it's annoying.

Also, I'm having another one of those "GOD, all men are the same!" moments. I'm 41. You'd think I would not be surprised by the fact that just about every guy, at least straight white American guy, regardless of age, education, personality etc., still strive to catch the grownup cheerleader. And even if they'll settle for an average woman, they will still be very open about what they really find attractive.

I am painting with a wide brush. Perhaps it's unfair. But honestly -- I've been the best pal confidante (willing or unwilling) of umpteen guys in my life -- I've yet to meet the guy who didn't fall into this category. If you're out there, let me know, because you'd really mitigate my despair.

So Here's the Plan

2009-03-13T19:57:00.000-07:00

OK, I don't really have one.

Except borrowing against my teeny 401(k) in order to pay off a couple of really bloody annoying bills (Dell and my vet credit card). There should be enough left over for some new work clothes, of which I am in dire need.

I'm participating in a knitting swap, and I need to knit fingerless mitts for an actual knitter, so I'm stressing a little. Instead of using stash (as I was kinda supposed to), because I had nothing of suitable gauge and color, I went and bought two different yarns. Will be swatching tomorrow.

Also tomorrow, I'm going drinking with people I went to elementary school with. Some of them I also went to middle and high school with, but some of them I have not seen since I was ten. I'm a little nervous. I'm going to Mass, then coming home, fixing my makeup and hair and possibly changing clothes, and then off.... Eeek. I just emailed one of the guys and said I hate walking into bars alone, so if he sees me, come grab me. He said he would. Whew. My best friend went to my elementary, middle, and high schools, but he is having none of this. And it's probably good or I'd just stick next to him and not talk to anyone. Thank God for alcohol.

A person I formerly had a casual relationship with has been very flirtatious lately. I am trying to enjoy the flirting while keeping my emotional buffer zone intact. It's so nice not to be all upset about a guy...

Mourning the Lost Hour

2009-03-08T11:44:00.001-07:00

I know, daylight fans everywhere are celebrating springing forward. I, a dedicated night person who also cherishes every moment classified as "free time," am mourning my lost hour of the weekend.

Yeah, I guess it's nice for it to be light into the evening. What's not nice is the fact that it really should only be 10:45! Why can't they do this springing forward on a Friday at noon?

I also woke up already having my weekly Sunday night anxiety attack. Argh. It was 10 (or 9) AM! I still had 12 hours before real panic was required. Stupid brain.

Anyway.

The music at Mass last night was horrific. The one-time organ playing is all forgotten. I really don't know how much more of this I can stand; on the other hand, is bad music a legitimate reason to change parishes?

Thankfully, I'm taking Friday off, so it will be a short week. Yes, Mom, I am still wishing my life away, in my 40s...

Today in Lenten Dorkitude

2009-03-06T17:27:00.000-08:00

One Friday in Lent last year I stopped by the pizza place next to my mailbox. They had pepperoni personal pizzas, and this time I forgot it was Friday and I ate it without removing the pepperoni. This year I said several times I wasn't going to forget the day of the week again. (Especially since -- how can you miss Fridays?)

Well, I remembered it was Friday when I was already in the drive-through for my chicken strips. Gah!

I ate the French fries and drank the soda and put the chicken strips in the fridge for tomorrow's lunch.

How can I keep forgetting? I don't even eat much meat!

I am also commmmmmmmmmmpletely out of patience. I am having a hard time at work because the quotient of questions that nonplus me is ratcheting up. I've had to actually hold onto the tiny crucifix and Miraculous Medal I've been wearing to remind myself to be polite -- even then, I think the controlled quiet modulation of my voice doesn't sound particularly cheerful.

Sigh!

Gearing Up

2009-03-01T22:42:00.000-08:00

Another Sunday night!

I did do the heel on the thrummed sock, but I skipped the thrums for that part. I had to improvise the heel a bit because the directions were a) written for a sock knit on a small circ rather than DPNs and b) not very clear/detailed. Post-heel, I began thrumming again, but the pattern got off a bit. I decided it was no biggie. They're bed socks, they're for me, and only some of the thrums are actually showing through. It's not like they're white thrums on a dark background or anything. They're purple thrums on a variegated purple/teal/gold background.

They will be comfy.

I'm letting my hair dry, about to finish a round of the cashmere birthday cowl, and then go to bed. I always have trouble sleeping on Sunday nights, due to sleeping in in the morning and generalized anxiety. I've been waking up with large doses of anxiety lately and that makes going to sleep fraught with some trepidation as well.

But you can't really get around it. I need to get some more milk and start having my hot vanilla milk before bed again.

Tonight, though, just a quick knit and hopefully a peaceful night.

Lent is Coming

2009-02-22T16:31:00.001-08:00

I think I might break out the Lenten Thomas Merton journal I bought a few years ago. I took it to Hawaii on my ill-fated trip and have had a hard time opening it since. But Lent is penitential, no?

And besides, of course, meat on Fridays, I'm giving up bread for Lent. This will be the hardest thing. Not pasta, but breads, rolls, crackers, tortillas. We'll see how that goes. Will I make it to the Triduum with my mind mostly intact?!

I also just made a monthly commitment to Food for the Poor -- not as much as I should, but more than I was. I'm going to keep doing it after Lent, as long as I'm employed (!). I was thinking about how I'm too shy to go out and help the impoverished (or anyone) personally, but setting up EFT shouldn't be that hard. I felt ashamed of myself and my cashmere-yarn first-world ways. So.

Knittin'

2009-02-22T12:29:00.001-08:00

I'm having lighting problems, but:

It's a much brighter and cooler color. This yarn -- cotton and silk -- is absolutely delectable.

My thrummed socks (Fleece Artist). They are going to be bed socks -- will be too warm and thick to put into shoes. I'm at the heel, and I've decided to skip the thrums for that part.

This is also a much clearer, brighter orange. It's cashmere and merino, a birthday gift for a friend. I've never knit with such luxurious yarn, and I am madly in love with the KnitPicks Harmony needles I bought to knit it with -- they're beautifully painted, they are slippery and yet warm, and they have fantabulously sharp tips!

I'm working on the scarf and cowl while listening to podcasts on this rainy Sunday.

Catching More Flies with Honey

2009-02-21T21:13:00.000-08:00

I decided that rather than openly being the crabby anti-modern-music crank that I am secretly, I would try a more positive tack. A couple of weeks ago the Vigil Mass musician used one of the few Haugen/Hass/Schutte songs I like (it's a Haas). He played it beautifully, too. So I sent him a note and said that while I do come to Mass hoping that we won't have the Haugen/Haas/Schutte triumvirate (I described myself as a "big fan of more traditional music") I did like "You Are Mine" and his playing of it reminded me of why I wished I could play the piano.

It was true, and I also figured that maybe if I phrased it that way, he'd throw me a bone at some future Mass.

And he totally did!! Tonight we had organ for both the processional and the recessional and only one modern piece in the middle!!

Unfortunately, he's lost his day job and may move away and quit. Sigh.

And I was too shy to introduce myself after Mass to compliment him on tonight's music. I think I have only ever introduced myself out of the blue to maybe four people in my entire life. I did email Norah to tell her. Actually I was a reader and as we were going in and the organ started, and I was still in the vestibule, I pumped my arm (down low) and said, "YES!" so I think they gathered my reaction.

Is It Just Me?

2009-02-16T16:39:00.000-08:00

I have had several experiences lately -- some with same person, some not; some personal and some professional -- where I write an email, and I get a response that is:

a) not a response to anything I've actually written or asked
b) noddingly refers to what I've written or asked but then morphs into A
c) is a question, the answer of which is in the original email
d) takes offense at something I didn't write or ask in the slightest

I am wondering if I just know a lot of people who are not careful readers, are utterly spacy, or who are passive-aggressive. I can tell you it's extraordinarily frustrating.

Valentine Epiphany

2009-02-14T19:04:00.000-08:00

Actually, I didn't really have the epiphany today. It was sneaking up on me, and it became apparent the other day.

I had a dream where someone had fallen in love with me. He was a bit odd, but I tend to like odd people. And I was pleased, in the dream, but not over the moon, and at some dream point I was alone and thinking, "I don't want to get entangled in all this again. Things are easier without it."

Also, someone I once adored has called me a few times this last ten days or so and I have gotten to the point where I don't want to talk to him. For awhile I was sort of "eh" about it, and now I'm really wishing he wouldn't call. I feel somewhat neutral about him, don't wish him any harm or anything, and I'd never tell him not to call, but I'm perfectly pleased when he doesn't.

It's Valentine's Day, and I am absolutely perfectly happy being home, baking bread, having made a salmon-and-rice dinner off the top of my head, reading and plotting my next knitting project. (Not the Sipalu bag. That's under my bed with herbal spicy moth repellent for now.)

Most of my life I felt there was no point to things if you didn't have someone special with which to share them. And it's not that I'd necessarily mind being married again, or having a relationship, but it would have to be something much more amazing and wonderful than what I've had in the last seven or so years. And I'm not even feeling like looking. Maybe I'm in a selfish phase, but I am much happier in it than I've been in my "life sucks when you're alone" phases.

(I do still wish all my chores and all my bills weren't mine, but c'est la vie!)

Mmm, rice

2009-02-14T14:22:00.000-08:00

So the rice cooker is working; made a large batch of my beloved brown basmati the other day and have one in now. The place smells like popcorn. Love it.

Just finished my big IKEA cup of Trader Joe's mango black tea, and am beginning to see why people do actually get up and go to Mass on Sunday mornings instead of Saturday evenings, because if I weren't going to go tonight, then I could make some jam or some bread, but a 75-minute absence from 5 to 6:15 would make that a little tricky. But maybe I'll have a second wind when I get home. I know if I got to live on my own body clock, I'd be in the kitchen at midnight.

Oh, living on your own body clock!! Those morning people have no idea how lucky they are to live in a morning-people world...

Sexist Vitamin Commercials!

2009-02-13T20:55:00.000-08:00

The One-A-Day for Men's commercial asks, "Should a man over 50 take the same vitamin as a woman?" Then it cuts to a man who says firmly, "I don't think so!"

The same commerical in gender reverse cuts to a woman asking, "There's a choice?"

He has an opinion. She sounds daffy. Bleagh.

And the Debit Card...

2009-02-10T22:19:00.000-08:00

...I am not sure why it got refused by the Australian Red Cross, but apparently the fact that I tried to donate to them made the fraud unit put a hold on my card.

WTF???

Also, they said they tried to call me at the number I haven't had for almost three years, and they did not call my cell phone number, which my online profile says IS the number they will call to contact me regarding my account. And which you think they'd have used if they couldn't get me on the other number.

The bank got a tensely polite email summary of all this this evening (including a "what about donating to an international charity in a country undergoing a tragedy set off a fraud alert?!"), after I'd gotten off the phone with the human being I finally contacted by first selecting the "lost or stolen card" option, since that was the only one that got me a CSR. That CSR connected me to the fraud unit. I agree, I hate talking on the phone and would rather conduct any and all business whatsoever via email, but in this case I had to talk to someone. Could they have made it any harder?

OK, rant over!

Operator Error (Sort of)

2009-02-10T22:09:00.000-08:00

So I couldn't get the shiny new rice cooker to work tonight. Nothing I pushed did anything.

Later, I futzed again with the cord, which is detachable. I don't like detachable cords and here's a new reason why -- it's hard to keep this one plugged into the back of the cooker. Once I'd gotten it just right, I could work the controls. Everything else about it seems as wonderful as it was advertised, but I'm thinking I may need to figure out some way to secure the cord. I wouldn't want it to fall out of the back of the machine mid-cooking.

I have gotten to the heel of the first thrummed sock.

I don't know if I'm up to trying to figure out how to "keep the thrum pattern" when the whole setup is different. I always have trouble with gussets as it is... So I'm mulling: Sit down and write out how to keep the thrum pattern? Skip the thrum pattern on the heel? Make them into tube socks?

Yeah, I know. Sit down and write it out already!

Tomorrow!

Is Cold

2009-02-09T21:30:00.000-08:00

... by our standards, anyway. My stupid nose never warms up!

My fancypants rice cooker is here! It is sitting cutely on the countertop, knowing what time it is without me telling it. I had to go to a parish council meeting and I'm huddled in my room for warmth (and will soon go to bed), so I will have to play with it tomorrow.

I tried to give money to the Australian Red Cross but it wouldn't take my debit card, and then neither would Starbucks. I came home and called the bank, but there was no option to talk to a person. I sent a stressed email... I know from personal experience that the recipient of messages that suggest that said recipient is stupid, or that the recipient had better straighten up, fly right, and immediately cater to the writer regardless of the justness of their demands, simply irritate the bejeesus out of people. So I tried not to be demanding and arrogant and nasty -- but insistent that I needed some kind of communication ASAP. We shall see.

Granted, I hate talking to people on the phone and vastly prefer email, but in this case I really would like to resolve things immediately.

The one thing I can resolve is my freezing nose. Bath time.

Really Sick of These Dreams

2009-02-08T20:34:00.000-08:00

You know the list I made recently of my recurring dreams? I had a cool-apartment one the other night/morning. It was, as it has been before, an eccentric version of my previous Victorian apartment. I'm really tired of these dreams. They always have some anxiety about them, as if I know on some level it's just a dream and I am going to wake up in the 1969 box I live in now, and that in fact the likelihood of my ever living someplace truly cool is almost nil.

Yes, I know I am lucky to have as much space and amenities as I do. Much of the world would give their right arm for the chance. This doesn't help the bad feeling I have about these dreams.

Anyway. I sat and knit on my thrummed socks, watched some TLC (which really has very little to do with learning anymore and mostly focuses on babies, it seems) and had some Trader Joe's blueberry green tea in my new IKEA cup. I need strong tea, so for a cup this size, next time it's two teabags. It rained down pretty hard and is now just sprinkling. Bummer. I don't like to drive in the rain, but I love being inside while it crashes down. Actually I don't mind being outside in it either, just not driving. But it would make a Sunday night, my bete noir, much more pleasant.

My fancy-schmancy rice cooker comes tomorrow, but I also have to go to a meeting, which means I will pick up said fancy-schmancy rice cooker, come home, and pretty much have to leave again. Who ever thought Monday nights would be the best time for any kind of meeting? Thursday night, that would be better... only one more day to get through! Anyway, I'm definitely stopping at Starbucks and getting a massive vanilla latte to keep myself going. One must have small delights.

Cozy Evening Coming Up

2009-02-08T16:59:00.000-08:00

I went to IKEA with my sister this afternoon. Stocked up on napkins -- IKEA has the best paper napkins in all the world. :-) I buy the large white ones (sometimes large colored ones if I like the other colors on offer), and then bunches of smaller patterned ones. The large ones are excellent everyday napkins -- huge and heavy. I feel a bit dorky when I unload my napkin finds at the checkout, but oh well.

I also bought a big teacup with a saucer that can fit onto the lid to keep it warm. I've been drinking a pot of tea every night and I'd like a big cup to go with.

It looks like it's about to rain. I need to change the sheets, do the dishes, make some dinner, and hunker down in preparation for another tiring workweek. I am going to ask for Friday off to take my car in to get new tires. That would make for a four-day weekend, so I'd be pleased.

And, I've now set it so that when I get new mail, I get Rachel Maddow yelling, "PORN!" See story here (bottom of page, under Ringtones).

Knitting Pictures

2009-02-06T22:32:00.000-08:00

The beginning of the Fleece Artist thrummed socks.

The finished Flirty Scarf I gave a friend for Christmas. It looks a lot like the next scarf in this picture, but it's in very bulky yarn (Araucania Limari, merino/alpaca/silk), is reversible and not cabled.

Irish Hiking Scarf, the "scarf of obligation" because I offered to knit it for someone and she bought the yarn. Cabling is definitely a "bang for your buck" technique because it looks harder than it is.

I missed one cable turn, so I made it a design feature -- it's the center back of the scarf.

Pajama Party of One

2009-02-06T20:31:00.001-08:00

Back when I was married, one of the things my husband and I did that I really enjoyed was that some nights we'd come home, take our showers right away (we were night showerers -- I still am -- because I want to go to bed clean and with shaven legs, and I'd rather sleep than do anything in the morning), get into our sweats/jammies, and go to bed early. But not really bed, more like a slumber party. We'd sit on the bed, watch TV, have dinner there.

I'm kinda doing that tonight. I had a quick dinner, watched Rachel Maddow, and just got out of the shower (it's 8:30ish). I'm sitting on my bed and about to start a new knitting project -- finally going to tackle the thrummed sock kit my sister got me 18 months ago. Tomorrow I'm going to start the uber-intimidating Sipalu bag, now that I have found a provisional cast-on I think I can do, and I've finished the Scarf of Obligation (pictures once it's dried). I'm too tired to start it tonight!

My apartment is a bit of a mess, and I'm vacillating between minding it and wondering if I mind it just because I should mind it, and whether I should just relax and not worry and enjoy one of the perks of living alone! Eh, I'll think about it tomorrow...

Long Week....end??

2009-02-01T17:15:00.000-08:00

It's funny that I'm almost glad the weekend is over!

Yesterday at Mass I was a lector; I thought I had the second reading, but I had the first, and had to sight-read. Then I went to dinner at the home of two of my very conservative anti-abortion friends. We are friends, but not uber-close, and they don't realize I am neither of those things, especially not ever the former. There was some uncomfortable political discussion, during which I was quiet. I feel a little cowardly, inasmuch as they're very comfortable being open about their deep conservatism even in a liberal area, whereas I won't even say, "Actually, I'm a Democrat." But I am much more laissez-faire toward others' political bents than I think they are, and it's easier not to make a tense situation for me a tense situation for everybody.

Today I had pizza with a friend I haven't seen in quite awhile. He doesn't drive and I find that stressful sometimes -- I feel obligated to offer a ride, and yet I must admit to a subtle resentment at that. We live in an area where almost everyone drives and public transportation ain't great. I think I was soured by a woman I worked with who didn't drive, regularly bummed rides back to our neighborhood, and then once proudly proclaimed, "I've never needed to drive!" My thought was, "Then you don't need a ride from me, right?" Which of course I didn't say.

I don't mind if someone is physically unable to drive or absolutely unable to afford a car (neither was the case of my coworker). The latter is the case of the friend today, so that was OK, but I still feel awkward about it, a little. (Sometimes it's bad when I've reached my socialbility limit but still have to drive someone home. Not the case here.) Overall, though, lunch was nice and who doesn't like pizza? (If you don't, I don't want to know.)

I made some sugared lemons when I got home, to slip into tea. You take lemons and pour boiling water over, then slice very thin. Layer each slice with sugar in a jam jar and stick in the fridge. In short order you will have sugary lemons and lemon-flavored simple syrup in the jar. I will try some tomorrow.

The Scarf of Obligation: 2/3 done!

I Can Haz Friday Nao, Plz?

2009-01-28T21:14:00.000-08:00

No?

OK... stupid reality.

Oh, hey SG: Yes, I realize that I usually make a great show of never picking up a book, but in secret, I really am a bookworm. I know you'd never know. ;-)

I am currently steeping some apricot ginger black tea -- had the first cup of it last night with the German rock sugar, and it was quite tasty. I liked the tinkling sound of the large sugar crystals as I stirred them, too. Gotta find your happiness in small things sometimes.

I am having some interpersonal workplace unpleasantness, on top of the general workplace stress that's endemic in the US these days (and probably elsewhere as well). I actually do believe it's me -- well, I believe others are acting badly, but the reason that I'm the target of the misbehavior is that I really don't fit in there. Where would I fit in? God only knows. At this juncture I'm just glad to have a paycheck, but someday I'd like to do meaningful work (which I do now) in a congenial, friendly, laid-back atmosphere. My ex-husband has a job like that. So I know they exist... or they did.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd fit in better elsewhere in the country. It would have to be someplace liberal. A liberal place with a slower, friendlier way of life. Where?

Well, not going anywhere anytime soon, barring some kind of massive windfall or something. There are groups at work who play the lottery every week. What's two bucks for a dream? I should find someone(s) to do it with or just do it on my own (no splitting if winning!). Other than that extraordinary longshot, I'm not sure what could catapult me out of my current life situation, at least not in a good way. I still need that life coach!

No Surprise Here

2009-01-22T16:22:00.000-08:00

What Kind of Reader Are You? Your Result: Obsessive-Compulsive Bookworm You're probably in the final stages of a Ph.D. or otherwise finding a way to make your living out of reading. You are one of the literati. Other people's grammatical mistakes make you insane.
Dedicated Reader
Book Snob
Literate Good Citizen
Non-Reader
Fad Reader
What Kind of Reader Are You? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

For some reason, the bars aren't showing up, but I'm most of the way across on the first two, halfway across the third, and have nothing on the final two.

I WISH I were in grad school and yes, other people's grammatical mistakes drive me insane. It's actually one of my major failings -- was just having a conversation recently about how nonstandard English from native speakers makes me cry.

Wonderful, Wonderful Day

2009-01-20T22:19:00.000-08:00

Oh, thank God that went so well (other than the Chief Justice oath oops), that GWB is gone gone gone, and I no longer have to cringe every time the POTUS speaks.

OK, actually, make that cringe-and-turn-off-the-TV-or-radio.

Whew.

Now if only the economy would pick up. Please God.

It's funny I'm not worrying about losing my job. It could very well happen, as it has happened to many of my coworkers, friends, family. But I kinda figure that so many people are in this boat now, that no one is going to look funny at you, no one can blame you, and there is a network of support. I won't starve, although it could be a little unpleasant.

A little wine for me and some nip for the cats, and we'll survive, though.

I am still plugging away at the scarf I'm knitting for someone, and wishing it were over so I could work on my own stuff. I'm not going to offer to knit for anyone again. I will actually knit for others again -- but I don't intend to offer in advance again. It makes the knitting yet another job to complete when I've already done my time during the day.

Speaking of "doing time," I'm trying not to mope around during my time off counting the hours of freedom left and muttering to the cats how I wish I could just stay at home with them. Housewifery is never going to happen for me, short of a miracle (especially as I've realized I'm happier being single and don't even really feel like putting up with the crap dating entails), and unless I either finally write some blockbuster novel or win the lottery, I will have a day job until I am old. Especially the way things are going. So coloring my free time with sorrow at its brevity is not really helpful!

Also, muttering to the cats is too "crazy cat lady in training."

ETA: I have mastered the Continental purling. It's nowhere near as fast as my English purling, but I can now knit and purl both ways.

And I did get some extra tea today to take to work. I'm trying to insert a little pleasure into everyday life.

Winter Cleaning

2009-01-17T17:10:00.000-08:00

Or clean-out, really.

I am down to three storage boxes at my aunt's, which is good. I also found the book from my grandmother's funeral (she died when I was 18 months old). I found out she was also a Gemini (I don't think I knew her birthday before) as well as the church where the funeral Mass was held and at what cemetery she's buried. Since all her family is gone but me I had no one to ask. There was also a list of all her seven siblings. I knew a couple of their names (the girls), but not really the boys. It listed her parents only as "born in Canada" so I'm glad I knew they were from Sydney, Nova Scotia. I was told she herself was born in San Francisco but it only noted she was born in California. But I'm glad to have all the names and to have the Canadian stuff corroborated by independent evidence.

So that's cool.

I'm looking forward to getting my teapot Monday and coming home to christen it. I've ordered some new loose teas, although I could also go over to L'Amyx and get some. I have some of their black ginger tea and I like it, along with Peets' Winter Solstice. I like black teas with flavoring, usually something spicy, though I want to try maple tea. I was going to order some today and decided I'd wait and not be quite so splurgy. I've bought enough stuff lately!

I love peppermint but hate herb teas/tisanes. I'm wondering if you could just blend some peppermint herb tea into a standard black one. Hmmm.

One More Day

2009-01-15T22:40:00.000-08:00

and then I can sleep in.

I have to go do some storage-clearing-out on Saturday, so I can't loaf all day, but there will be no 6:45 "It's the End of the World As We Know It" coming from my cell phone for two lovely days.

Been very stressed at work. I did order a little Beehouse teapot (amethyst) to have there so I can brew a pot of tea in the afternoons as something to look forward to. And have something pretty to look at, as well.

Ah, but for now, a hot water bottle, a couple of cats and my pillow-laden bed await me. I'll try it all again tomorrow!

Dreams

2009-01-11T20:05:00.000-08:00

I've noticed I repeatedly dream about the same things. I know they say you're not really dreaming about what you're dreaming about, but: I dream about houses (or big, architecturally interesting apartments), travel, cars whose brakes work but not well, and dorms.

Houses: I've only ever lived in two. One was when I was very young and the other was very small. I have always longed for a Victorian a la those my schoolmates lived in. Or something equally sized. My dreams usually have houses with interesting floor plans, and with those kind of back hallways and extra sets of stairs my childhood friends' houses had, exaggerated to dream level.

Apartments: Have lived in two interesting ones -- one was the top floor of a Victorian. I have lived for 11 years in a boring 1969 box, though. So interesting apartment dreams piggyback on my house dreams.

Travel: Love it, have not done nearly enough. Most of my travel dreams involve travel delayed or denied -- like being at the airport but unable to board a flight.

Cars with Bad Brakes: Dunno, except it annoys me when people brake so close that I can't see the tires of the car in front of us.

Dorms: I went to three colleges. At two of them, almost everyone lived on campus and I lived at home. At the third, almost no one lived on campus and I did. At the college I got my degree from, most of the dorms were old, gorgeous, gracious buildings I'd've given my right AND left arms to live in, in addition to the fact that everything there revolved around your residence hall. I'm still mourning that, apparently, because at least once or twice a month I have dreams about living in a dorm.

I wish I could move on, because I'm kinda tired of these dreams.

Bit By Beehouse Bug

2009-01-11T17:28:00.000-08:00

I want one of these.

I can't do anything til payday, and I can't decide between tangerine or amethyst. Although I'd like just about every color they have. I want to alternate drinking tea and coffee, and so I might want one at work. I do have teapots here at home, but two are too big for work (one was my mom's and is china, and one is ceramic from Lechter's ten years ago) and two are two expensive/sentimental for work (my two cast-iron Japanese pots, both of which were 40th birthday presents).

But do want!

That Sound You Hear

2009-01-10T21:39:00.000-08:00

Is my head exploding from the Continental purling.

I was twisting the stitches. After several hours and practically making a cat's-cradle of my yarn, I have discovered that I have to

a) wrap the yarn not only over my pinky but also over my middle finger, so that it stays taut over my left index finger

b) dip my index finger way down past the left needle in order to scoop the yarn with the right needle

c) use my left thumb to help this new stitch along.

It is ever so slow. I can see where perhaps with much practice, it might be faster than my English purling, but... right now it's going to take me easily six days to make a two-day cowl. And I can't imagine knitting or purling Continental on dpns, which I prefer to circulars for many things.

Oh well. Knowing how to do both will come in handy, and I do like to shift the burdens from one hand to another, which is why I mouse and 10-key left-handed at work.

It's also interesting because I'm generally a loose knitter (shut up), but these stitches are very tight. I imagine they will loosen up when I'm not so intent on getting it right!

Sloooowly

2009-01-10T15:14:00.001-08:00

I cast on enough stitches to make, approximately, a plain cowl for myself. I just want something I can pull up over my nose when it's cold in the apartment. And this is my Continental purling lesson -- going to purl the whole thing and then turn it inside out so it curls properly.

I think I have the hang of it from the KnittingHelp site. I don't think I'm twisting them. But it's sooooo verrrrrrrrry slooooooooow. I know I'll get the hang of it, and it's kinda fun, but this cowl is going to take a few extra days, methinks!

Keeps me out of trouble, though.

This I Knew (Sorry the big INFP Isn't Showing Up)

2009-01-10T10:20:00.001-08:00

Your Personality is Very Rare (INFP)

Your personality type is dreamy, romantic, elegant, and expressive.

Only about 5% of all people have your personality, including 6% of all women and 4% of all men

You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

That Was a Week...

2009-01-09T17:30:00.000-08:00

... in which my only other close coworker nearly got laid off (but didn't). In which I spent my entire Friday, skipping my lunch and one of my breaks, to work on a last-minute project that is now about 3/4 done but should have been done by COB. In which I knit little, ate much, and definitely decided that a glass of sherry in the evenings is just the ticket.

And my electricity bill was only $80! I'd budgeted $200. This means (taa daa!) that I can buy a new bra. Actually I need a few, but I'm trying one out. When you have a cup size near the middle of the alphabet, you don't go to Macy's (in Hilo or elsewhere) or any other department or lingerie store and check out a selection of frothy dainties in a range of prices.

No.

You get online and select from a small collection of boringly colored industrial strength cantilevers.

So you have to wait for the contraption to appear before you know if you want to buy more. They're always stiff and scratchy at first, too. Bleagh. This one has a support back, which is good. I find that even with straps sewn shorter, my bras never hold me up for long. I keep thinking I need them weighted in back or something! Maybe the presence of extra bra in the back will help.

(BTW this also means you don't ever go out of town without a backup bra, because unless you're going to NYC, you are never going to find a replacement at your destination.)

I would give a lot to be flat-chested. Even if I were thin, I would not be flat-chested. I wore a bra when I was eight. Sigh.

Anyway. Help may be on the way. We'll see.

Meanwhile, turning the heater on (because I can!) and knitting now.

Oh -- I first noticed this in my freshman year of college. In January there is always a day when I feel spring in the air, even if it's still cool or even cold. Today was the day. That's a good thing.

Oddly

2009-01-08T17:43:00.001-08:00

Macy's is apparently closing their store on the Big Island of Hawaii. And, though I have only been to Hawaii once, to camp -- I have been in that Macy's. As this trip was disastrous, I remember sort of miserably trudging through it. I was also hoping they had a Macy Woman so I could get a new shirt -- had not done laundry. If they did I didn't see it.

Anyway it seemed a funny thing to me, on the way home from a loooong day.

Knitting Panic

2009-01-06T17:17:00.001-08:00

Really.

I ordered this stranded bag kit. I was thinking, "Quick little colorwork in the round."

Uh, no.

Well, sort of. But no.

I got the box yesterday. Lovely big box full of colorful yarn. I looked at the pattern. Then I sat and looked at the box with a sinking feeling. There are side panels, and they're knit flat. That means a) purling Continental for the second color and b) reading a colorwork chart not in the round. Then there's a knitted welt. Then there's a really confusing description of the rest of the bag.

A bit of emotional asthma there for a bit.

I found some in-progress pics on Ravelry and some of it makes more sense now -- the front and back are not knitted flat, but the piece isn't knitted in the round like a tube, finishing the whole circumference at once. The front and back are knitted like circular shawls, only knitting inward instead of outward. I'm still not sure how you get from the side panel to the front to the next side panel to the back. I've offered anyone within a 200-mile radius dinner if I can come by for a tutorial.

However, one thing is certain -- must learn to purl Continental. So, in preparation for this, I am going to make myself a cowl in stockinette, but inside out -- i.e., purling the whole thing and then turning it inside out when I'm done. I can knit Continental, though I only do it for colorwork. Since all my colorwork has been in the round heretofore, I've never had to purl that way. It will be a good learning experience.

As long as I can figure out the rest of the pattern....

Breaking in the Jam Pan

2009-01-05T18:45:00.000-08:00

New canner on standalone burner.

Pristine pan ready to go!

Frozen berries in hot copper.

Jam!

I did forget to take a picture of the finished jam. Imagine the purple goodness in a jar. :-) I mixed blueberries and blackberries and was quite pleased with the result. Mmm.

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T15:38:00.000-08:00

2008 wasn't the worst year of my life (that would have been 2002), but it certainly won no prizes except for the election!

OK, that's a biggie.

It's still bloody cold here by our standards and I've been taking numerous hot baths because I don't pay for water but I do pay for electricity. I know in eight months or so I will be whining about the heat. I was thinking today that although I've always hankered after living in the Northeast, I don't know if I could handle the wild swings in weather, from snow in the winter to blazing heat and humidity in the summer. I like our more subtle seasons (which we do have; they just don't bludgeon you.)

Having said that, I'd like a white Christmas one year. Preferably in, say, Europe. ;-)

I have numerous emails I need and want to return but need to get my thoughts together, an apartment I should clean up, hated dishes to do, and a scarf I need to knit. This is the last knit-for-someone-else project on my list, and after that I should be able to have some fun. The scarf in question is an Irish Hiking Scarf, and I'm using Fiesta Boomerang in Moulin Rouge. I'm having to go down from a size 8 needle (recommended on the pattern, the yarn, and by the one Ravelry user I found who used this yarn for this scarf) to a 4 in order to get a non-lacy fabric. I'm a loose knitter but this is crazy. I posted something on Ravelry about it but haven't gotten a reply.

I'll get back to that tonight. I think I'll queue up the last DVD in the first season of Scrubs and knit away. Although I had a dream last night that included the entire cast, so that might not be so good. I slept very late, and the later I sleep the weirder my dreams are.

Meanwhile, going out for coffee with a friend, and then coming back here and making myself straighten up. My kingdom for a dishwasher....

My Neighbors

2008-12-27T14:34:00.001-08:00

are really lucky I'm introverted and afraid of the law, because otherwise they'd be pretty unhappy with my reaction after they started REMOVING A GARAGE ROOF AT 8:30 THIS MORNING. Under my bedroom windows. It's 2:30 and they haven't stopped. I've escaped twice with a book -- went to the PO and then got some lunch and ate it in the car by the Bay, then went to Starbucks and read again. They had better finish soon or my head may self-remove. I'll make sure I go outside first and stand in their driveway so it's their mess, though.

Actually I guess they're not necessarily so lucky since I sent an email noise complaint to the city.

I'm the kind of person who cringes when my TV is too loud and if I'm watching it with others they always pooh-pooh my turning it down. But I hate other people's noise and feel I ought not to inflict it on others. I realize if you're replacing a roof you need to make noise, but a) how about LATER IN THE DAMNED MORNING and/or b) on a weekday when most of your neighbors will be at work?

I know I'm very sensitive to noise. Like when I went to the Cathedral and the docent and the monk both bugged me by not being silent. (I imagine you can't give a tour to hearing folks by using sign language. Alas.) I wish one could close one's ears like one can close one's eyes.

Finished a baby hat last night for a coworker's granddaughter. Starting on a gift hat today. Then a commissioned scarf, and then I'm doing only selfish knitting for awhile.

Unless I'm in prison. Neighbors.

Christmas Stack

2008-12-25T16:12:00.001-08:00

A super-sharp peeler, two seasons of Scrubs, an amaryllis, a stack o'books (and two more are coming), extra standalone burner and copper jam pan, and the two bags my friend made me.

Just had tea and muffins with another friend, and am about to settle down with one of the DVDs and the baby hat I need to finish ASAP. And three more days off after this.

A lovely respite!

Wow

2008-12-24T23:57:00.000-08:00

So, among other wonderful Christmas gifts, my nephews got me this. I can't wait to make a batch of jam in it.

Many fun books to peruse, a couple of seasons of Scrubs, an extra standalone burner also for jam-making, some new kitchen cupboard pulls to replace the ones I dislike, a handmade yoga mat bag (and a small bag, made by the same person, that's going to become my lunch tote), and other cool things. More details and pix tomorrow -- which is going to be a day of snoozing, reading, TV, brunch-making, kitty-cuddling, knitting, and general decadence. And better light for pictures, I hope, although it's raining.

My knitted items went over well.

Middle sister's cowl.

Oldest sister's scarf.

The scarf's stitch pattern.

I loved making this especially because each row was the same, so I could watch TV and not look at any pattern. The cowl was fairly simple, too, although the increase round was hard on my hands -- knitting into the stitch below was physically difficult for me. Thankfully it only happens three times in this pattern. I made another one in red for a friend of mine, so I managed to soldier through the round six whole times. LOL.

And now to bed with some of my books!

Cry of Desperation

2008-12-15T21:31:00.000-08:00

It's cold (by our standards). I am a hot-blooded person who is rarely cold, and I. am. cold. Wrapping a big wool French-sized scarf/shawl around my nose, so cold. Wishing I had gloves, which I don't. Running the heater, which I hate doing. Off for a hot hot bath in a minute.

Just came back from a depressing parish council meeting. I can't even explain why it's depressing, except that I simply am not coming from the same place as most of the other members.

And something went down at work today that has me in a huge tizzy of anxiety. My workplace is the antithesis of a laid-back, easygoing, "let's just get the problem fixed and move on" kind of place. You know how a kid in a dysfunctional family might skulk around, anticipating getting smacked? That's how I feel.

I know. No one will physically harm me; they're not going to kill me. But in this economy everyone who has a job walks on eggshells.

And this economy has me rattled like it does everyone else. I've been making up bags of stuff for the Goodwill, so that if I have to put everything into storage and camp in someone's basement, I have less I need to store. My only living requirements are: my cats, some knitting, some books, and Internet access. Don't need all my books or all my yarn to be with me, or even unlimited Internet like I have now (though that'd be hard). And really, my cats are the two things from which I cannot be separated. However, let's pray it doesn't come to that.

(ETA: OK, I'd like access to a tub and not just a shower, and I have a hard time sleeping on the floor, but since I have the air mattress I've taken camping (self-inflating!) and the sleeping bag I took as well, that could work. I could bring all my pillows and build a little fort around myself.)

In any event, I'm sitting here in quiet shivery desperation at the moment. I need a miracle.

Does Anyone Else Hate Sunday Nights?

2008-12-14T21:52:00.000-08:00

I hated them when I was a kid -- I'd get depressed and anxious as night fell, thinking about school (I love learning but until college was not a fan of the school experience in general).

I hate them as an adult -- I get depressed and anxious as... well, you get the idea.

The only time Sunday nights have not caused sharp unhappiness are when I have nowhere to be Monday morning. Which is why, although my birthday this coming year is on a Saturday, I will be taking the following Monday off. I don't work on my birthday if it's during the week and I don't want the day after my birthday to be one of depression.

It's ten. This is one of those times when I feel like a little kid whining, "I don't wanna go to bed!" I actually was asleep on Friday night by 10.30, because I knew I wasn't shortening my few remaining free hours -- I could sleep in the next day, had nothing I had to do but go to Mass at 5. But on a work night? I want to stay up as late as possible to milk every last second of freedom. Yet, as a certified Non Morning Person, staying up til midnight makes the morning even more awful.

Bah. Sunday nights.

Baking Rundown

2008-12-14T21:12:00.000-08:00

All Nigella recipes, from How to be a Domestic Goddess.

Coffee & Walnut Splodge Cookies: Going to add chocolate chips next time, and cut out the salt because I always use salted butter. (I find that things are a wee bit too bland with unsalted, especially bread. And it's too much of a hassle to keep two kind on hand.)

Gingerbread: Too sweet, not gingery enough, and the lemon icing needs a much higher sugar-to-lemon-juice ratio, or it's a glaze and not icing. However, the sticky English texture is very good, and you can tell the cake base is tasty. It called for two teaspoons of fresh grated ginger; I like my ginger things very gingery so I may make that two tablespoons instead. The icing, while not thick enough, can easily be made so by tweaking the proportions, and the lemon is a lovely offset to the ginger. I will make this again, too, with adjustments.

Christmas Morning Muffins: They're cranberry/orange muffins with a cinnamon sugar topping, and they are fan-freakin'-tastic. Also, easy. I probably will make these for me on Christmas morning as suggested. (Well, more likely Christmas afternoon, since I will have been up very late the night before and we don't do anything on Christmas Day.) This required no tweaking whatsoever.

So I had a friend over for tea today and she was a guinea pig. She too likes gingery things very spicy, and she agreed on all counts on the gingerbread. It's not horrible, but it's sooooooooo sweet than even I, who can handle a sweet, think it's too much. Thankfully that's easily fixed since the hardest thing about this recipe was just grating some ginger. No biggie.

I remember reading in one of Laurie Colwin's books about her search for the perfect gingerbread. She was a fan of the damp English kind, too, apparently. I should dig that book out.

Full Moon

2008-12-12T20:04:00.000-08:00

But thankfully it wasn't too insane at work today -- at least the people I dealt with weren't. I did so much today, though, I'm even surprised and pleased it's all finished. Whew.

After my nightly love-fest with Rachel Maddow, I mixed up some of Nigella Lawson's Coffee and Walnut Splodge Cookies (she has such homey-evocative names). The dough is good; the first batch is baking. I am having a friend over for tea Sunday and I have to feed the parish council Monday night, so this will be a baking weekend. I'm going to make spice cookies, oatmeal cookies, and probably some kind of quick bread.

Also, I'm knitting something for my shop steward, to cheer her up and thank her for a job I could never, ever do. Since joining Ravelry, I've knitted up a storm. I know I spend time there when I could be knitting or cooking or spinning or whatever, but I've still gotten much more done in the last couple of months than in the preceding year!

Cookies calling.

ETA: The cookies are not sweet. I made them as the recipe directs, but they need at least another half cup of sugar or maybe some chocolate chips. I'll eat them myself but I wouldn't share them as is, unfortunately. (At least I thought I made them as the recipe directs. I may have another look to see if I left out something sweet!)

My Idea of a Lovely Afternoon

2008-12-07T20:24:00.000-08:00

As I finished Christmas Item #2 (all done!) I watched a five-part back-to-back series on the Wehrmacht on the History Channel.

Almost everyone in my family would be rolling their eyes at me!

I'm not sure why I'm fascinated with the European theatre of WWII. Although I had an uncle who was a Ranger in Europe, I didn't know him very well and he died when I was in high school. My father was in the Pacific theatre, which has never interested me very much, although I was disappointed when in Hawaii in 2007 that I didn't have time to visit the Arizona memorial.

The only places I have been that were directly affected by WWII are England, specifically London, and Paris. My then-husband and I stood under the Arc de Triomphe and got goosebumps thinking of how awful it must have been to see the Germans enter and walk down the Champs Elysees. (And two of those who did might have been his great-grandfathers, but that's another story!) I would very much like to do a WWII tour of the Continent. Morbid? I suppose... but it's just something I'd find fascniating.

Part of it is probably my love of history. When I visited Holyrood, I was the first one into Mary, Queen of Scots' bedroom and the last one out. I stood there staring at the panelled ceiling, thinking about how she had stood there and seen the same thing. I think I gawped all the way up and down the Royal Mile.

I'm just weird that way.

(Incidentally -- on the Royal Mile I had the best ice cream [peach] I've ever had. This was 1990 and I still remember it.)

Of course, in Scotland I also felt more at home than anywhere else in the world. I fit right in -- I've never been surrounded by so many redheads in my life. It was great. I don't know where in Scotland my maternal grandmother's family comes from (although the greater clan we belong to is the MacDonalds), but I'd like to find out sometime. Unfortunately, I'd probably go there and be another annoying Scottish-American come to romanticize her roots!

Anyway. Knitting and Nazi documentaries. I had a great day.

Yarn Insanity!

2008-12-05T16:10:00.000-08:00

So I got off work, did grocery shopping, then came home and took a look at some coupons I had. I've decided to get smaller amounts of luscious yarn, to make small things. I have come to learn I am not at the moment going to be knitting lace, and I will likely never knit a sweater. There is an Anne Hanson throw I want to make, but that's next year. So.

I decided to drive out to Albany and go to K2tog, for which I had a 20% off coupon. I ended up parking at the Berkeley end of Solano and walking about a mile downhill. And then of course a mile uphill back. I got 4 skeins of Panda Silk DK in Berry Smoothie, 2 skeins of Frog Tree Alpaca Chunky in a blue multi-tone, and 2 skeins Misti Cotton (83% cotton, 17% silk) in a soft green (#7 on that page).

Then I went to Article Pract because I was looking for chunkier pink-toned yarn, and I found some stuff in the sale bin: 3 skeins of Manos silk blend in Magenta, 3 skeins of Araucania Limari in Purples, another 320-yard skein of Fiesta Boomerang (I have one skein for a commissioned scarf) in Moulin Rouge, and then 2 skeins of something not-pink, but which I have been hankering after (no pun intended) forever. The skeins are normally $51 at Article Pract, but these were on sale for $23: Curious Creek Oban in Glacier Lakes. (They probably had six or so skeins at this price, but even I'm not that crazy.) Funnily -- I have the same colorway in unspun form as well. I saw a brick of it as Stitches in 2006 and would have given my right arm for it. Lurve this colorway. (I have spun a bit of it, but I still have quite a bit left. I know...)

I'll take a picture of the haul at some point this weekend. The colors are glorious!

I also bought a little Christmas tree/bush thing at Trader Joe's. It has big cute marbley lights on it too, and hopefully it will live on my deck after the holidays and maybe I can use it again next year. I last had a tree of any sort in 1997. It's just sitting on my stepstool, but the packages I arranged around it hide the grey plastic. Once it's properly dark I'll take a picture of that as well.

And now I'm home, making coffee and planning to knit while watching my usual Scrubs re-runs followed by Rachel Maddow. I love her -- she's even from a couple of cities over. I love watching someone pontificate who shares most of my views, and who lights up like a real Christmas tree when she smiles or laughs. And I am always in awe of Rhodes Scholars. So, that's my evening, in a nutshell. It's good.

ETA: Here's the loot. It's a pretty good picture, I think, though I may try again in daylight.

On the one hand... on the other hand...

2008-12-04T23:09:00.001-08:00

Good hand:

The last few days I have felt needed and even respected at work.

Bad hand:

The former friend who got the apology for whatever mysterious thing I did? Well, we had an interaction today. That is, I needed this person to do something for me and they did, but in total silence, even when I thanked them. I retreated and burst into tears. And I still have no fucking idea what I did, except that it must have been so heinous that my apology could not be accepted and civility is impossible. You'd think I'd remember having done something like that.

Good hand:

The car is washed and I have new pillows!

Bad hand:

No closer to figuring out how to orchestrate new life direction.

Good hand:

I finished a bobbin of pretty fine (as in thin) spinning; am leaving early tomorrow and hitting the yarn shop to procure yarn to do another version of the Thing I just finished, in a different color; tomorrow's payday. The leaving early bit means I can do grocery and yarn shopping and still be home way earlier, to have a relaxing yarn-filled evening.

Bad Hand:

I've had a stitch in my side for a few days now, and it keeps me awake. :-P

On the whole I'm more cheerful than I've been. And a half-day payday Friday is nothing to sneeze at!

Terrifying Leap

2008-12-01T22:21:00.001-08:00

I need to make an insanely drastic change in my life (well, insanely drastic to me, anyway), and I'm terrified of failure... especially because in this endeavor, failure is not an option.

I was raised that "people just don't do that," where that is anything the least bit unconventional, risky, or unusual. I was raised to believe, for instance, that any job is a good job simply by virtue of being a job. (In this economy, there is something to be said for that, but not in the overall sense.) You also don't call boys, talk loudly, sit with your knees apart, drive if your man is in the car, drop an f bomb, or "jazz up hymns."* I have done unconventional things by my mother's standards -- all of the above minus the hymns (she totally deflated me on that one), had online boyfriends before it was common, met my ex-husband online ditto, for instance, plus a bunch of unbloggables. ;-)

But things that involve me, just me, all on my own -- scary. I have no one to guide me here, either, and no money to pay a professional to do so. If I could have five hours with a life coach -- that would be stupendous. Not happening.

But I need to find a way. Somehow. And get past the "people just don't do that" issue, finally. Or else I will end up having spent forty years of my life miserable, and for what?

*Amazingly, it seems my Baptist mother had never heard of gospel music.

Handspun

2008-11-30T14:13:00.000-08:00

Here is about 235 yards of the blue-purple handspun I was talking about. I need to see if I can find out what the fiber is specifically (it's wool, but not sure what kind or if it's a blend). I am working on Christmas Item #2 and I may make another out of this stuff. We shall see....

I finally used my yardage meter!

Advent

2008-11-29T18:26:00.001-08:00

There Should be More Four-Day Weekends

2008-11-29T16:08:00.000-08:00

This is great. It's only Saturday and I'm almost completely relaxed.

I grabbed a mocha on Thursday with a friend, who bought me some Peets Winter Solstice tea as a Thanksmas gift. Such a pretty tin, and I love the spicy black tea.

Gave up on Christmas item #2 and am thinking I maybe will never knit lace, even though I'd like to. I've cast on something I think {knock wood!!} will be quick and will work out OK. If it does, I may make another with the blue-purple handspun I mentioned the other day. I've also been spending too much time goofing off online when I should be knitting or doing a hundred other things. Like trying to figure out my sewing machine. I did a little bit earlier, then became discouraged and took a break. It's hard to see all the little bobbin and needle parts, and I am soooo not handy!

And now I'm off to the 5 PM quiet Mass, and back to knit and listen to a Prairie Home Companion. I know, the excitement is palpable!

Unbloggables

2008-11-26T21:48:00.000-08:00

There are some. Simultaneously I have a couple of difficult situations going on -- nothing life-threatening, but one just makes me wistful and the other is requiring that I be dignified in an undignified position. I am channeling my inner Nineteenth Century British Heroine for that one. I do wear my hair up most of the time...

Here are some spinning pics. The first is my Mazurka and the second is what I'm spinning on it. (Yes, I do have the loose end of the fiber twisted around the tension key -- if I let it hang too low between spinning sessions a cat is likely to have at it.)

The closer-up pic I took of the yarn didn't turn out so well. We'll see how this goes when it all gets spun and plied. I have a pound of the Corriedale so I hope to have a bit of yarn at the end of it! I have not been overly successful at very-fine spinning, so I usually end up with one big hank of something and that's it. I have a pretty purple-blue yarn that falls into that category and I know not what it should grow up to be.... I do have some more of that, unspun, so I can add to that and then figure it out. I don't know if it's even enough for something like mitts, but maybe, especially if I fulled them.

I'm glad to be getting back into fiber. It's interesting and creative and comforting all at once!

Tuesday in Thanksgiving Week

2008-11-25T22:57:00.001-08:00

Things a bit iffy on the emotional front. I am going into autopilot mode, just not thinking, when I can help it.

On a happier note, I was reading some spinning stuff online and brought my Mazurka over to my spinning (knitting, reading) chair. Poor thing... when I do spin, I usually use my Lendrum ST. But I found some Corriedale and have been happily alternating spinning that up on the Mazurka with working on the second Christmas item (about which I must say: Lifelines are your friends!).

My Mazurka is unstained, with a clear finish, unlike the one in the photo, and my Lendrum isn't double treadle. (It was basically made for me by Mr. Lendrum, as neither my vendor nor Lendrum had STs in stock at the time and I didn't want the DT, so my vendor ordered one made specifically. I always thought it was neat that the company is small enough for that, and that this wheel was mine from its very beginnings.) Photos later, in any case. It's funny... so many spinners seem to have Lendrums but although many others have Kromskis, hardly anyone seems to have a Mazurka. But that was my first wheel; fell absolutely in love with it, and it's very reasonably priced.

Tomorrow after work I am going to

a) make myself a stiff drink
b) knit for awhile before drink hits
c) spin after that
d) watch Rachel Maddow
e) sleep

And I'm off to do "e" right now as well!

LotteryLotteryLotteryLottery

2008-11-20T18:13:00.001-08:00

Can't say much, but although work has been tolerable of late, there are rumors and realities that could make me end up in the psych ward.

I've just had a nice stiff drink and feel somewhat better.

I'm trying to think of it as offering up my professional suffering. God knows I need to atone for all sorts of things. It's just that, sans job, I'd also be sans roof, so I have to pray it doesn't get that bad. Also, I've been kind of enjoying a break from the overwhelming anxiety that has plagued me off and on since 1991. It's baaaaaack.

Feh.

I've been fighting with Christmas Item #2. I changed from alpaca to linen (yes, really, and it will make sense when you get to see pictures). The linen likes to try to jump off the needles. And I've been having stitch count issues. Gahr!

Here, have some pictures. The first is of my cat very interested in a Ravelry thread. The second is the platter of nibbles I made for my friend who does the cat mani/pedis. A bowl of cornichons in the middle (mmm... still some in fridge) surrounded by naan topped with either a tomato/artichoke spread or garlic pesto, toasted pine nuts, and asiago. I guess it's not that pretty but I thought it quite delicious.

Big Deal to Me

2008-11-16T12:50:00.000-08:00

I am knitting something vaguely lacy. OK, it's actual lace, but very simple. AND I AM NOT SCREWING IT UP. I did make one mistake, but I fixed it and didn't have to rip. There's a little strand of yarn that's going over something it shouldn't be, but it's one strand in a whole item, and there's no hole or laddering and I'm FINE with that!

Just back from Mass (music made my skin hurt; I am going to the 5 PM Saturday Mass after next week when I'm a lector on Sunday; 5 PM music is not much better but is at least choirless and less obtrusive) and Trader Joe's. A friend is coming over to give the kitties a mani/pedi Tuesday and I'm feeding him. I'm not really cooking; it's more a Parisian-style buy-it-from-the-charcuterie type of mini-meal, consisting of some toasted naan with a selection of TJ's spreads (a bruschetta spread, an artichoke spread, and another that is escaping me and I'm loo lazy to get up to look at), some cornichons, and some baklava for sweetness. I also didn't make the Riesling from scratch. ;-) I should run get some cheese to shave on top of the naan, now I think of it. Oops.

I feel slightly guilty for the pre-made-ness of it all, but it's not like I'm ordering Domino's or bringing home KFC. (Both of which I quite happily eat, though.) I'm at least making bottom-line decisions and assembling (well, not the baklava). I have a feeling this probably doesn't need real justification, though, eh?

Stuff

2008-11-11T13:53:00.001-08:00

Home with a sore throat today. :-( I want to nip it in the bud before it becomes the annual Voice Loss. Bah.

I finished one of my two Christmas knitting items last night -- yeah! Can't picture, though it is on Ravelry if you're over there. I know it looks so easy (and it was) but it's definitely a bang-for-your-effort-buck item. It doesn't photograph all that stunningly, but it's very pretty in person, and has a lovely squishiness to it.

Onto finishing item 2, which I really need to get booking on.

I had a parish council meeting last night, which was interesting on many levels. (On a superficial level, I've decided when I have to bring refreshments, it's going to be a loaf of challah, some cheese, and some brownies from the King Arthur flour package.) One thing I have been struggling with at my parish is the mediocre liturgy. It's not heretical, it's not horrific, there is nothing shocking going on there. But if this were an Episcopal Church, it would be waaaaaaaaaaaay low church, and I am such a high-church person. On top of that, our music is so bad I want to cry (although there are no tambourines a la the Cathedral!). All very 70s & 80s vapidity in the hymn and Mass setting department. I confess my lack of charity -- and I will say that some things we sing would be fine at a Cursillo, a retreat, at a church camp or BBQ. But not for Mass!

Yet, I feel a responsibility. I have until the summer of 2011 to serve out my term. My parish is going through a financial rough spot, and losing parishioners would only make it worse. It's possible there would be a new choir director someday with better music, or the pastor we receive when this one retires may be more liturgically conservative.

I don't know quite what to do. For now I'm trying to think of it the same way St. Therese of Lisieux dealt with the nearby nun who clicked her rosary during prayer. I'm going to make the bad music and indifferent liturgy part of my prayer, and also part of my penance. Because Lord knows I have seven zillion things to do penance for.

It's comforting that there are many very nice people in this parish, and that even if the Mass is not so fab, it's done in an arching, beautiful, very traditional church, not someplace that looks like a gym or auditorium.

Kvetch, kvetch. Standard disclaimer: I know those who like these kinds of Masses are almost certainly better people, better Christians, better Catholics, than I am.

Off to knit and stop being so curmudgeonly!

Misplaced Guilt

2008-11-08T16:42:00.001-08:00

I always feel guilty when I don't answer the phone.

Maybe it's because I have spent much of my life waiting for the phone to ring/waiting for the mail carrier to arrive/checking my email, but only recently have I decided that if I don't feel like talking, I don't have to pick the phone up. If it's an emergency, they will leave a message and I will call them back.

Since I spend all my working hours in a loud office and with frequent calls from the public (some of which astound me), sometimes when 4:30 rolls around, I don't want to see or hear another human being. I'm an introvert who craves solitude and quiet, and 40 hours a week is spent in an environment that's almost the complete antithesis of that. If my job were 100% customer service it would be worse, but it's bad enough.

This weekend I am knitting, rearranging cupboards, reading Ravelry forums, planning on baking tomorrow, and enjoying peace and quiet. But I feel guilty for not picking up when the phone rings, even though intellectually I know there's no requirement to answer.

What's a Bummer

2008-11-07T21:51:00.000-08:00

...is that I can only knit so much before my hands get tired. Even though I've had carpal tunnel surgery on my right hand, it still gets painful and tingly sometimes, and though I've had trigger-finger surgery on both my thumbs, my left one was getting stiff and cranky again recently.

Canna be havin' that.

I use my left hand at work for my mouse and my 10-key, and I do tend to use my left hand for a lot of things. I can't use my laptop pad-thing with my left hand for some reason, though, or not very well, and I knit English, which tends to use more right-hand power. (I knit with one color in each hand when I do stranded knitting, and I do notice that Continental is slightly easier on my hand, but it doesn't feel as natural to me at all.)

And besides all that... my nose is cold!

Small Victories

2008-11-07T19:45:00.000-08:00

One of which was getting to Friday! :-D

I was working on one of my Christmas items and I knit a knot (I know...). Then I decided to tink it back and cut it out, but when I came to that stitch it got all screwed up. I'm so far along that my heart fell to think of ripping, since usually I can't fix things very well. But I tinked slowly back a row and a half, and -- it worked!

Whew.

I hit Trader Joe's on the way home. They have sacks of individually wrapped chicken breasts now. I bought a bag and put it in the freezer. I was musing on it in line -- are we really so much busier nowadays, that such things are needed? Do I, a single urban woman, have less time than an old-fashioned farm housewife with a passel of children? Probably not, although some of her time would have been apportioned strictly to the feeding of said passel. But it is harder, in a way, to feed just one person well. Not more expensive, of course, but more difficult to make sure things don't go bad, to find recipes that either feed just one or will work for leftovers, and to get the impetus to mess up a bunch of pots and pans just for me! (Nor do I have any live-in sous chefs or dishwashers.)

Hence, individually wrapped chicken breasts.

The erstwhile friend to whom I emailed the apology has not said a word nor acted any differently when our paths have crossed -- I am still completely invisible. This person is not one I would have ever pegged for a drama queen, for someone who would carry a grudge, or anything like that. And to act this way and not even tell me what I've done... it's really amazing to me. I know people are like that; I just really didn't think they were -- they've always seemed calm and sensible and reasonable. I have to admit I'm deeply hurt and saddened by it, but I've tried, and there's obviously nothing I can do.

I hate this sort of thing.

Alas.

So, anyway -- I turned the heat on for the first time on Wednesday morning, and I might have to turn it on a bit tonight. But first, I'm going to try socks and a shawl. I hate paying PG&E! I should go wrap up and get back to the knitting. This weekend I want to try to rearrange my kitchen cupboards, knit like a mad thing, maybe make some jam, and make another batch of challah. Mmm. Bread....

Never Apply This Product in a Moving Vehicle

2008-11-04T22:04:00.001-08:00

...says the packaging on my new liquid eyeliner.

Oooooooookay. Thanks for the tip.

OH, THANK GOD

2008-11-04T21:28:00.000-08:00

Sat with a drink and my knitting and gritted teeth and an upset stomach, which slowly turned into butterflies, which culminated in tears and a very loud whoop to go with the shrieking in my neighborhood.

I haven't been happy about a presidential election since before I was married, and I've been divorced for four years.

I also dropped a stitch, but managed to unearth a skinny crochet hook and, I think, save it unobtrusively. Whew.

Now I am doing the dishes and having a bath. I'm taking tomorrow morning off... I guess I don't have to now, since I don't need to stay up late for returns or drink myself into a consolation stupor. But what's not to like about getting up at 10:30 instead of 6:40?

Waiting for It to Be Over

2008-11-03T20:57:00.000-08:00

I cannot wait until this election is over. It looks good, but... argh! I will crash into such despair tomorrow night if it all goes pear-shaped. I'm glad I'm on the West Coast so by the time I leave work at 4:30, we'll already have some idea of things.

Talked to a relative whose husband is a (vocal) Republican. Well, he's vocal about everything, so this is not a surprise. While I have friends who are Republican and I've even dated a couple, they're not of the passionate/in your face/shouting at the TV persuasion, and I cannot imagine being married to someone who was. Nor can I imagine why someone who was would want to be married to a Democrat... if nothing else, my ex-husband and I voted alike. Well, except for the time that he voted for this sad outsider for mayor, because he didn't want the guy's family to be the only people who voted for him. That was sweet. He was a bit more on the conservative Democrat side when we met, but by the time we split up we were on the same political wavelength (at least I did this service for the country!). I can't imagine the tension of living with someone who was not only at the other end of the political spectrum, but wild about it. She said they don't ever talk politics in their house, which seems... I don't know. Hiding your true feelings at work or someplace like that is one thing, but in your own home? It would be hard for me.

In any case, I'm a bit of a nervous wreck and just can't wait til we know, one way or the other.

I've been knitting like crazy (for me) but feel like I'll never finish in time for Christmas. Man, I wish I knit faster! Those folks who, three weeks before Rhinebeck, say, "Hmm, think I'll knit myself a cardigan to wear there," are beyond my comprehension. To me, that's akin to saying, "I think I will build a house from the cellar up with only my hands and a hammer and finish before Thanksgiving."

The friend to whom I sent the exploratory email/apology has not acknowledged it in any way. I do check my email more frequently than most people I know, and I also said in the email that I didn't expect a response. I may never know if the email got read; I may never know what I (completely inadvertantly) did. Alas.

Going to retire to the bath, have some hot vanilla milk and then ensconce myself in bed with said knitting. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

Courtesy of the Secrets of Jesuit Breadmaking

2008-11-02T16:05:00.001-08:00

Small oven = half baking sheets= squished challah.

Maybe should have left it in a little while longer, for browner top, but:

I devoured several large hunks almost before it was handle-able.

Easy recipe! Highly recommend Br. Rick Curry's book.

My Lovely Assistants

2008-11-02T16:01:00.001-08:00

Blocking guardians.

Blocking guardians asleep on the job.

One Down, Two to Go

2008-11-01T16:45:00.000-07:00

I finished the cabled coffee cuffs for my co-workers. (Say that five times fast.) I still have Item A and Item B for family to work on; I'm thinking of the cuffs as one knitting project. They're blocking right now, giving the cats something interesting to crawl on (the blocking board) and to sniff (the cuffs).

I sent an exploratory email to a friend who seems to have inexplicably stopped speaking to me. Honestly I don't know what I did, and I'm not expecting a response, but I feel a sense of relief in having finally said something.

It poured with rain earlier today, which was nice. I ran some errands, which rinsed the car off quite nicely.

Tomorrow afternoon I'm going to try my hand at making challah; a simple-sounding recipe from my Jesuit breadmaking book. I also need to make the frosting for the espresso brownies I'm taking to a friend's on election night (will make the brownies Monday night). I am so nervous about the election. I know if I were a Republican I'd be depressed and hopeless right now, so since I'm not one I take heart in that. But anything can (and sometimes does) happen, and it could all go to hell in a handbasket in nothing flat. I will just be so glad when it's over.

Now I need to go fetch the laundry I think someone just took out of the dryer, and get cracking on the rest of the Christmas knitting.

It's Raining

2008-10-31T20:19:00.000-07:00

And I love it. :-)

Oddly, rain cheers me up. It's such a soothing sound, and it's so cozy to be inside with the cats listening to it. It's not raining hard, unfortunately, but still.

Must get back to knitting. Tomorrow is November!

It Does Occur to Me

2008-10-30T22:43:00.000-07:00

That I'm still doing what my mom always said I was growing up: Wishing my life away. And now that I'm in my 40s, that's really kind of scary. I play mind games with myself to psych myself through the week to the weekend -- even though as I say, it's not my job that's depressing me, it's still hard to keep going through endless days and long weeks. And there's always some mythical time in the future when I will be content, not just in the small "isn't JD cute?" tv-watching way, or the "I finished something!" knitting way, or the "ah, it's 11:30 on a Saturday and I'm just waking up!" way, but in a meaningful way.

If I were deeply religious I might be more content -- likely, I think. Some people probably think I am, just because I actually go to Mass, but I'm not an emotionally religious person. I've talked to people who cry at Mass or in prayer. I only cry when I'm praying if I'm praying about something that would make me cry anyway, and I cried once at Mass -- a 10 PM Newman Hall Mass I went to with a boyfriend on our way home from an emotional camping trip. Not exactly spiritual fervor.

But I digress.

The point is that I'm middle-aged and still wishing my life away. I'm going to be 70, in the home, and still waiting for something.

Just Down

2008-10-30T22:25:00.000-07:00

No particular reason. I have no patience at work (and work requires a bucketful). I come home, eat, knit, watch Scrubs re-runs on Comedy Central, sometimes watch last night's Daily Show afterwards (yes, I do have crushes on both Zach Braff and Jon Stewart, why?), have a bath, cuddle the cats and go to bed.

And then I get up in the dark and do it all over again.

At least we fall back this weekend and I will be getting up when it's freaking light out. I hate to pry myself out of bed under the most ideal circs, so doing it in the cold and dark is dreary.

If I haven't said it here before I've said it elsewhere many times -- I'm a college-educated middle-class white woman in America, and therefore I have no legitimate reason to bitch. I live in a nice blue state in a decent apartment. Also, in this economy, just having a job is something to be thankful for, even if (sing it with me) I'm meant to be a housewife. This is one of those times when my parents' Depression-era "any job is a good job; shut up and suffer quietly like everyone else" attitude is actually quite apt.

But it's not actually my job that's depressing me; I think it's the depression that's exacerbating my innate impatience.

And I'm not really sure what the source of my current malaise is. Nothing has changed since a few weeks ago when I was telling a quasi-ex that I was quite happy to be on my own, having a calm life with lots of quiet time. And it's true... I like my Comedy Central knitting evenings. Hmm.

Well, the tv-yarn-bath portions of my evening are complete, and I have a cat smushed up against me, so I think it's time for the sleeping part. Only one more day to get through until I can sleep in...

Ugh

2008-10-22T22:47:00.000-07:00

Two more days til the weekend.

I know most people don't like their jobs. I know most people live for the weekends. But man, I am such a bad worker bee. In the back of my head I am constantly daydreaming about being a housewife.

Yeah, this is just me repeating myself: Sleeping on schedule one's body wants, taking care of home, cooking, other domestic duties, no boss, no time clock, no talking to the public, no possibility of getting in trouble. Endless possibilities to sneak in reading.

There, the usual litany, she is done.

I've been knitting and ripping, knitting and ripping, ad nauseum. One of Family Items, I've just started thinking of the k/r, k/r as swatching. :-) She's getting it in the size/gauge it is now, though, damnit!

This Saturday I have a parish council retreat. I am trying to think of a way to stick up for the introverts without seeming crazy, as we discuss attracting and keeping parishioners. I know that if some sort of "greeter" had been in my face my first Sunday there, I would have gone to Mass and never come back. I think any sort of "hospitality ministry" needs to have training in Discerning Body Language. Hey -- if they're backing away, looking sideways, not smiling broadly and chatting with you, let 'em go. I know I'm way on one end of the intro-/extroverted spectrum, and the hail-fellow-well-met stuff that gives me panic attacks is one of the reasons megachurches do so well. But we're Catholic -- universal, eh? Let the introverts be! :-)

Especially when those introverts have to go to work in the morning and deal with people all day long.... :-P

Hmm.

2008-10-15T21:36:00.001-07:00

You Are a Raccoon

You are very curious. Your curiosity has led you to learn a lot about the world... including some things you rather not know.

You are also very sneaky. You can blend in when you need to, and no one really knows what you are up to.

At times, you can be morally dubious. You're willing to do a lot to get ahead, even if it means stepping on other people's toes.

You are generally passive and tend to work behind the scenes. But if someone challenges you, you get downright nasty!

What Animal Are You?

Chugging Along

2008-10-13T19:18:00.000-07:00

Ah, another Monday down.

It's reassuring that there are indeed a finite number of Mondays in one's work life.

I am keeping, more or less, to my Christmas knitting schedule. I've worked on the family items tonight while listening to Fr. Corapi (as is usual, more orthodox than I, but I love him -- though he doesn't sound like his photo!). He's funny in a wryly sarcastic way I totally get on board with, he's self-deprecating, and very interesting. I love his ultra-emphatic style, and even where I disagree with him, I appreciate him.

I feel similarly about Fr. Groeschel, though his presentation is so different. He's so quiet and gentle and soft-spoken, and again more orthodox than I, but I love listening to him. He radiates the kind of peace and joy combined with intelligence that I have so often admired in religious.

Anyway, back to the knitting. The family items continue. I need to go do my requisite two repeats on the red Irish Hiking Scarf, and I need to work on the little things for my work group. They shouldn't take too long and I might just try to churn them out in a weekend, although pacing myself does seem to be the key to avoiding screwups of massive proportions.

Fall is gloriously here. I do get tired of people who say California has no seasons -- of course it does, and you might want to check in with places like Redding* and Sonora**, which go into triple digits in the summer and have snow in the winter. But even in coastal California, all you need are your basic senses to tell the seasons.

Now, the light is slanted low during the day, much more golden than in other seasons. There is a warmth in the air that is also different -- it's definitely not cool yet (consistently), but it's almost as if you can feel the dying embers, the last burst of heat for the year. It's a cozier warmth than the heat of August... which I realize is much more moderate than in many places, but even so.

And there's something else... Perhaps you have to be from here, or have lived here for years, to feel it. It's a sort of deep-seated, quietly moving nostalgia that the slanting light and departing warmth instill in me. I love the fall.

* The Sundial Bridge, pictured on this page, is very cool.
** I went to Sonora the first weekend my ex-husband lived in CA, as well as on our honeymoon, and therefore I have some bittersweet memories of the place. But it's also the first place I ever saw snow, when I was ten.

Score!

2008-10-10T20:46:00.000-07:00

I went shopping after work and got three pairs of slacks, two skirts, and two pairs of underwear for $126 altogether. Woot!

I'm trying to have a more tailored work look, for lack of a better word. Just a little more understated and polished, especially for the winter. I tend to wear bright skirts and backless shoes to work, and while that's fine in the summer it seems a little odd in the cooler weather, I think, even here. Of course, being a large-chested zaftig person, I can't do tailored-tailored, but I can at least wear some nice black or pinstriped pants to work!

Anyway, that was fun.

I changed the yarn on one of Christmas projects and am changing the other one altogether. Well, same yarn, different pattern, for that one. I'm making the Irish Hiking Scarf for a non-family-member, but I am limiting myself to two repeats a day, so I don't go into Spaceout Mode and screw it up. It's in bright red, which is not a color I own or ever even consider wearing, but is fun to work with for someone else. I love to cable. It gives you such bang for your buck -- it looks nice and if you don't know how to do it, you think it's difficult, but it's easier than just about anything else knittingwise, as far as I'm concerned. At least, I think it's fun (as long as I have straight wooden cable needles and not those U-shaped metal ones) and somehow the turning row helps me keep my place.

Better end my knitting break here. I have to finish the second daily repeat on the red scarf and get to work re-starting the two family items. Yesterday one of my cats was determined to help me knit -- and then to keep me from knitting, by curling up in my lap and sleeping, twisting herself into many cute snoozing poses and purring so I couldn't bear to move her. At the moment she's curled up like a Danish on a chair, and my other cat never jumps on me, so I should make a move for it while I can!

Speaking of Notre Dame

2008-10-09T14:25:00.000-07:00

Next time I go to the 5 PM Vigil Mass, I'm going to watch the Sunday night Mass from Notre Dame online.

I love the Internet.

Apple Cake Possibilities

2008-10-08T23:02:00.001-07:00

Hmm. I don't normally like apple desserts, except for tarte tatin (and I even have a Le Creuset tarte tatin pan, courtesy of my oldest friend). (And until I linked to it, I had no idea how freaking expensive it was. Oy. I need to make a hell of a lot more tarte tatins, and take him a few as well.)

But that apple cake looks tarte tatin-like, and quite yummy.

While I eat apples out of hand all the time, usually I don't like their consistency in desserts. I decided while in Paris seven years ago to try it for dessert one night, just because I was, well, in Paris. The sauteeing of the apples softened them to a luscious consistency, and though my efforts are never as pretty, they succeed tastewise. (If you manage not to burn the apples, you pretty much can't screw it up.) I'm thinking I could probably manage this.

I do wonder how she flipped it out of and back into her cast-iron pan and kept it all of a piece!

I need to use my cast iron more often. I have my mom's deep covered skillet, another skillet I may have bought, and a ridged grill pan (same as this one except, obviously, ridged). The first two aren't enameled; all of them could give you a concussion if you snuck up on me in my kitchen while I had one in hand.

Man, with these expensive French pans and my "oh, while I was in Paris" comment I sound well-to-do, pretentious, or both. I should say that was my last trip to Europe and I've only ever been to the UK otherwise. (My two other forays out of the US were one night in Windsor, Ontario and a couple of day trips over the Texas/Mexico border.) And yeah, for a time most of my disposable income went into cookware. However, I also have a bunch of pretty-darn-good pans with copper bottoms I got at Mervyn's awhile back, so there you go.

Y'know, along with wondering what the role of single, childless women is in the Church, I wonder to whom single, childless women should leave their extensive cookware collection in their wills. No one else in my family likes to cook much.

ANYway, I digress. (No, really?) I'm back to thinking about apple cake. Mmm. Perhaps this will go onto the agenda of one of my Sunday baking sessions.

Pinkeye!

2008-10-08T16:07:00.001-07:00

OK, I know it's weird to be happy to have pinkeye, but it's not bugging me much at all, and I get to be off work today and tomorrow. This is a nice little break.

Keeping my distance from unwary folk, I did go check out the Cathedral on the way home. It's... not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I'm still a Notre Dame type girl, and I never would have chosen this, but it's okay. I do hate the artwork of the Stations of the Cross, and the towering Christ made of points of light behind/above the altar is a bit creepy IMHO, but the wood is beautiful, the light is nice (although I'm a fan of dark churches actually), and some of the side chapels, with rich-toned traditional art, are beautiful. The placement of the tabernacle is traditional, so you can face the altar and genuflect, which is nice. (At my parish you're at an angle of up to 90 degrees if you're next to your pew and you want to genuflect in the direction of the tabernacle.)

There was a docent giving a VERY LOUD AND ECHOING tour, which was distracting, but I just plugged my ears when I went into the Adoration Chapel. It's right behind the altar and the other side of the tabernacle faces in there. Oddly, as I knelt there, a Brother (Dominican, I think) in full habit and a non-habited man came and stood beside me, banging something around... possibly the pole of a flag or candle stand or something. One thing I am always surprised by is how people -- even, apparently, vowed and habited religious -- aren't quiet in churches, even when people are praying. The exception is the parish where I sometimes attend the Latin Mass. They're quiet. It's great.

But anyway, the brother and his friend left quickly and went into the sacristy off the chapel, and I finished praying, looked at the side chapels down the other side of the nave, and then went to see the bookstore. It's still not very well-stocked, though there were some lovely crucifixes. I have one in my bedroom of olive wood, made by Palestinian Catholics and with a little vial of soil from the Holy Land in it. Otherwise, the only other one I have is a heavy cardboard version of a San Damiano crucifix. Someday I'll get a pretty one for the hallway. Not before Christmas, though!

I'm sure I'll be back, especially after the adjoining cafe opens. When I was Episcopalian, I used to go to the Grace Cathedral bookshop and get a coffee at the little stand they had in the hall outside. My ex-husband said they made the best mochas. I am looking forward to picking up a book and then going to have some caffeine and a snack next door.

I wonder if he still has/displays the icons he got at Grace. And what his current wife thinks if he does...

I came home and managed to get the Rx drops in my eyes. I don't touch my eyes, nothing goes in my eyes, I get queasy thinking of eyes. I did OK, though, and they feel better.

So, just a passel of Christmas knitting tonight and tomorrow. I'm glad I can futz around til late tonight, and sleep in, and knit and read. On my agenda:

Item A for family member
Item B for other family member
Cabled coffee sleeves for my immediate co-workers
A cabled scarf for a good friend in another department

I am now definitely on a schedule!

Worn Out

2008-10-07T22:37:00.000-07:00

I explained today to someone I'd dated casually awhile ago that my most recent string of quasi-relationships had just tuckered. me. out. As much as I'd prefer not to be alone-alone, sitting on the couch knitting quietly is pretty OK at the moment.

Also, I've just been tired. And my eyes are bloodshot for no particular reason that I know of, except maybe allergies. I hate it when I get a queasy tired feeling, though, because when I'm queasy I can't do anything, which is frustrating. Stopped my knitting earlier tonight.

I ripped one of my Christmas gifts and began again on slightly bigger needles. It's a quick knit (so far... when I get closer to the end it may seem interminable), so I wasn't too angst-ridden over the frogging.

I really can't wait for Friday, though... it's payday, I'm leaving early to go buy some work slacks and thence to Article Pract for more Christmas-related yarn (ergo, guilt-free!), and then I will go home, curl up, and recharge. I'm a lector this Sunday so need to go to the 11 AM Mass, which is fine. But that's my only required duty this weekend.

Sometimes I daydream about getting a hotel room for the weekend -- not going anywhere, just getting a space that is sparse and clean and quiet, for a mini-retreat of books and yarn and the like. When I was an Episcopalian, I went on an actual retreat to the Bishop's Ranch (see bottom picture on right; that was the building we stayed in) which turned out a lot like that. I ended up with my own room, and there was a pool, an always-open honor-system bookshop (!!!), a chapel right across the path from our house, and hot-air balloons rising over the valley in the mornings. I don't think I could recreate that quite, but I could rustle something up, surely...

Comfort Drinking, Christmas Knitting, Religious Musing

2008-10-06T20:02:00.001-07:00

Lately I have been all about heating up a cup of milk with a packet of Splenda (well, the Safeway generic equivalent) and a splash of vanilla. I used to just drink it at bedtime but have been having it at any hour recently. Odd, I suppose...

In college I used to just get steamed milk at cafes. I might do that again, now I remember it.

(Yes, I do indulge in the more traditional type of comfort drinking. It's just not noteworthy.)

I have been knitting away on Item A and Item B for Christmas. One of them is in laceweight, although it's not lace (it does have a YO in the border, but that's it). It's going to take awhile but it's mindless, which suits me. :-) The other requires somewhat more thought, but not a lot.

The economy is actually starting to worry me. I hadn't been tripping, since I'm endless years away from getting to retire, but man... Although I am constitutionally fit only to be a housewife and find having a very regimented office job quite psychologically stressful, I certainly don't want to lose my job. It's relatively unlikely, but anything can happen.

Speaking of the housewife thing, sorta. I was listening to the local Catholic radio station while knitting today. They're way more orthodox than I am in most ways, but I find it interesting (until I get told obliquely that I cannot in good conscience vote for Obama, but that's another topic). I got to thinking about what the role of single, childless women is in the Church. I'm not a sister or nun, I'm not a consecrated virgin (!!!), I'm not married, I don't have kids. I don't see myself remarrying -- I'm not opposed to it at all; I just don't think I will. I also don't see kids in my future. I've only ever wanted one person's child (and I am ever so grateful it didn't happen, in retrospect).

However, regardless of the hypotheticals and the minutiae, the facts are: Divorced/annulled, childless. I don't have this family that is always spoken of in religious discourse. It's just me. I have relatives, but when I think of the family in the "domestic church" sense, I don't think of siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins. And since I'm the only practicing anything in my entire family, it's not like faith or spirituality comes up much.

(OK, maybe not "entire family." I have some Catholic cousins who may go to Mass, but I see them approximately once a decade. I have a fundamentalist cousin whom I avoid who may go to some church or another. By "entire family" I mean my aunts and my sisters and their families.)

And really, my ideal life, should I be able to snap my fingers and conjure it up, would be: Married, no outside job, and no kids. One of these things would be condemned by the orthodox (and possibly by the Orthodox). However, since the first one will almost certainly never happen, I don't need to worry overmuch.

I'm actually not really worrying in any case. I do need to think, though, at least, about my place in the Church. And actually, though I started this by wondering about the place of single, childless women in the Church, it applies to men too. I have read heated discussions about whether someone can be "called" to the single (but unconsecrated) life; whether it's a vocation. Most people seem to strenuously believe it's not, but there are partisans on both sides.

Something to ponder.

Woot!

2008-10-04T21:10:00.000-07:00

Or something to that effect.

I went to Mass tonight at 5 so I could grab a bite with a friend of mine afterwards, and so I can sleep in tomorrow before the family BBQ. We were walking down the street to the restaurant, and a cute guy on a bike, as he went by, looked straight at me and whistled.

Yes, for some women that's no biggie. For others it would be offensive. For me, it was like a lovely little shot of adrenaline or something. Nice. I was probably 25 the last time I was whistled at.

My friend and I had dinner and discussed Catholic radio (sometimes annoying, sometimes aggravating, sometimes cool); our parish's Mass (good homilies for the most part; music we really dislike); the new cathedral (mixed reviews, but I haven't been inside yet); the Latin Mass (we love it), confession, work, politics, and food.

I got a latte at Starbucks on the way to the car so I can use it as a model on which to slip the coffee cuffs I'm knitting for co-workers for Christmas. Maybe I'll start one of those tomorrow for BBQ knitting. Hmm.

I had a bizarre knitting episode earlier.

I’m knitting a simple scarf in mesh stitch: p, yo, p2tog, repeat repeat repeat. You’d think it would work with multiples of four stitches, and in a pre-frogging incarnation, it did.

I tried about four times this afternoon to get it to work on 36 stitches (somewhat heavy yarn).No (x4). It’s working now… on 37.

Say what?

This is why I'm not a math and science person -- a four-stitch repeat has given me a headache!

Feast Day

2008-10-04T11:11:00.000-07:00

It's St. Francis' feast day, so it's one of my name days. I announced to the cats that it was the feast day of one of my patron saints, and theirs too. They were not particularly interested.

Been knitting, frogging, knitting.... Mostly it's been on Christmas stuff while I await the arrival of my extra skein of alpaca-silk for my own scarf. It's been a long time, but feels good, to be on deadline knitting. I don't work well under grave pressure but a deadline is a good thing. I like to have a goal.

Mass tonight, so I can sleep in again tomorrow. I did bail on the birding outing... I just don't feel comfortable with them. It's all me, I admit it freely! Also, I was exhausted at the end of this week. It was great so sleep until 10.

Tomorrow is a family BBQ and I'd better get my socks started so I have some knitting to bring! Since the recipients of the two other projects will be there, I can't exactly whip them out.

And now to straighten up round here. Such excitement!

Desperate for the Weekend

2008-10-02T20:16:00.000-07:00

As usual, can't say anything about work, except that Friday night cannot come soon enough. Actually, retirement can't come soon enough. Well, other than the fact that the economy is tanking and for that reason I'm glad I'm 25 years away from it...

One thing I will say I am grateful for, as opposed to the life of my math-and-science-guy friends. One of them texted me at one o'clock this morning; he was going to be up all night coding. He texted me at 6 PM and told me he was just leaving work; had had a 13-hour day. That never happens to me. It's mostly because I'm hourly and literally punch a time clock (no, really, seriously) -- but I walk out the door two minutes after my day ends, always.

I've been knitting furiously on some Christmas gifts; I know it's only October but I'm a slow, slow knitter. And a big-time frogger. So far, so good, though. I'm also going to start the Koigu socks tomorrow; I have a family BBQ to go to Sunday and I want to have non-gift knitting to bring along.

My first birding class was last night. I was a bit awkward when we had to do introductions (I hate the going-round-the-room-introducing-yourself-and-explaining-why-you're-there thing, and I was third so had little time to think), and later I answered a question I think the instructor was hoping someone else might answer, and afterwards in a group discussion with her about binoculars, I kind of blurted out that I close one eye while using them and I think I should have waited for a longer pause in the conversation before saying anything, but it was apropos to the discussion at hand, so... I left feeling very awkward and unhappy, but I will go on this weekend's field trip and see how it goes. At least I think I will.

Although from the general binocular discussion, it seems my $100-ish Bushnells are utter crap -- and even all these very beginning birders have better ones. I tend to maybe agree with them since I do have a hard time with these binoculars, but I thought it was either because of my glasses or my lazy eye. Maybe not. However, they are what I have for at least the next couple of years... and if I bail on this class, who knows if I will ever get good enough to need better ones?

I finally decided ten days or so ago to sign up for a Ravelry invitation; I don't know why it had never occurred to me before. So since last weekend I've been playing around on there. It is pretty damned amazing.

Going to go soak in a tub. I'm worried that with the incipient drought, my long-bath days may be over for quite some time soon. But after my day today (thankfully not 13 hours) I need some bubbles and hot water! Then another hour or so of knitting. The last time I was on a knitting schedule was two years ago when I knit a cabled scarf for a quasi-boyfriend. He liked it and wore it, at least, even if our relationship was doomed. (And I don't think it's because I knit for him!)

Running Screaming into the Night

2008-09-28T18:44:00.000-07:00

So, I finally had my scarf rhythm. You know, on the ever-so-freaking-simple quasi-lace little pattern. The one a real knitter could do while anesthetized. Yeah. That one.

Happily knitting along, everything working, no wackiness, several inches of stretchy soft grey goodness on 28 little stitches. (Well, the stitches were quite big, but 28 is not many, I mean.)

Until.

There. Were. 26.

AAAAAUUUUGGGHHH.

Had I a knitting mentor, I probably could have handed it to them and they could have said, "Oh, yeah, look what you did here," futzed for a minute with the row below, and handed it back to me with my beloved 28 stitches back.

Having none, I cursed myself for trying to watch television while doing anything but knit stitches (I've even said this!), and I ripped the damned thing.

I don't know what my problem is. This has been my besetting issue ever since I started knitting. Yet, over time, I've knit scarves (with cables, even), fingerless gloves, socks, hats (Fair Isle and cabled). I still can never seem to get over the "mysterious screwup that messes with my stitch count," no matter what. Except for in colorwork, because it's color-coded. I can't screw it up.

I'm going to go have dinner now and start. it. again.

Yes. Except for the Celibacy.

2008-09-28T14:46:00.000-07:00

Your result for The Who Would You Be in 1400 AD Test...

The Monk

You scored 24% Cardinal, 67% Monk, 35% Lady, and 32% Knight!

You live a peaceful, quiet life. Very little danger comes your way and you live a long time. You are wise and modest, but also stagnant. You have little comfort, little food and have taken a vow of silence. But who needs chatter when just sitting in the cloister of your abbey with The Good Book makes you perfectly content.

Take The Who Would You Be in 1400 AD Test at HelloQuizzy

Disorganized

2008-09-28T14:33:00.000-07:00

I was going to get up and go to Mass at the new cathedral today, to give the interior a chance. But that Mass was at 10 and I woke up around 9:40. Probably could have made it in a mad dash, but then one's not really recollected, y'know?

I was up in plenty of time for my usual Mass but futzed around and then had to make a mad dash there. So much for recollection. One of my favorite Jesuits was celebrating, so I managed to settle down eventually.

I came home afterwards, lollygagged a bit and then went to the store. I'm in frugal mode, so it wasn't nearly as much fun as I normally have. Alas.

I have to go bone and skin the chicken leg quarters I got to make the coq a reisling for Friday. Actually, I'm going to make it Thursday night since it allegedly improves with an overnight for flavors to meld. I will need to grab dill, a leek, and some mushrooms on my way home Thursday. I think the recipe calls for bone-in, but I just don't like fishing bones out of stew while I'm eating it, so they're history. Cutting them up now will mean less small-fridge-space taken up for the next few days.

My dinner guest for Friday is a friend with a great history of being a flake vis a vis engagements. The good thing about this dish is that it seems like I could eat it myself over the course of several dinners and it'd be fine. It's not like I'm going to be standing at the stove doing something complicated, which I'd be a little annoyed at doing just for myself. And that says something about me... I'm trying to do the complicated stuff even just for me, but feedback is nice.

I heated up some of my kiwi daiquiri jam last night and poured it over the tiny bit of leftover vanilla ice cream I had. Nowhere near as pretty as a berry or plum jam -- but verrrrry good. I did bail on the thought of making my own ice cream for Friday (see: frugal and tendency to flake). Ben & Jerry's will do just fine.

Now, off to knit! (I got the scarf working again.)