I was re-reading my last post and was thinking about how I have a pretty intellectual approach to faith, which probably seems counterintuitive. I had been talking really mostly about the practice of Catholicism and how people with my political views tend not to practice the sort of devotions that appeal to me. I hadn't really been addressing faith per se, or feelings at all. Things like whether or not one believes in the Real Presence are faith-related, of course, but that wasn't the main thrust of my thoughts.
I do wish I still had the rock-solid faith of my childhood, before I (funnily enough) went off to a Catholic college and lost my faith altogether til I was 29 or so. And I do wish I were more emotional about faith. Only once in recent memory have I had an emotional religious experience, while praying the rosary one night on my couch. In general, though, it's much more in my head than an emotional thing.
It's strange, since I can be very emotional in some situations. I wonder if I am afraid of what really breaking down internal emotional barriers, spiritually, might feel like/mean/result in.
In the meantime, I practice the devotions I am drawn to, meet my Sunday and holy day obligations, and try to settle into my niche as a politically liberal theological moderate-to-conservative. Possibly one day I will have the grace of a melted heart as well, or I may stay more Flannery O'Connor-like. We shall see.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Odd Theological Duck
So, I was reading some blogs by more politically moderate-to-liberal Catholic women, and I'm coming to at least the interim conclusion that I am a completely odd duck theologically speaking, at least in this era.
I am a Democrat, and I part ways with traditional Church teaching when it comes to sex. (I'm not advocating sleeping around, but I do not hew the Church line on sex or contraception.) Otherwise, I am rather traditional: I believe in the Real Presence; I am fine with male-only priests; I honor Mary and the Communion of Saints; I love traditional music and chant; I want a formal and reverent liturgy; I say "for us men" in the Creed and I bow at the appropriate time; I don't call the Holy Spirit "she"; I attend Mass every week; I don't take Communion if I haven't gone to Confession and need to; I enjoy the Latin Mass; I wear a veil when I go and have been considering ways to unobtrusively cover my hair at my home parish; I often pray the rosary and/or the Divine Mercy chaplet; I enjoy going to Adoration. Etc.
So I'm not at home in either the trad or progressive camps. The trads are so anti-Democrat it's blinding. But I'm a union woman descended of union men; I'm someone who was raised working-class and is I suppose middle-class now by virtue of education and collar color but barely; someone who is against the death penalty and most of our wars; I believe in big government because I believe we can accomplish more banded together as a nation than as a collection of small groups or even states, and because we can't rely on the whim of people to give to private charities; I believe in a social safety net; I believe consenting non-related adults should be able to be joined legally if they wish and that this is simply a matter of fairness and civil rights and has nothing to do with whether any church should approve.
I can't set all that aside. And I believe that all of it, except my support for gay marriage, IS consistent with Catholic social teaching. None of it, anyway, is banned by Catholic social teaching. Given all that, I can never vote Republican; I can't side with the wealthy, the powerful, the institutionally selfish, the "family values" people who make me cringe (I haven't got a family -- have I no values? And that's code for "No gay people!" anyway); the "I got mine; pick yourself up by your bootstraps and no, I don't give a damn if you haven't got any," etc. (I realize not every Republican is like that... but whenever I hear a GOP politician speak I am appalled.) But it's a rare mantilla-wearing, TLM-attending person who doesn't vote that way. There must be one or two. But not many. And add to that my more relaxed views on sexuality in general...
On the other side, people who share my political views often have very... um... Protestant views of religion, even if they're Catholic. They do tend to do things like call the Holy Spirit "she," to wish for women priests, to blur the lines of the Real Presence, to not practice traditional devotions like the rosary or Adoration, to perhaps find me a bit much since I have statues, icons, and crucifixes at home, go to Confession, always go to Mass, wear crucifixes and medals, and the like. I think they would find both my internal and external manifestations of faith overblown.
And they'd probably think I was a political conservative.
I want to add strenuously that I believe most of them are far better people, and Christians, than I am. Far. We just don't share the same form of piety, even if we are both Catholic.
In most situations in my life -- family, school, work -- I've frequently been the black sheep, the odd one. And I guess so it is here, as well.
I am a Democrat, and I part ways with traditional Church teaching when it comes to sex. (I'm not advocating sleeping around, but I do not hew the Church line on sex or contraception.) Otherwise, I am rather traditional: I believe in the Real Presence; I am fine with male-only priests; I honor Mary and the Communion of Saints; I love traditional music and chant; I want a formal and reverent liturgy; I say "for us men" in the Creed and I bow at the appropriate time; I don't call the Holy Spirit "she"; I attend Mass every week; I don't take Communion if I haven't gone to Confession and need to; I enjoy the Latin Mass; I wear a veil when I go and have been considering ways to unobtrusively cover my hair at my home parish; I often pray the rosary and/or the Divine Mercy chaplet; I enjoy going to Adoration. Etc.
So I'm not at home in either the trad or progressive camps. The trads are so anti-Democrat it's blinding. But I'm a union woman descended of union men; I'm someone who was raised working-class and is I suppose middle-class now by virtue of education and collar color but barely; someone who is against the death penalty and most of our wars; I believe in big government because I believe we can accomplish more banded together as a nation than as a collection of small groups or even states, and because we can't rely on the whim of people to give to private charities; I believe in a social safety net; I believe consenting non-related adults should be able to be joined legally if they wish and that this is simply a matter of fairness and civil rights and has nothing to do with whether any church should approve.
I can't set all that aside. And I believe that all of it, except my support for gay marriage, IS consistent with Catholic social teaching. None of it, anyway, is banned by Catholic social teaching. Given all that, I can never vote Republican; I can't side with the wealthy, the powerful, the institutionally selfish, the "family values" people who make me cringe (I haven't got a family -- have I no values? And that's code for "No gay people!" anyway); the "I got mine; pick yourself up by your bootstraps and no, I don't give a damn if you haven't got any," etc. (I realize not every Republican is like that... but whenever I hear a GOP politician speak I am appalled.) But it's a rare mantilla-wearing, TLM-attending person who doesn't vote that way. There must be one or two. But not many. And add to that my more relaxed views on sexuality in general...
On the other side, people who share my political views often have very... um... Protestant views of religion, even if they're Catholic. They do tend to do things like call the Holy Spirit "she," to wish for women priests, to blur the lines of the Real Presence, to not practice traditional devotions like the rosary or Adoration, to perhaps find me a bit much since I have statues, icons, and crucifixes at home, go to Confession, always go to Mass, wear crucifixes and medals, and the like. I think they would find both my internal and external manifestations of faith overblown.
And they'd probably think I was a political conservative.
I want to add strenuously that I believe most of them are far better people, and Christians, than I am. Far. We just don't share the same form of piety, even if we are both Catholic.
In most situations in my life -- family, school, work -- I've frequently been the black sheep, the odd one. And I guess so it is here, as well.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Early to Bed
It's not even ten and I'm hitting the sack. I'm sure the feline occupants of this place will be pleased. I've cleaned up a bit, and knitted a bit, and read a bit... I am feeling a little less stressed than when I got home. It's possible there will be something awful waiting for me at work tomorrow... one can never discount that possibility at all. But I'm being more philosophical about it.
Quiet night tomorrow; aunt ferrying on Saturday before Mass and then another quiet night. I need them. Next week is only three days long, followed by my birthday! It will probably be quiet too, but I am fine with it. I'm very much in Hermit Bookworm mode at the moment.
I have discovered a couple of blogs written by practicing Catholic women who are more progressive than some of the other folks I've been reading lately. While I am very much drawn to/a practitioner of traditional devotions (and I don't call the Holy Spirit "she"), I am interested to read what they have to say, because I've definitely been struggling between my pretty darn liberal political views and my religion. More on them and that later.
Quiet night tomorrow; aunt ferrying on Saturday before Mass and then another quiet night. I need them. Next week is only three days long, followed by my birthday! It will probably be quiet too, but I am fine with it. I'm very much in Hermit Bookworm mode at the moment.
I have discovered a couple of blogs written by practicing Catholic women who are more progressive than some of the other folks I've been reading lately. While I am very much drawn to/a practitioner of traditional devotions (and I don't call the Holy Spirit "she"), I am interested to read what they have to say, because I've definitely been struggling between my pretty darn liberal political views and my religion. More on them and that later.
Tense
I am so sick of being tense and stressed out and, frankly, paranoid at my office.
This is not the life I envisioned for myself when I was a kid. Granted, I had unrealisitic expectations of being a writer when I was a kid. But at no point between consciousness and college graduation did I envision this sort of life.
It all comes down to money. I don't have any -- mostly because of my own stupidity -- and therefore I have no freedom. Or, I should say, I have just enough that I have no freedom. Those without any money at all have a terrible sort of freedom.
This is not the life I envisioned for myself when I was a kid. Granted, I had unrealisitic expectations of being a writer when I was a kid. But at no point between consciousness and college graduation did I envision this sort of life.
It all comes down to money. I don't have any -- mostly because of my own stupidity -- and therefore I have no freedom. Or, I should say, I have just enough that I have no freedom. Those without any money at all have a terrible sort of freedom.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Somehow It's Sunday Again
Sigh.
I made a batch of oatmeal cookies today, to take to work. And a pan of shortbread, which I took to my aunt. Who needs me to take her grocery shopping next weekend despite the fact that we have two unemployed people in our immediate family. I'm not sure of the logic there, but I have given up trying to figure it out.
The baked goods do seem to have all turned out well, though, which is gratifying. I hate it when I screw stuff like that up.
So last night I went out with my friend from out of town and one other friend... or, more precisely, I met them at a bar. It sucked a bit, since I knew only them and one other person, and ended up mostly watching sports TV I couldn't hear. I only stayed a couple of hours and came on home. Eh. I'd wanted to stay home and I should have.
I'm just not a social butterfly. I can only relax in certain milieux -- I need to know and like a very large proportion of the people. I don't like it when it's crowded (I got woozily claustrophobic at my family's Easter gathering this year) and I hate it when I feel old, huge, and/or wildly out of place.
These parameters make socializing difficult. Yet, in my Walter Mitty dreams, I am always having wonderful, cozy, intellectual evenings with a great group of smart, educated, interesting, funny, kind, like-minded comrades, with whom I am completely comfortable.
These people don't exist.
Well, they do, sort of. I have a very small handful of friends I feel comfortable with, and they are all indeed smart, educated, funny, and kind. The problems are these: They're almost all partnered, so it's not like we can just gather all together whenever. We're not exactly like-minded -- my religious friends are more politically conservative than I am (not hard to do) and the friends with whom I agree politically range from the apathetically agnostic to the atheist, with some vague "everyone is going to heaven and your religion doesn't matter" sort of things thrown in occasionally. This also means that mixing them up together might not be a good idea, except on the "let's blow up the chemistry lab" principle. And although I feel as comfortable with them as I am likely to feel with anyone, since I've been divorced there's no one I feel completely comfortable with.
And look what happened when I did feel completely comfortable with someone!
Of course in my Walter Mitty dreams we also don't seem to be in the US, but in a beautiful high-ceilinged ancient apartment somewhere in Europe. We're certainly not crammed into my ugly 1970 apartment. I guess that's why they call them fantasies.
It's a full moon, which means work tomorrow will undoubtedly dish up a rich assortment of craziness. Must sleep now.
I made a batch of oatmeal cookies today, to take to work. And a pan of shortbread, which I took to my aunt. Who needs me to take her grocery shopping next weekend despite the fact that we have two unemployed people in our immediate family. I'm not sure of the logic there, but I have given up trying to figure it out.
The baked goods do seem to have all turned out well, though, which is gratifying. I hate it when I screw stuff like that up.
So last night I went out with my friend from out of town and one other friend... or, more precisely, I met them at a bar. It sucked a bit, since I knew only them and one other person, and ended up mostly watching sports TV I couldn't hear. I only stayed a couple of hours and came on home. Eh. I'd wanted to stay home and I should have.
I'm just not a social butterfly. I can only relax in certain milieux -- I need to know and like a very large proportion of the people. I don't like it when it's crowded (I got woozily claustrophobic at my family's Easter gathering this year) and I hate it when I feel old, huge, and/or wildly out of place.
These parameters make socializing difficult. Yet, in my Walter Mitty dreams, I am always having wonderful, cozy, intellectual evenings with a great group of smart, educated, interesting, funny, kind, like-minded comrades, with whom I am completely comfortable.
These people don't exist.
Well, they do, sort of. I have a very small handful of friends I feel comfortable with, and they are all indeed smart, educated, funny, and kind. The problems are these: They're almost all partnered, so it's not like we can just gather all together whenever. We're not exactly like-minded -- my religious friends are more politically conservative than I am (not hard to do) and the friends with whom I agree politically range from the apathetically agnostic to the atheist, with some vague "everyone is going to heaven and your religion doesn't matter" sort of things thrown in occasionally. This also means that mixing them up together might not be a good idea, except on the "let's blow up the chemistry lab" principle. And although I feel as comfortable with them as I am likely to feel with anyone, since I've been divorced there's no one I feel completely comfortable with.
And look what happened when I did feel completely comfortable with someone!
Of course in my Walter Mitty dreams we also don't seem to be in the US, but in a beautiful high-ceilinged ancient apartment somewhere in Europe. We're certainly not crammed into my ugly 1970 apartment. I guess that's why they call them fantasies.
It's a full moon, which means work tomorrow will undoubtedly dish up a rich assortment of craziness. Must sleep now.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
One of Them
Yesterday, at Trader Joe's, I was one of the people who drive me nuts there. The location closest to home is set up totally differently from the one I normally go to, which is closer to work. I was searching for the garlic pesto. It was not where it "should" have been.
One guy had to ask me to move. One other just stood there with his cart and glowered until I did.
I found the pesto. And realized I'd been doing the "gawping tourist in Trader Joe's" thing... or at least seemed to. Oops.
I did, however, get all my grocery shopping done, then went to confession during an hour of Adoration at a nearby (not my) church. I still get so nervous before I go. I wonder if it would be different if a) I could come up with some new sins this time and/or b) I'd been raised Catholic and had been doing this since I was a kid.
They prayed the Divine Mercy chaplet at 3. I have never prayed this with a group before and I liked it.
I spent the evening drinking beer (!)* and having pizza with some friends from grade/high school in the backyard of one of their parents' house. This is a neighborhood in which I could never dream of living, either as a child or now (especially). So it was nice but it was also kind of wistful. I'd give my right arm for that kitchen!
There we go. I have a new sin for confession next time -- kitchen envy.
*I don't normally drink beer. I can't remember the last full bottle I've drunk before last night.
One guy had to ask me to move. One other just stood there with his cart and glowered until I did.
I found the pesto. And realized I'd been doing the "gawping tourist in Trader Joe's" thing... or at least seemed to. Oops.
I did, however, get all my grocery shopping done, then went to confession during an hour of Adoration at a nearby (not my) church. I still get so nervous before I go. I wonder if it would be different if a) I could come up with some new sins this time and/or b) I'd been raised Catholic and had been doing this since I was a kid.
They prayed the Divine Mercy chaplet at 3. I have never prayed this with a group before and I liked it.
I spent the evening drinking beer (!)* and having pizza with some friends from grade/high school in the backyard of one of their parents' house. This is a neighborhood in which I could never dream of living, either as a child or now (especially). So it was nice but it was also kind of wistful. I'd give my right arm for that kitchen!
There we go. I have a new sin for confession next time -- kitchen envy.
*I don't normally drink beer. I can't remember the last full bottle I've drunk before last night.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Age
I know I wrote about this at the time of the election; I can't remember what I was reading but it was something online through the USCCB or something, and I realized it was aimed at "young people."
I am not a young person.
But.
Having said that -- I can't quite conceive of myself as middle-aged, either. In some ways I was always "old before my time," wanting people to send me postcards from their vacations when they just wanted to party; reading "big books" other people rolled their eyes at; struggling with depression and anxiety since middle school; dressing older than my age since I had a very large chest very young; thinking of a night of reading as preferable to a night of socializing most of the time; things like that. In my habits and preferences I haven't changed much since I was about 16. So no wonder I feel I'm still about 16! (OK, except I do the old lady thing of thinking much modern youth fashion -- except the eccentric intellectual kids' clothes -- is crap, and I don't like a lot of modern music -- except the eccentric intellectual kind. ;-)
The genesis of this line of thought is that I've been reading about Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati. What a cool guy! No, seriously. Even if you aren't the least bit religious, read a little about him. Anyone who likes laughter, the outdoors, animals, and/or general conviviality would no doubt like him. Just the fact that I'd say "what a cool guy" about a person on the road to (hopeful) canonization should tell you something.
Yet, he's seen as a patron of youth (and the reason why is obvious). All of the Frassati Societies they link to, save one, are made up of kids. The "save one" made me happy. Unfortunately, none of them are even on the West Coast.
Still, though, this is one more instance where I am identifying as younger than I am. I guess in some ways that's good.
I am not a young person.
But.
Having said that -- I can't quite conceive of myself as middle-aged, either. In some ways I was always "old before my time," wanting people to send me postcards from their vacations when they just wanted to party; reading "big books" other people rolled their eyes at; struggling with depression and anxiety since middle school; dressing older than my age since I had a very large chest very young; thinking of a night of reading as preferable to a night of socializing most of the time; things like that. In my habits and preferences I haven't changed much since I was about 16. So no wonder I feel I'm still about 16! (OK, except I do the old lady thing of thinking much modern youth fashion -- except the eccentric intellectual kids' clothes -- is crap, and I don't like a lot of modern music -- except the eccentric intellectual kind. ;-)
The genesis of this line of thought is that I've been reading about Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati. What a cool guy! No, seriously. Even if you aren't the least bit religious, read a little about him. Anyone who likes laughter, the outdoors, animals, and/or general conviviality would no doubt like him. Just the fact that I'd say "what a cool guy" about a person on the road to (hopeful) canonization should tell you something.
Yet, he's seen as a patron of youth (and the reason why is obvious). All of the Frassati Societies they link to, save one, are made up of kids. The "save one" made me happy. Unfortunately, none of them are even on the West Coast.
Still, though, this is one more instance where I am identifying as younger than I am. I guess in some ways that's good.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Speaking of Being a Religious Nut
I actually sat down and read Humanae Vitae the other day. It's in the second big thick volume of VII and post-conciliar documents I have.
OK. So now at least I have read it. I am going to read it a few more times, with some time in between.
I am sure many dissenters have read it, but I bet many more have not. I decided I'd better actually read the real document.
I still am not convinced. Obviously I am not a catechist, and if I were, I would simply say, "This is what the Church teaches and why; and by the way, here's a printout of the actual encyclical."
Of course, as a single woman with no potential husband, it's a totally moot point for me (as are a lot of the RCC sticking points). Which is rather a relief really.
So see -- not even a "good Catholic" let alone a religious nut!
OK. So now at least I have read it. I am going to read it a few more times, with some time in between.
I am sure many dissenters have read it, but I bet many more have not. I decided I'd better actually read the real document.
I still am not convinced. Obviously I am not a catechist, and if I were, I would simply say, "This is what the Church teaches and why; and by the way, here's a printout of the actual encyclical."
Of course, as a single woman with no potential husband, it's a totally moot point for me (as are a lot of the RCC sticking points). Which is rather a relief really.
So see -- not even a "good Catholic" let alone a religious nut!
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