Wanting What You Can't Have

Do you ever feel like

• you don't want X
  
• you decide maybe X would be okay
• X begins to seem rather desirable
• X seems attainable
• X reveals itself as not attainable
• you feel like a freaking moron
• you try to remember when you didn't want X
• you pretend you still don't want X
• and refuse to talk about it

Yeah.

Downward

Oh, to be a person without wild mood swings.

The upswings are fine. They make being friendly and sociable much easier. The downswings are not fine. I manage to hide them now. I get up and go to work and 99.99% of the time, I don't leave early. I do my grocery shopping. I talk to people. I do not, usually, burst into tears although sometimes I will get teary-eyed.

It's bad enough when it's just biochemical. When it's stupid, stupid stuff that I should know better about that either energizes me or drop-kicks me, I can add "you bloody moron, how old are you?" to the joys of dejection.

I am on a downswing. It will end. But it might end because something stupid will cheer me up. And I will know it's stupid -- and dangerous, because it's ephemeral and will subsequently let me down -- but I will run with it anyway, just for the relief of feeling my spirits soaring and a tingling happiness, just for a little while.

Sigh

I wore colors for you. And you didn't even notice.

*~*~*~*~*~*

And while I'm at it: Messages are sent in order to be answered. If you don't answer them, you are sending a message anyway. Make sure that's what you mean to do.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Damnit.

That is all.

Stop me, damnit

I've been reading blogs and seeing some pictures from Sock Summit, and some folks' cute short haircuts are calling to me.

I know my hair itself looks cute short -- it's curly and does these neat marcel waves across the back of my head. Also, it dries much faster than my current to-the-base-of-my-shoulder-blades mop of auburn wildness.

But I am a big person, and on me, a head with a short cap of curls looks like a cherry on top of a mountain of ice cream. (Food metaphor. How apropos.) Also, I like twisting my hair up into a semi-French twist and feeling all of it anchored, firmly -- unlike when short curls are just bobbing about. And there's the versatility of wearing it up, tumbling down my back or else in a ponytail.

I have to remind myself I don't look like a chic perky pixie with short hair, because the cuteness is getting to me -- as is the "hmm, no heavy hot hair" -- even though I know if I cut if off I'd regret it, especially since I hate going and getting my hair cut. I always look like crap in the mirrors, I have to chat, and I have to pay them! The only part I really like is getting the back of my neck shaved; that feels good.

I don't want to look like an aging hippie with long hair, but since it's thick, curly, and has no grey, and since I always wear makeup, that's probably an unfounded fear. (Aging hippies are fine people. I just don't fancy the look.)

Complete Inertia!

I haz it.

It's beautiful and sunny out. I have

a. Vacuumed
b. Put some dishes away
c. Had toast and tea
d. Called my aunt

It's almost noon and I'm in my jammies still! Off to have tea with C at 2, but I should be doing so many things.

I finally did see a life coach last week. He was pretty tough love about a lot of things (my weight, my shyness, my procrastination), but that's good, mostly. The fact that he was also funny, and thought my intelligence and sense of humor were immediately apparent, was more pleasant! I have a to-do list, some of which I just can't blog about.

I've done much of it. Not all of it.

One thing he said is that whether I ever publish or not, I need to write as part of my creative life. Since I handed him extensive answers to the long questionnaire he requires, he got a pretty good sampling of my writing. I am having a followup meeting with him, and he told me he wanted an outline of the novel that has been in my head for a year or so. He actually made me stand up and pitch it to him... the amazing thing is, I did it. And I came home and by the end of the weekend had the outline done.

I was telling my sister I kind of have to go on autopilot and not think, "This idea is dumb. That idea will never work. I could never do X, Y, or Z because of A, B, and C." If I do that, I will be totally paralyzed, and paralysis is what has gotten me to my age and state in life.

However, the inertia is settling in. It's not the paralysis of terror or pessimism or overthinking, or the retreating to the "my life is miserable but at the moment it's not terrifying so I will just go back to the devil I know" sort of thing. It's just... laziness.

This is when it's not good to live alone. If someone was here to nudge me, that would help. Also, being able to split daily life chores helps with fatigue. OTOH, there are people with kids who work more than 40 hours a week and who get a lot done, so I should STFU, no?

And being married didn't help too much with that, anyway.

*~*~*

This week I totally faked a felted purse I may give as a Christmas gift, if it felts well. I had no pattern, just cast on enough worsted weight to get around a 24" circ (size 10, which I really only use for felting projects), and then after awhile bound off half the stitches and knit flat for a flap. Winged a buttonhole (bound off six stitches, cast them back on in the next row), am now making a strap. I ixnayed I-cord and the kind of strap I recently used on my own felted tote, since it was too wide. I'm just going with a strip of garter stitch since it will felt anyway. And if the whole thing turns out to be crap, well, I will chuck it... only three skeins of stash yarn and a week. It's not like ruining a sweater!

Next up is a hopefully simple-enough lace scarf for mememememe in what KnitPicks calls hyacinth but I call plain old dark purple.

And meanwhile I'm making dishcloths -- I like the way the mercerized cotton feels against the KP Harmonies, which are my all-time flat-out madly-in-love favoritest favorite needles ever. (Um, I like them.) They're useful, and I can probably get some neutral colors and make washcloths in the same patterns to wrap up with soap for small gifts. It's a good way to just practice stitch patterns, as well.

*~*~*

I don't know why, but I often have an image in my head from my freshman year of college. It was the fall of 1985 and I was going to a very small college nearby. I was in the basement of the library; there were carrels against the far wall, with windows above them that looked out onto the main road into the tiny campus and across to the trees beyond, and then down the hill. I was writing a paper on Sylvia Plath, and I wanted to work on campus for awhile. I remember walking down one of the stacks toward a carrel, with the light filtering in, and putting my books and whatnot down.

I don't know if I felt it then, but ever since, on the frequent occasions when that moment crosses my mind, I have such a feeling of peace and happiness and purpose. I had that feeling in other moments throughout college, but this one sticks with me for some reason; maybe because it was the first. I have never felt this way in post-academic life.

Religion & Emotion

I was re-reading my last post and was thinking about how I have a pretty intellectual approach to faith, which probably seems counterintuitive. I had been talking really mostly about the practice of Catholicism and how people with my political views tend not to practice the sort of devotions that appeal to me. I hadn't really been addressing faith per se, or feelings at all. Things like whether or not one believes in the Real Presence are faith-related, of course, but that wasn't the main thrust of my thoughts.

I do wish I still had the rock-solid faith of my childhood, before I (funnily enough) went off to a Catholic college and lost my faith altogether til I was 29 or so. And I do wish I were more emotional about faith. Only once in recent memory have I had an emotional religious experience, while praying the rosary one night on my couch. In general, though, it's much more in my head than an emotional thing.

It's strange, since I can be very emotional in some situations. I wonder if I am afraid of what really breaking down internal emotional barriers, spiritually, might feel like/mean/result in.

In the meantime, I practice the devotions I am drawn to, meet my Sunday and holy day obligations, and try to settle into my niche as a politically liberal theological moderate-to-conservative. Possibly one day I will have the grace of a melted heart as well, or I may stay more Flannery O'Connor-like. We shall see.

Odd Theological Duck

So, I was reading some blogs by more politically moderate-to-liberal Catholic women, and I'm coming to at least the interim conclusion that I am a completely odd duck theologically speaking, at least in this era.

I am a Democrat, and I part ways with traditional Church teaching when it comes to sex. (I'm not advocating sleeping around, but I do not hew the Church line on sex or contraception.) Otherwise, I am rather traditional: I believe in the Real Presence; I am fine with male-only priests; I honor Mary and the Communion of Saints; I love traditional music and chant; I want a formal and reverent liturgy; I say "for us men" in the Creed and I bow at the appropriate time; I don't call the Holy Spirit "she"; I attend Mass every week; I don't take Communion if I haven't gone to Confession and need to; I enjoy the Latin Mass; I wear a veil when I go and have been considering ways to unobtrusively cover my hair at my home parish; I often pray the rosary and/or the Divine Mercy chaplet; I enjoy going to Adoration. Etc.

So I'm not at home in either the trad or progressive camps. The trads are so anti-Democrat it's blinding. But I'm a union woman descended of union men; I'm someone who was raised working-class and is I suppose middle-class now by virtue of education and collar color but barely; someone who is against the death penalty and most of our wars; I believe in big government because I believe we can accomplish more banded together as a nation than as a collection of small groups or even states, and because we can't rely on the whim of people to give to private charities; I believe in a social safety net; I believe consenting non-related adults should be able to be joined legally if they wish and that this is simply a matter of fairness and civil rights and has nothing to do with whether any church should approve.

I can't set all that aside. And I believe that all of it, except my support for gay marriage, IS consistent with Catholic social teaching. None of it, anyway, is banned by Catholic social teaching. Given all that, I can never vote Republican; I can't side with the wealthy, the powerful, the institutionally selfish, the "family values" people who make me cringe (I haven't got a family -- have I no values? And that's code for "No gay people!" anyway); the "I got mine; pick yourself up by your bootstraps and no, I don't give a damn if you haven't got any," etc. (I realize not every Republican is like that... but whenever I hear a GOP politician speak I am appalled.) But it's a rare mantilla-wearing, TLM-attending person who doesn't vote that way. There must be one or two. But not many. And add to that my more relaxed views on sexuality in general...

On the other side, people who share my political views often have very... um... Protestant views of religion, even if they're Catholic. They do tend to do things like call the Holy Spirit "she," to wish for women priests, to blur the lines of the Real Presence, to not practice traditional devotions like the rosary or Adoration, to perhaps find me a bit much since I have statues, icons, and crucifixes at home, go to Confession, always go to Mass, wear crucifixes and medals, and the like. I think they would find both my internal and external manifestations of faith overblown.

And they'd probably think I was a political conservative.

I want to add strenuously that I believe most of them are far better people, and Christians, than I am. Far. We just don't share the same form of piety, even if we are both Catholic.

In most situations in my life -- family, school, work -- I've frequently been the black sheep, the odd one. And I guess so it is here, as well.

Early to Bed

It's not even ten and I'm hitting the sack. I'm sure the feline occupants of this place will be pleased. I've cleaned up a bit, and knitted a bit, and read a bit... I am feeling a little less stressed than when I got home. It's possible there will be something awful waiting for me at work tomorrow... one can never discount that possibility at all. But I'm being more philosophical about it.

Quiet night tomorrow; aunt ferrying on Saturday before Mass and then another quiet night. I need them. Next week is only three days long, followed by my birthday! It will probably be quiet too, but I am fine with it. I'm very much in Hermit Bookworm mode at the moment.

I have discovered a couple of blogs written by practicing Catholic women who are more progressive than some of the other folks I've been reading lately. While I am very much drawn to/a practitioner of traditional devotions (and I don't call the Holy Spirit "she"), I am interested to read what they have to say, because I've definitely been struggling between my pretty darn liberal political views and my religion. More on them and that later.

Tense

I am so sick of being tense and stressed out and, frankly, paranoid at my office.

This is not the life I envisioned for myself when I was a kid. Granted, I had unrealisitic expectations of being a writer when I was a kid. But at no point between consciousness and college graduation did I envision this sort of life.

It all comes down to money. I don't have any -- mostly because of my own stupidity -- and therefore I have no freedom. Or, I should say, I have just enough that I have no freedom. Those without any money at all have a terrible sort of freedom.

Somehow It's Sunday Again

Sigh.

I made a batch of oatmeal cookies today, to take to work. And a pan of shortbread, which I took to my aunt. Who needs me to take her grocery shopping next weekend despite the fact that we have two unemployed people in our immediate family. I'm not sure of the logic there, but I have given up trying to figure it out.

The baked goods do seem to have all turned out well, though, which is gratifying. I hate it when I screw stuff like that up.

So last night I went out with my friend from out of town and one other friend... or, more precisely, I met them at a bar. It sucked a bit, since I knew only them and one other person, and ended up mostly watching sports TV I couldn't hear. I only stayed a couple of hours and came on home. Eh. I'd wanted to stay home and I should have.

I'm just not a social butterfly. I can only relax in certain milieux -- I need to know and like a very large proportion of the people. I don't like it when it's crowded (I got woozily claustrophobic at my family's Easter gathering this year) and I hate it when I feel old, huge, and/or wildly out of place.

These parameters make socializing difficult. Yet, in my Walter Mitty dreams, I am always having wonderful, cozy, intellectual evenings with a great group of smart, educated, interesting, funny, kind, like-minded comrades, with whom I am completely comfortable.

These people don't exist.

Well, they do, sort of. I have a very small handful of friends I feel comfortable with, and they are all indeed smart, educated, funny, and kind. The problems are these: They're almost all partnered, so it's not like we can just gather all together whenever. We're not exactly like-minded -- my religious friends are more politically conservative than I am (not hard to do) and the friends with whom I agree politically range from the apathetically agnostic to the atheist, with some vague "everyone is going to heaven and your religion doesn't matter" sort of things thrown in occasionally. This also means that mixing them up together might not be a good idea, except on the "let's blow up the chemistry lab" principle. And although I feel as comfortable with them as I am likely to feel with anyone, since I've been divorced there's no one I feel completely comfortable with.

And look what happened when I did feel completely comfortable with someone!

Of course in my Walter Mitty dreams we also don't seem to be in the US, but in a beautiful high-ceilinged ancient apartment somewhere in Europe. We're certainly not crammed into my ugly 1970 apartment. I guess that's why they call them fantasies.

It's a full moon, which means work tomorrow will undoubtedly dish up a rich assortment of craziness. Must sleep now.

One of Them

Yesterday, at Trader Joe's, I was one of the people who drive me nuts there. The location closest to home is set up totally differently from the one I normally go to, which is closer to work. I was searching for the garlic pesto. It was not where it "should" have been.

One guy had to ask me to move. One other just stood there with his cart and glowered until I did.

I found the pesto. And realized I'd been doing the "gawping tourist in Trader Joe's" thing... or at least seemed to. Oops.

I did, however, get all my grocery shopping done, then went to confession during an hour of Adoration at a nearby (not my) church. I still get so nervous before I go. I wonder if it would be different if a) I could come up with some new sins this time and/or b) I'd been raised Catholic and had been doing this since I was a kid.

They prayed the Divine Mercy chaplet at 3. I have never prayed this with a group before and I liked it.

I spent the evening drinking beer (!)* and having pizza with some friends from grade/high school in the backyard of one of their parents' house. This is a neighborhood in which I could never dream of living, either as a child or now (especially). So it was nice but it was also kind of wistful. I'd give my right arm for that kitchen!

There we go. I have a new sin for confession next time -- kitchen envy.

*I don't normally drink beer. I can't remember the last full bottle I've drunk before last night.

Age

I know I wrote about this at the time of the election; I can't remember what I was reading but it was something online through the USCCB or something, and I realized it was aimed at "young people."

I am not a young person.

But.

Having said that -- I can't quite conceive of myself as middle-aged, either. In some ways I was always "old before my time," wanting people to send me postcards from their vacations when they just wanted to party; reading "big books" other people rolled their eyes at; struggling with depression and anxiety since middle school; dressing older than my age since I had a very large chest very young; thinking of a night of reading as preferable to a night of socializing most of the time; things like that. In my habits and preferences I haven't changed much since I was about 16. So no wonder I feel I'm still about 16! (OK, except I do the old lady thing of thinking much modern youth fashion -- except the eccentric intellectual kids' clothes -- is crap, and I don't like a lot of modern music -- except the eccentric intellectual kind. ;-)

The genesis of this line of thought is that I've been reading about Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati. What a cool guy! No, seriously. Even if you aren't the least bit religious, read a little about him. Anyone who likes laughter, the outdoors, animals, and/or general conviviality would no doubt like him. Just the fact that I'd say "what a cool guy" about a person on the road to (hopeful) canonization should tell you something.

Yet, he's seen as a patron of youth (and the reason why is obvious). All of the Frassati Societies they link to, save one, are made up of kids. The "save one" made me happy. Unfortunately, none of them are even on the West Coast.

Still, though, this is one more instance where I am identifying as younger than I am. I guess in some ways that's good.

Speaking of Being a Religious Nut

I actually sat down and read Humanae Vitae the other day. It's in the second big thick volume of VII and post-conciliar documents I have.

OK. So now at least I have read it. I am going to read it a few more times, with some time in between.

I am sure many dissenters have read it, but I bet many more have not. I decided I'd better actually read the real document.

I still am not convinced. Obviously I am not a catechist, and if I were, I would simply say, "This is what the Church teaches and why; and by the way, here's a printout of the actual encyclical."

Of course, as a single woman with no potential husband, it's a totally moot point for me (as are a lot of the RCC sticking points). Which is rather a relief really.

So see -- not even a "good Catholic" let alone a religious nut!

One Note

Lately I've only been reading religion books, except for Beowulf at work. When people ask me what I'm reading, it's sometimes embarrassing to say, "Oh, the catechism, and a book about the Blessed Mother, and The Imitation of Christ, and another one about fulfilling your life's purpose through the wisdom of the saints, and then at night sometimes I crack open the huuuuuuuge Navarre New Testament with the massive commentary and read about one chapter."

It makes me sound a) like a complete religious nut and b) like I have one interest in life and that's it.

I'm so not a religious nut. I know some people think I am by virtue of the very fact that I go to Mass every week, but that is only a very basic obligation. I do all sorts of things that would not be in keeping with religious nuttiness -- or even with being a "good Catholic." Or sometimes even with being a "good person."

I do have other interests... I've been knitting (at the moment, a hat and a shawl; finished a cowl for a friend and am waiting on the proper size needle to come in the mail so I can improvise wristers in the same pattern); I've been cooking a bit again; jamming season is just about upon us. If I had the wherewithal, I'd travel a lot.

But in reading, it's generally religious in nature.

Sometimes it makes me laugh ruefully, as when I came across this in Kempis: "Sometimes God will leave you to your own devices, and sometimes your neighbor will irritate you; and what is worse, you will often be a trouble to your own self." (Italics mine.) So. Very. True. My "neighbors" irritate me every day of my life, except sometimes on weekends when I can choose whom to be around.

I am finding a lot in Imitation of Christ that seems harsh, that basically says, "Have no friends and enjoy nothing in this life." Of course he wasn't writing for your average layperson. In this instance St. Francis de Sales' Introduction to the Devout Life is much gentler and more practical. On the other hand, there are gems throughout Imitation like the one above. It's not Scripture, so I can take what is useful to my state in life and take with a grain of salt the things that do not apply.

Still, though, I am having a little bit of an internal struggle. I figure, I'm not in school and outside of work and financial obligations I can pretty much do as I please. (Work/money is a big exception, I realize, but does not extend to my reading material.) So if I want to be on a religion-book bender, who's to criticize? On the other hand, I find people who have only one interest to be unsettling, and I don't want to be that person.

Sort of like how consistently my biggest gripe is "I'm not a housewife." And my biggest wish is "to be a housewife." And how of all the people I might be jealous of, the ones I'd envy most would be housewives. Ad nauseum....

Let Us Hope

that this coming week will not be as emotionally draining and trying as the last one.

Workwise, it's all unbloggable except to say that something has to give and I hope it is not my sanity.

And again I say to the houswives of the world, excepting those in dire poverty/abusive relationships/other really bad situations: Thank God on bended knee every day you are "the boss" of your life. It's unlikely your husband will write you up for missing a spot on the dishes; it's more likely you can arrange your schedule to suit your temperament, especially if you don't have non-school-age kids. And that's just the nutshell version of why I'd give my right arm to be a housewife.

Anyway.

In other arenas, so much work needs to be done, and I feel emotionally and energtically unequipped to deal with it.

Three Wishes

When I was married, my husband and I used to spontaneously ask each other if we had three wishes.

Today these are mine.

1.) I wish I were an extrovert. I wish that the fact that there is a family hanging out at the apartment pool right now on this hot day wouldn't automatically mean I'm not going out there. Or the fact that our building manager routinely makes friends with people in the neighborhood and invites them to use the pool didn't irk me so much. I wish it hadn't taken me 13 years to not utterly dread the passing of the peace in church (I still don't like it and it's one of the plusses of the Latin Mass that they don't do it). I wish my heart didn't sink with dread whenever the phone rings at work -- or that if someone comes into the office to talk to me, that dread didn't become sweaty-palmed anxiety. I wish I could stand two days in a row of social obligations without feeling depressed.

2.) I wish I had a deep, unshakeable faith like some folks I know, and like I did when I was little. I'm definitely in the "Lord, I believe, help Thou my unbelief" category.

3.) I wish I were a natural optimist, not so easily depressed, overwhelmed, flattened by things. I would love to be able to make plans for the future, have confidence, follow through; it would be wonderful if setbacks didn't trigger my natural pessimism and despair.

On an Introversion Scale of 1-10

I'm around about a 15. Just sayin'.

No Pressure!

I've been going to the Saturday 5 PM Mass, but that was replaced with the Easter Vigil last night, and last year's Vigil was so filled with people who talked throughout that I avoided it this year. I went to the 11 AM Mass I used to always go to.

And ended up being a reader and an EMHC. Nothing like showing up on Easter Sunday before the twice-a-year packed house and having to read on the fly!

Stiff Upper Lip Redux

JAY-sus.

The erstwhile friend was so unbelievably rude to me today that the person who witnessed it was utterly gobsmacked.

I just started laughing because there is nothing else to do. I could cry, punch him, or laugh. So I go with Door #3. In addition to the battle of sorrow, fury, and twisted humor, there is also the feeling that this is very, very creepy. Like... what on earth happened to this person to turn him not only into someone who is not my friend any longer, but who has become a rude, graceless stranger? In a way, it's almost scary.

But mostly, sad, infuriating, and bizarrely funny. I could make him miserable by positioning myself into all his conversations... I won't, but the thought of how unhappy that would make him does make me chuckle a bit.

The one thing I really don't like is that this is going to be part of my history for the rest of my life. There will always be that good friend who was abducted by body snatchers and replaced with a jerk, and I will never know how it happened. At this point, I don't even want to know anymore, really.

Stiff Upper Lip

Something is bothering me, and I have to just keep a stiff upper lip and soldier on. It's tiring. It will go away -- it's just a blip -- but it's annoying.

Also, I'm having another one of those "GOD, all men are the same!" moments. I'm 41. You'd think I would not be surprised by the fact that just about every guy, at least straight white American guy, regardless of age, education, personality etc., still strive to catch the grownup cheerleader. And even if they'll settle for an average woman, they will still be very open about what they really find attractive.

I am painting with a wide brush. Perhaps it's unfair. But honestly -- I've been the best pal confidante (willing or unwilling) of umpteen guys in my life -- I've yet to meet the guy who didn't fall into this category. If you're out there, let me know, because you'd really mitigate my despair.

So Here's the Plan

OK, I don't really have one.

Except borrowing against my teeny 401(k) in order to pay off a couple of really bloody annoying bills (Dell and my vet credit card). There should be enough left over for some new work clothes, of which I am in dire need.

I'm participating in a knitting swap, and I need to knit fingerless mitts for an actual knitter, so I'm stressing a little. Instead of using stash (as I was kinda supposed to), because I had nothing of suitable gauge and color, I went and bought two different yarns. Will be swatching tomorrow.

Also tomorrow, I'm going drinking with people I went to elementary school with. Some of them I also went to middle and high school with, but some of them I have not seen since I was ten. I'm a little nervous. I'm going to Mass, then coming home, fixing my makeup and hair and possibly changing clothes, and then off.... Eeek. I just emailed one of the guys and said I hate walking into bars alone, so if he sees me, come grab me. He said he would. Whew. My best friend went to my elementary, middle, and high schools, but he is having none of this. And it's probably good or I'd just stick next to him and not talk to anyone. Thank God for alcohol.

A person I formerly had a casual relationship with has been very flirtatious lately. I am trying to enjoy the flirting while keeping my emotional buffer zone intact. It's so nice not to be all upset about a guy...

Mourning the Lost Hour

I know, daylight fans everywhere are celebrating springing forward. I, a dedicated night person who also cherishes every moment classified as "free time," am mourning my lost hour of the weekend.

Yeah, I guess it's nice for it to be light into the evening. What's not nice is the fact that it really should only be 10:45! Why can't they do this springing forward on a Friday at noon?

I also woke up already having my weekly Sunday night anxiety attack. Argh. It was 10 (or 9) AM! I still had 12 hours before real panic was required. Stupid brain.

Anyway.

The music at Mass last night was horrific. The one-time organ playing is all forgotten. I really don't know how much more of this I can stand; on the other hand, is bad music a legitimate reason to change parishes?

Thankfully, I'm taking Friday off, so it will be a short week. Yes, Mom, I am still wishing my life away, in my 40s...

Today in Lenten Dorkitude

One Friday in Lent last year I stopped by the pizza place next to my mailbox. They had pepperoni personal pizzas, and this time I forgot it was Friday and I ate it without removing the pepperoni. This year I said several times I wasn't going to forget the day of the week again. (Especially since -- how can you miss Fridays?)

Well, I remembered it was Friday when I was already in the drive-through for my chicken strips. Gah!

I ate the French fries and drank the soda and put the chicken strips in the fridge for tomorrow's lunch.

How can I keep forgetting? I don't even eat much meat!

I am also commmmmmmmmmmpletely out of patience. I am having a hard time at work because the quotient of questions that nonplus me is ratcheting up. I've had to actually hold onto the tiny crucifix and Miraculous Medal I've been wearing to remind myself to be polite -- even then, I think the controlled quiet modulation of my voice doesn't sound particularly cheerful.

Sigh!

Gearing Up

Another Sunday night!

I did do the heel on the thrummed sock, but I skipped the thrums for that part. I had to improvise the heel a bit because the directions were a) written for a sock knit on a small circ rather than DPNs and b) not very clear/detailed. Post-heel, I began thrumming again, but the pattern got off a bit. I decided it was no biggie. They're bed socks, they're for me, and only some of the thrums are actually showing through. It's not like they're white thrums on a dark background or anything. They're purple thrums on a variegated purple/teal/gold background.

They will be comfy.

I'm letting my hair dry, about to finish a round of the cashmere birthday cowl, and then go to bed. I always have trouble sleeping on Sunday nights, due to sleeping in in the morning and generalized anxiety. I've been waking up with large doses of anxiety lately and that makes going to sleep fraught with some trepidation as well.

But you can't really get around it. I need to get some more milk and start having my hot vanilla milk before bed again.

Tonight, though, just a quick knit and hopefully a peaceful night.

Lent is Coming

I think I might break out the Lenten Thomas Merton journal I bought a few years ago. I took it to Hawaii on my ill-fated trip and have had a hard time opening it since. But Lent is penitential, no?

And besides, of course, meat on Fridays, I'm giving up bread for Lent. This will be the hardest thing. Not pasta, but breads, rolls, crackers, tortillas. We'll see how that goes. Will I make it to the Triduum with my mind mostly intact?!

I also just made a monthly commitment to Food for the Poor -- not as much as I should, but more than I was. I'm going to keep doing it after Lent, as long as I'm employed (!). I was thinking about how I'm too shy to go out and help the impoverished (or anyone) personally, but setting up EFT shouldn't be that hard. I felt ashamed of myself and my cashmere-yarn first-world ways. So.

Knittin'

I'm having lighting problems, but:


It's a much brighter and cooler color. This yarn -- cotton and silk -- is absolutely delectable.



My thrummed socks (Fleece Artist). They are going to be bed socks -- will be too warm and thick to put into shoes. I'm at the heel, and I've decided to skip the thrums for that part.


This is also a much clearer, brighter orange. It's cashmere and merino, a birthday gift for a friend. I've never knit with such luxurious yarn, and I am madly in love with the KnitPicks Harmony needles I bought to knit it with -- they're beautifully painted, they are slippery and yet warm, and they have fantabulously sharp tips!

I'm working on the scarf and cowl while listening to podcasts on this rainy Sunday.

Catching More Flies with Honey

I decided that rather than openly being the crabby anti-modern-music crank that I am secretly, I would try a more positive tack. A couple of weeks ago the Vigil Mass musician used one of the few Haugen/Hass/Schutte songs I like (it's a Haas). He played it beautifully, too. So I sent him a note and said that while I do come to Mass hoping that we won't have the Haugen/Haas/Schutte triumvirate (I described myself as a "big fan of more traditional music") I did like "You Are Mine" and his playing of it reminded me of why I wished I could play the piano.

It was true, and I also figured that maybe if I phrased it that way, he'd throw me a bone at some future Mass.

And he totally did!! Tonight we had organ for both the processional and the recessional and only one modern piece in the middle!!

Unfortunately, he's lost his day job and may move away and quit. Sigh.

And I was too shy to introduce myself after Mass to compliment him on tonight's music. I think I have only ever introduced myself out of the blue to maybe four people in my entire life. I did email Norah to tell her. Actually I was a reader and as we were going in and the organ started, and I was still in the vestibule, I pumped my arm (down low) and said, "YES!" so I think they gathered my reaction.

Is It Just Me?

I have had several experiences lately -- some with same person, some not; some personal and some professional -- where I write an email, and I get a response that is:

a) not a response to anything I've actually written or asked
b) noddingly refers to what I've written or asked but then morphs into A
c) is a question, the answer of which is in the original email
d) takes offense at something I didn't write or ask in the slightest

I am wondering if I just know a lot of people who are not careful readers, are utterly spacy, or who are passive-aggressive. I can tell you it's extraordinarily frustrating.

Valentine Epiphany

Actually, I didn't really have the epiphany today. It was sneaking up on me, and it became apparent the other day.

I had a dream where someone had fallen in love with me. He was a bit odd, but I tend to like odd people. And I was pleased, in the dream, but not over the moon, and at some dream point I was alone and thinking, "I don't want to get entangled in all this again. Things are easier without it."

Also, someone I once adored has called me a few times this last ten days or so and I have gotten to the point where I don't want to talk to him. For awhile I was sort of "eh" about it, and now I'm really wishing he wouldn't call. I feel somewhat neutral about him, don't wish him any harm or anything, and I'd never tell him not to call, but I'm perfectly pleased when he doesn't.

It's Valentine's Day, and I am absolutely perfectly happy being home, baking bread, having made a salmon-and-rice dinner off the top of my head, reading and plotting my next knitting project. (Not the Sipalu bag. That's under my bed with herbal spicy moth repellent for now.)

Most of my life I felt there was no point to things if you didn't have someone special with which to share them. And it's not that I'd necessarily mind being married again, or having a relationship, but it would have to be something much more amazing and wonderful than what I've had in the last seven or so years. And I'm not even feeling like looking. Maybe I'm in a selfish phase, but I am much happier in it than I've been in my "life sucks when you're alone" phases.

(I do still wish all my chores and all my bills weren't mine, but c'est la vie!)

Mmm, rice

So the rice cooker is working; made a large batch of my beloved brown basmati the other day and have one in now. The place smells like popcorn. Love it.

Just finished my big IKEA cup of Trader Joe's mango black tea, and am beginning to see why people do actually get up and go to Mass on Sunday mornings instead of Saturday evenings, because if I weren't going to go tonight, then I could make some jam or some bread, but a 75-minute absence from 5 to 6:15 would make that a little tricky. But maybe I'll have a second wind when I get home. I know if I got to live on my own body clock, I'd be in the kitchen at midnight.

Oh, living on your own body clock!! Those morning people have no idea how lucky they are to live in a morning-people world...

Sexist Vitamin Commercials!

The One-A-Day for Men's commercial asks, "Should a man over 50 take the same vitamin as a woman?" Then it cuts to a man who says firmly, "I don't think so!"

The same commerical in gender reverse cuts to a woman asking, "There's a choice?"

He has an opinion. She sounds daffy. Bleagh.

And the Debit Card...

...I am not sure why it got refused by the Australian Red Cross, but apparently the fact that I tried to donate to them made the fraud unit put a hold on my card.

WTF???

Also, they said they tried to call me at the number I haven't had for almost three years, and they did not call my cell phone number, which my online profile says IS the number they will call to contact me regarding my account. And which you think they'd have used if they couldn't get me on the other number.

The bank got a tensely polite email summary of all this this evening (including a "what about donating to an international charity in a country undergoing a tragedy set off a fraud alert?!"), after I'd gotten off the phone with the human being I finally contacted by first selecting the "lost or stolen card" option, since that was the only one that got me a CSR. That CSR connected me to the fraud unit. I agree, I hate talking on the phone and would rather conduct any and all business whatsoever via email, but in this case I had to talk to someone. Could they have made it any harder?

OK, rant over!

Operator Error (Sort of)

So I couldn't get the shiny new rice cooker to work tonight. Nothing I pushed did anything.

Later, I futzed again with the cord, which is detachable. I don't like detachable cords and here's a new reason why -- it's hard to keep this one plugged into the back of the cooker. Once I'd gotten it just right, I could work the controls. Everything else about it seems as wonderful as it was advertised, but I'm thinking I may need to figure out some way to secure the cord. I wouldn't want it to fall out of the back of the machine mid-cooking.

I have gotten to the heel of the first thrummed sock.

I don't know if I'm up to trying to figure out how to "keep the thrum pattern" when the whole setup is different. I always have trouble with gussets as it is... So I'm mulling: Sit down and write out how to keep the thrum pattern? Skip the thrum pattern on the heel? Make them into tube socks?

Yeah, I know. Sit down and write it out already!

Tomorrow!

Is Cold

... by our standards, anyway. My stupid nose never warms up!

My fancypants rice cooker is here! It is sitting cutely on the countertop, knowing what time it is without me telling it. I had to go to a parish council meeting and I'm huddled in my room for warmth (and will soon go to bed), so I will have to play with it tomorrow.

I tried to give money to the Australian Red Cross but it wouldn't take my debit card, and then neither would Starbucks. I came home and called the bank, but there was no option to talk to a person. I sent a stressed email... I know from personal experience that the recipient of messages that suggest that said recipient is stupid, or that the recipient had better straighten up, fly right, and immediately cater to the writer regardless of the justness of their demands, simply irritate the bejeesus out of people. So I tried not to be demanding and arrogant and nasty -- but insistent that I needed some kind of communication ASAP. We shall see.

Granted, I hate talking to people on the phone and vastly prefer email, but in this case I really would like to resolve things immediately.

The one thing I can resolve is my freezing nose. Bath time.

Really Sick of These Dreams

You know the list I made recently of my recurring dreams? I had a cool-apartment one the other night/morning. It was, as it has been before, an eccentric version of my previous Victorian apartment. I'm really tired of these dreams. They always have some anxiety about them, as if I know on some level it's just a dream and I am going to wake up in the 1969 box I live in now, and that in fact the likelihood of my ever living someplace truly cool is almost nil.

Yes, I know I am lucky to have as much space and amenities as I do. Much of the world would give their right arm for the chance. This doesn't help the bad feeling I have about these dreams.

Anyway. I sat and knit on my thrummed socks, watched some TLC (which really has very little to do with learning anymore and mostly focuses on babies, it seems) and had some Trader Joe's blueberry green tea in my new IKEA cup. I need strong tea, so for a cup this size, next time it's two teabags. It rained down pretty hard and is now just sprinkling. Bummer. I don't like to drive in the rain, but I love being inside while it crashes down. Actually I don't mind being outside in it either, just not driving. But it would make a Sunday night, my bete noir, much more pleasant.

My fancy-schmancy rice cooker comes tomorrow, but I also have to go to a meeting, which means I will pick up said fancy-schmancy rice cooker, come home, and pretty much have to leave again. Who ever thought Monday nights would be the best time for any kind of meeting? Thursday night, that would be better... only one more day to get through! Anyway, I'm definitely stopping at Starbucks and getting a massive vanilla latte to keep myself going. One must have small delights.

Cozy Evening Coming Up

I went to IKEA with my sister this afternoon. Stocked up on napkins -- IKEA has the best paper napkins in all the world. :-) I buy the large white ones (sometimes large colored ones if I like the other colors on offer), and then bunches of smaller patterned ones. The large ones are excellent everyday napkins -- huge and heavy. I feel a bit dorky when I unload my napkin finds at the checkout, but oh well.

I also bought a big teacup with a saucer that can fit onto the lid to keep it warm. I've been drinking a pot of tea every night and I'd like a big cup to go with.

It looks like it's about to rain. I need to change the sheets, do the dishes, make some dinner, and hunker down in preparation for another tiring workweek. I am going to ask for Friday off to take my car in to get new tires. That would make for a four-day weekend, so I'd be pleased.

And, I've now set it so that when I get new mail, I get Rachel Maddow yelling, "PORN!" See story here (bottom of page, under Ringtones).

Knitting Pictures

The beginning of the Fleece Artist thrummed socks.


The finished Flirty Scarf I gave a friend for Christmas. It looks a lot like the next scarf in this picture, but it's in very bulky yarn (Araucania Limari, merino/alpaca/silk), is reversible and not cabled.


Irish Hiking Scarf, the "scarf of obligation" because I offered to knit it for someone and she bought the yarn. Cabling is definitely a "bang for your buck" technique because it looks harder than it is.


I missed one cable turn, so I made it a design feature -- it's the center back of the scarf.

Pajama Party of One

Back when I was married, one of the things my husband and I did that I really enjoyed was that some nights we'd come home, take our showers right away (we were night showerers -- I still am -- because I want to go to bed clean and with shaven legs, and I'd rather sleep than do anything in the morning), get into our sweats/jammies, and go to bed early. But not really bed, more like a slumber party. We'd sit on the bed, watch TV, have dinner there.

I'm kinda doing that tonight. I had a quick dinner, watched Rachel Maddow, and just got out of the shower (it's 8:30ish). I'm sitting on my bed and about to start a new knitting project -- finally going to tackle the thrummed sock kit my sister got me 18 months ago. Tomorrow I'm going to start the uber-intimidating Sipalu bag, now that I have found a provisional cast-on I think I can do, and I've finished the Scarf of Obligation (pictures once it's dried). I'm too tired to start it tonight!

My apartment is a bit of a mess, and I'm vacillating between minding it and wondering if I mind it just because I should mind it, and whether I should just relax and not worry and enjoy one of the perks of living alone! Eh, I'll think about it tomorrow...

Long Week....end??

It's funny that I'm almost glad the weekend is over!

Yesterday at Mass I was a lector; I thought I had the second reading, but I had the first, and had to sight-read. Then I went to dinner at the home of two of my very conservative anti-abortion friends. We are friends, but not uber-close, and they don't realize I am neither of those things, especially not ever the former. There was some uncomfortable political discussion, during which I was quiet. I feel a little cowardly, inasmuch as they're very comfortable being open about their deep conservatism even in a liberal area, whereas I won't even say, "Actually, I'm a Democrat." But I am much more laissez-faire toward others' political bents than I think they are, and it's easier not to make a tense situation for me a tense situation for everybody.

Today I had pizza with a friend I haven't seen in quite awhile. He doesn't drive and I find that stressful sometimes -- I feel obligated to offer a ride, and yet I must admit to a subtle resentment at that. We live in an area where almost everyone drives and public transportation ain't great. I think I was soured by a woman I worked with who didn't drive, regularly bummed rides back to our neighborhood, and then once proudly proclaimed, "I've never needed to drive!" My thought was, "Then you don't need a ride from me, right?" Which of course I didn't say.

I don't mind if someone is physically unable to drive or absolutely unable to afford a car (neither was the case of my coworker). The latter is the case of the friend today, so that was OK, but I still feel awkward about it, a little. (Sometimes it's bad when I've reached my socialbility limit but still have to drive someone home. Not the case here.) Overall, though, lunch was nice and who doesn't like pizza? (If you don't, I don't want to know.)

I made some sugared lemons when I got home, to slip into tea. You take lemons and pour boiling water over, then slice very thin. Layer each slice with sugar in a jam jar and stick in the fridge. In short order you will have sugary lemons and lemon-flavored simple syrup in the jar. I will try some tomorrow.

The Scarf of Obligation: 2/3 done!

I Can Haz Friday Nao, Plz?

No?

OK... stupid reality.

Oh, hey SG: Yes, I realize that I usually make a great show of never picking up a book, but in secret, I really am a bookworm. I know you'd never know. ;-)

I am currently steeping some apricot ginger black tea -- had the first cup of it last night with the German rock sugar, and it was quite tasty. I liked the tinkling sound of the large sugar crystals as I stirred them, too. Gotta find your happiness in small things sometimes.

I am having some interpersonal workplace unpleasantness, on top of the general workplace stress that's endemic in the US these days (and probably elsewhere as well). I actually do believe it's me -- well, I believe others are acting badly, but the reason that I'm the target of the misbehavior is that I really don't fit in there. Where would I fit in? God only knows. At this juncture I'm just glad to have a paycheck, but someday I'd like to do meaningful work (which I do now) in a congenial, friendly, laid-back atmosphere. My ex-husband has a job like that. So I know they exist... or they did.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd fit in better elsewhere in the country. It would have to be someplace liberal. A liberal place with a slower, friendlier way of life. Where?

Well, not going anywhere anytime soon, barring some kind of massive windfall or something. There are groups at work who play the lottery every week. What's two bucks for a dream? I should find someone(s) to do it with or just do it on my own (no splitting if winning!). Other than that extraordinary longshot, I'm not sure what could catapult me out of my current life situation, at least not in a good way. I still need that life coach!

No Surprise Here

What Kind of Reader Are You? Your Result: Obsessive-Compulsive Bookworm You're probably in the final stages of a Ph.D. or otherwise finding a way to make your living out of reading. You are one of the literati. Other people's grammatical mistakes make you insane.
Dedicated Reader
Book Snob
Literate Good Citizen
Non-Reader
Fad Reader
What Kind of Reader Are You? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

For some reason, the bars aren't showing up, but I'm most of the way across on the first two, halfway across the third, and have nothing on the final two.

I WISH I were in grad school and yes, other people's grammatical mistakes drive me insane. It's actually one of my major failings -- was just having a conversation recently about how nonstandard English from native speakers makes me cry.

Wonderful, Wonderful Day

Oh, thank God that went so well (other than the Chief Justice oath oops), that GWB is gone gone gone, and I no longer have to cringe every time the POTUS speaks.

OK, actually, make that cringe-and-turn-off-the-TV-or-radio.

Whew.

Now if only the economy would pick up. Please God.

It's funny I'm not worrying about losing my job. It could very well happen, as it has happened to many of my coworkers, friends, family. But I kinda figure that so many people are in this boat now, that no one is going to look funny at you, no one can blame you, and there is a network of support. I won't starve, although it could be a little unpleasant.

A little wine for me and some nip for the cats, and we'll survive, though.

I am still plugging away at the scarf I'm knitting for someone, and wishing it were over so I could work on my own stuff. I'm not going to offer to knit for anyone again. I will actually knit for others again -- but I don't intend to offer in advance again. It makes the knitting yet another job to complete when I've already done my time during the day.

Speaking of "doing time," I'm trying not to mope around during my time off counting the hours of freedom left and muttering to the cats how I wish I could just stay at home with them. Housewifery is never going to happen for me, short of a miracle (especially as I've realized I'm happier being single and don't even really feel like putting up with the crap dating entails), and unless I either finally write some blockbuster novel or win the lottery, I will have a day job until I am old. Especially the way things are going. So coloring my free time with sorrow at its brevity is not really helpful!

Also, muttering to the cats is too "crazy cat lady in training."

ETA: I have mastered the Continental purling. It's nowhere near as fast as my English purling, but I can now knit and purl both ways.

And I did get some extra tea today to take to work. I'm trying to insert a little pleasure into everyday life.

Winter Cleaning

Or clean-out, really.

I am down to three storage boxes at my aunt's, which is good. I also found the book from my grandmother's funeral (she died when I was 18 months old). I found out she was also a Gemini (I don't think I knew her birthday before) as well as the church where the funeral Mass was held and at what cemetery she's buried. Since all her family is gone but me I had no one to ask. There was also a list of all her seven siblings. I knew a couple of their names (the girls), but not really the boys. It listed her parents only as "born in Canada" so I'm glad I knew they were from Sydney, Nova Scotia. I was told she herself was born in San Francisco but it only noted she was born in California. But I'm glad to have all the names and to have the Canadian stuff corroborated by independent evidence.

So that's cool.

I'm looking forward to getting my teapot Monday and coming home to christen it. I've ordered some new loose teas, although I could also go over to L'Amyx and get some. I have some of their black ginger tea and I like it, along with Peets' Winter Solstice. I like black teas with flavoring, usually something spicy, though I want to try maple tea. I was going to order some today and decided I'd wait and not be quite so splurgy. I've bought enough stuff lately!

I love peppermint but hate herb teas/tisanes. I'm wondering if you could just blend some peppermint herb tea into a standard black one. Hmmm.

One More Day

and then I can sleep in.

I have to go do some storage-clearing-out on Saturday, so I can't loaf all day, but there will be no 6:45 "It's the End of the World As We Know It" coming from my cell phone for two lovely days.

Been very stressed at work. I did order a little Beehouse teapot (amethyst) to have there so I can brew a pot of tea in the afternoons as something to look forward to. And have something pretty to look at, as well.

Ah, but for now, a hot water bottle, a couple of cats and my pillow-laden bed await me. I'll try it all again tomorrow!

Dreams

I've noticed I repeatedly dream about the same things. I know they say you're not really dreaming about what you're dreaming about, but: I dream about houses (or big, architecturally interesting apartments), travel, cars whose brakes work but not well, and dorms.

Houses: I've only ever lived in two. One was when I was very young and the other was very small. I have always longed for a Victorian a la those my schoolmates lived in. Or something equally sized. My dreams usually have houses with interesting floor plans, and with those kind of back hallways and extra sets of stairs my childhood friends' houses had, exaggerated to dream level.

Apartments: Have lived in two interesting ones -- one was the top floor of a Victorian. I have lived for 11 years in a boring 1969 box, though. So interesting apartment dreams piggyback on my house dreams.

Travel: Love it, have not done nearly enough. Most of my travel dreams involve travel delayed or denied -- like being at the airport but unable to board a flight.

Cars with Bad Brakes: Dunno, except it annoys me when people brake so close that I can't see the tires of the car in front of us.

Dorms: I went to three colleges. At two of them, almost everyone lived on campus and I lived at home. At the third, almost no one lived on campus and I did. At the college I got my degree from, most of the dorms were old, gorgeous, gracious buildings I'd've given my right AND left arms to live in, in addition to the fact that everything there revolved around your residence hall. I'm still mourning that, apparently, because at least once or twice a month I have dreams about living in a dorm.

I wish I could move on, because I'm kinda tired of these dreams.

Bit By Beehouse Bug

I want one of these.

I can't do anything til payday, and I can't decide between tangerine or amethyst. Although I'd like just about every color they have. I want to alternate drinking tea and coffee, and so I might want one at work. I do have teapots here at home, but two are too big for work (one was my mom's and is china, and one is ceramic from Lechter's ten years ago) and two are two expensive/sentimental for work (my two cast-iron Japanese pots, both of which were 40th birthday presents).

But do want!

That Sound You Hear

Is my head exploding from the Continental purling.

I was twisting the stitches. After several hours and practically making a cat's-cradle of my yarn, I have discovered that I have to

a) wrap the yarn not only over my pinky but also over my middle finger, so that it stays taut over my left index finger

b) dip my index finger way down past the left needle in order to scoop the yarn with the right needle

c) use my left thumb to help this new stitch along.

It is ever so slow. I can see where perhaps with much practice, it might be faster than my English purling, but... right now it's going to take me easily six days to make a two-day cowl. And I can't imagine knitting or purling Continental on dpns, which I prefer to circulars for many things.

Oh well. Knowing how to do both will come in handy, and I do like to shift the burdens from one hand to another, which is why I mouse and 10-key left-handed at work.

It's also interesting because I'm generally a loose knitter (shut up), but these stitches are very tight. I imagine they will loosen up when I'm not so intent on getting it right!

Sloooowly

I cast on enough stitches to make, approximately, a plain cowl for myself. I just want something I can pull up over my nose when it's cold in the apartment. And this is my Continental purling lesson -- going to purl the whole thing and then turn it inside out so it curls properly.

I think I have the hang of it from the KnittingHelp site. I don't think I'm twisting them. But it's sooooo verrrrrrrrry slooooooooow. I know I'll get the hang of it, and it's kinda fun, but this cowl is going to take a few extra days, methinks!

Keeps me out of trouble, though.

This I Knew (Sorry the big INFP Isn't Showing Up)

Your Personality is Very Rare (INFP)

Your personality type is dreamy, romantic, elegant, and expressive. Only about 5% of all people have your personality, including 6% of all women and 4% of all men You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

That Was a Week...

... in which my only other close coworker nearly got laid off (but didn't). In which I spent my entire Friday, skipping my lunch and one of my breaks, to work on a last-minute project that is now about 3/4 done but should have been done by COB. In which I knit little, ate much, and definitely decided that a glass of sherry in the evenings is just the ticket.

And my electricity bill was only $80! I'd budgeted $200. This means (taa daa!) that I can buy a new bra. Actually I need a few, but I'm trying one out. When you have a cup size near the middle of the alphabet, you don't go to Macy's (in Hilo or elsewhere) or any other department or lingerie store and check out a selection of frothy dainties in a range of prices.

No.

You get online and select from a small collection of boringly colored industrial strength cantilevers.

So you have to wait for the contraption to appear before you know if you want to buy more. They're always stiff and scratchy at first, too. Bleagh. This one has a support back, which is good. I find that even with straps sewn shorter, my bras never hold me up for long. I keep thinking I need them weighted in back or something! Maybe the presence of extra bra in the back will help.

(BTW this also means you don't ever go out of town without a backup bra, because unless you're going to NYC, you are never going to find a replacement at your destination.)

I would give a lot to be flat-chested. Even if I were thin, I would not be flat-chested. I wore a bra when I was eight. Sigh.

Anyway. Help may be on the way. We'll see.

Meanwhile, turning the heater on (because I can!) and knitting now.

Oh -- I first noticed this in my freshman year of college. In January there is always a day when I feel spring in the air, even if it's still cool or even cold. Today was the day. That's a good thing.

Oddly

Macy's is apparently closing their store on the Big Island of Hawaii. And, though I have only been to Hawaii once, to camp -- I have been in that Macy's. As this trip was disastrous, I remember sort of miserably trudging through it. I was also hoping they had a Macy Woman so I could get a new shirt -- had not done laundry. If they did I didn't see it.

Anyway it seemed a funny thing to me, on the way home from a loooong day.

Knitting Panic

Really.

I ordered this stranded bag kit. I was thinking, "Quick little colorwork in the round."

Uh, no.

Well, sort of. But no.

I got the box yesterday. Lovely big box full of colorful yarn. I looked at the pattern. Then I sat and looked at the box with a sinking feeling. There are side panels, and they're knit flat. That means a) purling Continental for the second color and b) reading a colorwork chart not in the round. Then there's a knitted welt. Then there's a really confusing description of the rest of the bag.

A bit of emotional asthma there for a bit.

I found some in-progress pics on Ravelry and some of it makes more sense now -- the front and back are not knitted flat, but the piece isn't knitted in the round like a tube, finishing the whole circumference at once. The front and back are knitted like circular shawls, only knitting inward instead of outward. I'm still not sure how you get from the side panel to the front to the next side panel to the back. I've offered anyone within a 200-mile radius dinner if I can come by for a tutorial.

However, one thing is certain -- must learn to purl Continental. So, in preparation for this, I am going to make myself a cowl in stockinette, but inside out -- i.e., purling the whole thing and then turning it inside out when I'm done. I can knit Continental, though I only do it for colorwork. Since all my colorwork has been in the round heretofore, I've never had to purl that way. It will be a good learning experience.

As long as I can figure out the rest of the pattern....

Breaking in the Jam Pan

New canner on standalone burner.


Pristine pan ready to go!


Frozen berries in hot copper.


Jam!

I did forget to take a picture of the finished jam. Imagine the purple goodness in a jar. :-) I mixed blueberries and blackberries and was quite pleased with the result. Mmm.

Happy New Year

2008 wasn't the worst year of my life (that would have been 2002), but it certainly won no prizes except for the election!

OK, that's a biggie.

It's still bloody cold here by our standards and I've been taking numerous hot baths because I don't pay for water but I do pay for electricity. I know in eight months or so I will be whining about the heat. I was thinking today that although I've always hankered after living in the Northeast, I don't know if I could handle the wild swings in weather, from snow in the winter to blazing heat and humidity in the summer. I like our more subtle seasons (which we do have; they just don't bludgeon you.)

Having said that, I'd like a white Christmas one year. Preferably in, say, Europe. ;-)

I have numerous emails I need and want to return but need to get my thoughts together, an apartment I should clean up, hated dishes to do, and a scarf I need to knit. This is the last knit-for-someone-else project on my list, and after that I should be able to have some fun. The scarf in question is an Irish Hiking Scarf, and I'm using Fiesta Boomerang in Moulin Rouge. I'm having to go down from a size 8 needle (recommended on the pattern, the yarn, and by the one Ravelry user I found who used this yarn for this scarf) to a 4 in order to get a non-lacy fabric. I'm a loose knitter but this is crazy. I posted something on Ravelry about it but haven't gotten a reply.

I'll get back to that tonight. I think I'll queue up the last DVD in the first season of Scrubs and knit away. Although I had a dream last night that included the entire cast, so that might not be so good. I slept very late, and the later I sleep the weirder my dreams are.

Meanwhile, going out for coffee with a friend, and then coming back here and making myself straighten up. My kingdom for a dishwasher....