I was re-reading my last post and was thinking about how I have a pretty intellectual approach to faith, which probably seems counterintuitive. I had been talking really mostly about the practice of Catholicism and how people with my political views tend not to practice the sort of devotions that appeal to me. I hadn't really been addressing faith per se, or feelings at all. Things like whether or not one believes in the Real Presence are faith-related, of course, but that wasn't the main thrust of my thoughts.
I do wish I still had the rock-solid faith of my childhood, before I (funnily enough) went off to a Catholic college and lost my faith altogether til I was 29 or so. And I do wish I were more emotional about faith. Only once in recent memory have I had an emotional religious experience, while praying the rosary one night on my couch. In general, though, it's much more in my head than an emotional thing.
It's strange, since I can be very emotional in some situations. I wonder if I am afraid of what really breaking down internal emotional barriers, spiritually, might feel like/mean/result in.
In the meantime, I practice the devotions I am drawn to, meet my Sunday and holy day obligations, and try to settle into my niche as a politically liberal theological moderate-to-conservative. Possibly one day I will have the grace of a melted heart as well, or I may stay more Flannery O'Connor-like. We shall see.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Odd Theological Duck
So, I was reading some blogs by more politically moderate-to-liberal Catholic women, and I'm coming to at least the interim conclusion that I am a completely odd duck theologically speaking, at least in this era.
I am a Democrat, and I part ways with traditional Church teaching when it comes to sex. (I'm not advocating sleeping around, but I do not hew the Church line on sex or contraception.) Otherwise, I am rather traditional: I believe in the Real Presence; I am fine with male-only priests; I honor Mary and the Communion of Saints; I love traditional music and chant; I want a formal and reverent liturgy; I say "for us men" in the Creed and I bow at the appropriate time; I don't call the Holy Spirit "she"; I attend Mass every week; I don't take Communion if I haven't gone to Confession and need to; I enjoy the Latin Mass; I wear a veil when I go and have been considering ways to unobtrusively cover my hair at my home parish; I often pray the rosary and/or the Divine Mercy chaplet; I enjoy going to Adoration. Etc.
So I'm not at home in either the trad or progressive camps. The trads are so anti-Democrat it's blinding. But I'm a union woman descended of union men; I'm someone who was raised working-class and is I suppose middle-class now by virtue of education and collar color but barely; someone who is against the death penalty and most of our wars; I believe in big government because I believe we can accomplish more banded together as a nation than as a collection of small groups or even states, and because we can't rely on the whim of people to give to private charities; I believe in a social safety net; I believe consenting non-related adults should be able to be joined legally if they wish and that this is simply a matter of fairness and civil rights and has nothing to do with whether any church should approve.
I can't set all that aside. And I believe that all of it, except my support for gay marriage, IS consistent with Catholic social teaching. None of it, anyway, is banned by Catholic social teaching. Given all that, I can never vote Republican; I can't side with the wealthy, the powerful, the institutionally selfish, the "family values" people who make me cringe (I haven't got a family -- have I no values? And that's code for "No gay people!" anyway); the "I got mine; pick yourself up by your bootstraps and no, I don't give a damn if you haven't got any," etc. (I realize not every Republican is like that... but whenever I hear a GOP politician speak I am appalled.) But it's a rare mantilla-wearing, TLM-attending person who doesn't vote that way. There must be one or two. But not many. And add to that my more relaxed views on sexuality in general...
On the other side, people who share my political views often have very... um... Protestant views of religion, even if they're Catholic. They do tend to do things like call the Holy Spirit "she," to wish for women priests, to blur the lines of the Real Presence, to not practice traditional devotions like the rosary or Adoration, to perhaps find me a bit much since I have statues, icons, and crucifixes at home, go to Confession, always go to Mass, wear crucifixes and medals, and the like. I think they would find both my internal and external manifestations of faith overblown.
And they'd probably think I was a political conservative.
I want to add strenuously that I believe most of them are far better people, and Christians, than I am. Far. We just don't share the same form of piety, even if we are both Catholic.
In most situations in my life -- family, school, work -- I've frequently been the black sheep, the odd one. And I guess so it is here, as well.
I am a Democrat, and I part ways with traditional Church teaching when it comes to sex. (I'm not advocating sleeping around, but I do not hew the Church line on sex or contraception.) Otherwise, I am rather traditional: I believe in the Real Presence; I am fine with male-only priests; I honor Mary and the Communion of Saints; I love traditional music and chant; I want a formal and reverent liturgy; I say "for us men" in the Creed and I bow at the appropriate time; I don't call the Holy Spirit "she"; I attend Mass every week; I don't take Communion if I haven't gone to Confession and need to; I enjoy the Latin Mass; I wear a veil when I go and have been considering ways to unobtrusively cover my hair at my home parish; I often pray the rosary and/or the Divine Mercy chaplet; I enjoy going to Adoration. Etc.
So I'm not at home in either the trad or progressive camps. The trads are so anti-Democrat it's blinding. But I'm a union woman descended of union men; I'm someone who was raised working-class and is I suppose middle-class now by virtue of education and collar color but barely; someone who is against the death penalty and most of our wars; I believe in big government because I believe we can accomplish more banded together as a nation than as a collection of small groups or even states, and because we can't rely on the whim of people to give to private charities; I believe in a social safety net; I believe consenting non-related adults should be able to be joined legally if they wish and that this is simply a matter of fairness and civil rights and has nothing to do with whether any church should approve.
I can't set all that aside. And I believe that all of it, except my support for gay marriage, IS consistent with Catholic social teaching. None of it, anyway, is banned by Catholic social teaching. Given all that, I can never vote Republican; I can't side with the wealthy, the powerful, the institutionally selfish, the "family values" people who make me cringe (I haven't got a family -- have I no values? And that's code for "No gay people!" anyway); the "I got mine; pick yourself up by your bootstraps and no, I don't give a damn if you haven't got any," etc. (I realize not every Republican is like that... but whenever I hear a GOP politician speak I am appalled.) But it's a rare mantilla-wearing, TLM-attending person who doesn't vote that way. There must be one or two. But not many. And add to that my more relaxed views on sexuality in general...
On the other side, people who share my political views often have very... um... Protestant views of religion, even if they're Catholic. They do tend to do things like call the Holy Spirit "she," to wish for women priests, to blur the lines of the Real Presence, to not practice traditional devotions like the rosary or Adoration, to perhaps find me a bit much since I have statues, icons, and crucifixes at home, go to Confession, always go to Mass, wear crucifixes and medals, and the like. I think they would find both my internal and external manifestations of faith overblown.
And they'd probably think I was a political conservative.
I want to add strenuously that I believe most of them are far better people, and Christians, than I am. Far. We just don't share the same form of piety, even if we are both Catholic.
In most situations in my life -- family, school, work -- I've frequently been the black sheep, the odd one. And I guess so it is here, as well.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Early to Bed
It's not even ten and I'm hitting the sack. I'm sure the feline occupants of this place will be pleased. I've cleaned up a bit, and knitted a bit, and read a bit... I am feeling a little less stressed than when I got home. It's possible there will be something awful waiting for me at work tomorrow... one can never discount that possibility at all. But I'm being more philosophical about it.
Quiet night tomorrow; aunt ferrying on Saturday before Mass and then another quiet night. I need them. Next week is only three days long, followed by my birthday! It will probably be quiet too, but I am fine with it. I'm very much in Hermit Bookworm mode at the moment.
I have discovered a couple of blogs written by practicing Catholic women who are more progressive than some of the other folks I've been reading lately. While I am very much drawn to/a practitioner of traditional devotions (and I don't call the Holy Spirit "she"), I am interested to read what they have to say, because I've definitely been struggling between my pretty darn liberal political views and my religion. More on them and that later.
Quiet night tomorrow; aunt ferrying on Saturday before Mass and then another quiet night. I need them. Next week is only three days long, followed by my birthday! It will probably be quiet too, but I am fine with it. I'm very much in Hermit Bookworm mode at the moment.
I have discovered a couple of blogs written by practicing Catholic women who are more progressive than some of the other folks I've been reading lately. While I am very much drawn to/a practitioner of traditional devotions (and I don't call the Holy Spirit "she"), I am interested to read what they have to say, because I've definitely been struggling between my pretty darn liberal political views and my religion. More on them and that later.
Tense
I am so sick of being tense and stressed out and, frankly, paranoid at my office.
This is not the life I envisioned for myself when I was a kid. Granted, I had unrealisitic expectations of being a writer when I was a kid. But at no point between consciousness and college graduation did I envision this sort of life.
It all comes down to money. I don't have any -- mostly because of my own stupidity -- and therefore I have no freedom. Or, I should say, I have just enough that I have no freedom. Those without any money at all have a terrible sort of freedom.
This is not the life I envisioned for myself when I was a kid. Granted, I had unrealisitic expectations of being a writer when I was a kid. But at no point between consciousness and college graduation did I envision this sort of life.
It all comes down to money. I don't have any -- mostly because of my own stupidity -- and therefore I have no freedom. Or, I should say, I have just enough that I have no freedom. Those without any money at all have a terrible sort of freedom.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Somehow It's Sunday Again
Sigh.
I made a batch of oatmeal cookies today, to take to work. And a pan of shortbread, which I took to my aunt. Who needs me to take her grocery shopping next weekend despite the fact that we have two unemployed people in our immediate family. I'm not sure of the logic there, but I have given up trying to figure it out.
The baked goods do seem to have all turned out well, though, which is gratifying. I hate it when I screw stuff like that up.
So last night I went out with my friend from out of town and one other friend... or, more precisely, I met them at a bar. It sucked a bit, since I knew only them and one other person, and ended up mostly watching sports TV I couldn't hear. I only stayed a couple of hours and came on home. Eh. I'd wanted to stay home and I should have.
I'm just not a social butterfly. I can only relax in certain milieux -- I need to know and like a very large proportion of the people. I don't like it when it's crowded (I got woozily claustrophobic at my family's Easter gathering this year) and I hate it when I feel old, huge, and/or wildly out of place.
These parameters make socializing difficult. Yet, in my Walter Mitty dreams, I am always having wonderful, cozy, intellectual evenings with a great group of smart, educated, interesting, funny, kind, like-minded comrades, with whom I am completely comfortable.
These people don't exist.
Well, they do, sort of. I have a very small handful of friends I feel comfortable with, and they are all indeed smart, educated, funny, and kind. The problems are these: They're almost all partnered, so it's not like we can just gather all together whenever. We're not exactly like-minded -- my religious friends are more politically conservative than I am (not hard to do) and the friends with whom I agree politically range from the apathetically agnostic to the atheist, with some vague "everyone is going to heaven and your religion doesn't matter" sort of things thrown in occasionally. This also means that mixing them up together might not be a good idea, except on the "let's blow up the chemistry lab" principle. And although I feel as comfortable with them as I am likely to feel with anyone, since I've been divorced there's no one I feel completely comfortable with.
And look what happened when I did feel completely comfortable with someone!
Of course in my Walter Mitty dreams we also don't seem to be in the US, but in a beautiful high-ceilinged ancient apartment somewhere in Europe. We're certainly not crammed into my ugly 1970 apartment. I guess that's why they call them fantasies.
It's a full moon, which means work tomorrow will undoubtedly dish up a rich assortment of craziness. Must sleep now.
I made a batch of oatmeal cookies today, to take to work. And a pan of shortbread, which I took to my aunt. Who needs me to take her grocery shopping next weekend despite the fact that we have two unemployed people in our immediate family. I'm not sure of the logic there, but I have given up trying to figure it out.
The baked goods do seem to have all turned out well, though, which is gratifying. I hate it when I screw stuff like that up.
So last night I went out with my friend from out of town and one other friend... or, more precisely, I met them at a bar. It sucked a bit, since I knew only them and one other person, and ended up mostly watching sports TV I couldn't hear. I only stayed a couple of hours and came on home. Eh. I'd wanted to stay home and I should have.
I'm just not a social butterfly. I can only relax in certain milieux -- I need to know and like a very large proportion of the people. I don't like it when it's crowded (I got woozily claustrophobic at my family's Easter gathering this year) and I hate it when I feel old, huge, and/or wildly out of place.
These parameters make socializing difficult. Yet, in my Walter Mitty dreams, I am always having wonderful, cozy, intellectual evenings with a great group of smart, educated, interesting, funny, kind, like-minded comrades, with whom I am completely comfortable.
These people don't exist.
Well, they do, sort of. I have a very small handful of friends I feel comfortable with, and they are all indeed smart, educated, funny, and kind. The problems are these: They're almost all partnered, so it's not like we can just gather all together whenever. We're not exactly like-minded -- my religious friends are more politically conservative than I am (not hard to do) and the friends with whom I agree politically range from the apathetically agnostic to the atheist, with some vague "everyone is going to heaven and your religion doesn't matter" sort of things thrown in occasionally. This also means that mixing them up together might not be a good idea, except on the "let's blow up the chemistry lab" principle. And although I feel as comfortable with them as I am likely to feel with anyone, since I've been divorced there's no one I feel completely comfortable with.
And look what happened when I did feel completely comfortable with someone!
Of course in my Walter Mitty dreams we also don't seem to be in the US, but in a beautiful high-ceilinged ancient apartment somewhere in Europe. We're certainly not crammed into my ugly 1970 apartment. I guess that's why they call them fantasies.
It's a full moon, which means work tomorrow will undoubtedly dish up a rich assortment of craziness. Must sleep now.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
One of Them
Yesterday, at Trader Joe's, I was one of the people who drive me nuts there. The location closest to home is set up totally differently from the one I normally go to, which is closer to work. I was searching for the garlic pesto. It was not where it "should" have been.
One guy had to ask me to move. One other just stood there with his cart and glowered until I did.
I found the pesto. And realized I'd been doing the "gawping tourist in Trader Joe's" thing... or at least seemed to. Oops.
I did, however, get all my grocery shopping done, then went to confession during an hour of Adoration at a nearby (not my) church. I still get so nervous before I go. I wonder if it would be different if a) I could come up with some new sins this time and/or b) I'd been raised Catholic and had been doing this since I was a kid.
They prayed the Divine Mercy chaplet at 3. I have never prayed this with a group before and I liked it.
I spent the evening drinking beer (!)* and having pizza with some friends from grade/high school in the backyard of one of their parents' house. This is a neighborhood in which I could never dream of living, either as a child or now (especially). So it was nice but it was also kind of wistful. I'd give my right arm for that kitchen!
There we go. I have a new sin for confession next time -- kitchen envy.
*I don't normally drink beer. I can't remember the last full bottle I've drunk before last night.
One guy had to ask me to move. One other just stood there with his cart and glowered until I did.
I found the pesto. And realized I'd been doing the "gawping tourist in Trader Joe's" thing... or at least seemed to. Oops.
I did, however, get all my grocery shopping done, then went to confession during an hour of Adoration at a nearby (not my) church. I still get so nervous before I go. I wonder if it would be different if a) I could come up with some new sins this time and/or b) I'd been raised Catholic and had been doing this since I was a kid.
They prayed the Divine Mercy chaplet at 3. I have never prayed this with a group before and I liked it.
I spent the evening drinking beer (!)* and having pizza with some friends from grade/high school in the backyard of one of their parents' house. This is a neighborhood in which I could never dream of living, either as a child or now (especially). So it was nice but it was also kind of wistful. I'd give my right arm for that kitchen!
There we go. I have a new sin for confession next time -- kitchen envy.
*I don't normally drink beer. I can't remember the last full bottle I've drunk before last night.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Age
I know I wrote about this at the time of the election; I can't remember what I was reading but it was something online through the USCCB or something, and I realized it was aimed at "young people."
I am not a young person.
But.
Having said that -- I can't quite conceive of myself as middle-aged, either. In some ways I was always "old before my time," wanting people to send me postcards from their vacations when they just wanted to party; reading "big books" other people rolled their eyes at; struggling with depression and anxiety since middle school; dressing older than my age since I had a very large chest very young; thinking of a night of reading as preferable to a night of socializing most of the time; things like that. In my habits and preferences I haven't changed much since I was about 16. So no wonder I feel I'm still about 16! (OK, except I do the old lady thing of thinking much modern youth fashion -- except the eccentric intellectual kids' clothes -- is crap, and I don't like a lot of modern music -- except the eccentric intellectual kind. ;-)
The genesis of this line of thought is that I've been reading about Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati. What a cool guy! No, seriously. Even if you aren't the least bit religious, read a little about him. Anyone who likes laughter, the outdoors, animals, and/or general conviviality would no doubt like him. Just the fact that I'd say "what a cool guy" about a person on the road to (hopeful) canonization should tell you something.
Yet, he's seen as a patron of youth (and the reason why is obvious). All of the Frassati Societies they link to, save one, are made up of kids. The "save one" made me happy. Unfortunately, none of them are even on the West Coast.
Still, though, this is one more instance where I am identifying as younger than I am. I guess in some ways that's good.
I am not a young person.
But.
Having said that -- I can't quite conceive of myself as middle-aged, either. In some ways I was always "old before my time," wanting people to send me postcards from their vacations when they just wanted to party; reading "big books" other people rolled their eyes at; struggling with depression and anxiety since middle school; dressing older than my age since I had a very large chest very young; thinking of a night of reading as preferable to a night of socializing most of the time; things like that. In my habits and preferences I haven't changed much since I was about 16. So no wonder I feel I'm still about 16! (OK, except I do the old lady thing of thinking much modern youth fashion -- except the eccentric intellectual kids' clothes -- is crap, and I don't like a lot of modern music -- except the eccentric intellectual kind. ;-)
The genesis of this line of thought is that I've been reading about Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati. What a cool guy! No, seriously. Even if you aren't the least bit religious, read a little about him. Anyone who likes laughter, the outdoors, animals, and/or general conviviality would no doubt like him. Just the fact that I'd say "what a cool guy" about a person on the road to (hopeful) canonization should tell you something.
Yet, he's seen as a patron of youth (and the reason why is obvious). All of the Frassati Societies they link to, save one, are made up of kids. The "save one" made me happy. Unfortunately, none of them are even on the West Coast.
Still, though, this is one more instance where I am identifying as younger than I am. I guess in some ways that's good.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Speaking of Being a Religious Nut
I actually sat down and read Humanae Vitae the other day. It's in the second big thick volume of VII and post-conciliar documents I have.
OK. So now at least I have read it. I am going to read it a few more times, with some time in between.
I am sure many dissenters have read it, but I bet many more have not. I decided I'd better actually read the real document.
I still am not convinced. Obviously I am not a catechist, and if I were, I would simply say, "This is what the Church teaches and why; and by the way, here's a printout of the actual encyclical."
Of course, as a single woman with no potential husband, it's a totally moot point for me (as are a lot of the RCC sticking points). Which is rather a relief really.
So see -- not even a "good Catholic" let alone a religious nut!
OK. So now at least I have read it. I am going to read it a few more times, with some time in between.
I am sure many dissenters have read it, but I bet many more have not. I decided I'd better actually read the real document.
I still am not convinced. Obviously I am not a catechist, and if I were, I would simply say, "This is what the Church teaches and why; and by the way, here's a printout of the actual encyclical."
Of course, as a single woman with no potential husband, it's a totally moot point for me (as are a lot of the RCC sticking points). Which is rather a relief really.
So see -- not even a "good Catholic" let alone a religious nut!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
One Note
Lately I've only been reading religion books, except for Beowulf at work. When people ask me what I'm reading, it's sometimes embarrassing to say, "Oh, the catechism, and a book about the Blessed Mother, and The Imitation of Christ, and another one about fulfilling your life's purpose through the wisdom of the saints, and then at night sometimes I crack open the huuuuuuuge Navarre New Testament with the massive commentary and read about one chapter."
It makes me sound a) like a complete religious nut and b) like I have one interest in life and that's it.
I'm so not a religious nut. I know some people think I am by virtue of the very fact that I go to Mass every week, but that is only a very basic obligation. I do all sorts of things that would not be in keeping with religious nuttiness -- or even with being a "good Catholic." Or sometimes even with being a "good person."
I do have other interests... I've been knitting (at the moment, a hat and a shawl; finished a cowl for a friend and am waiting on the proper size needle to come in the mail so I can improvise wristers in the same pattern); I've been cooking a bit again; jamming season is just about upon us. If I had the wherewithal, I'd travel a lot.
But in reading, it's generally religious in nature.
Sometimes it makes me laugh ruefully, as when I came across this in Kempis: "Sometimes God will leave you to your own devices, and sometimes your neighbor will irritate you; and what is worse, you will often be a trouble to your own self." (Italics mine.) So. Very. True. My "neighbors" irritate me every day of my life, except sometimes on weekends when I can choose whom to be around.
I am finding a lot in Imitation of Christ that seems harsh, that basically says, "Have no friends and enjoy nothing in this life." Of course he wasn't writing for your average layperson. In this instance St. Francis de Sales' Introduction to the Devout Life is much gentler and more practical. On the other hand, there are gems throughout Imitation like the one above. It's not Scripture, so I can take what is useful to my state in life and take with a grain of salt the things that do not apply.
Still, though, I am having a little bit of an internal struggle. I figure, I'm not in school and outside of work and financial obligations I can pretty much do as I please. (Work/money is a big exception, I realize, but does not extend to my reading material.) So if I want to be on a religion-book bender, who's to criticize? On the other hand, I find people who have only one interest to be unsettling, and I don't want to be that person.
Sort of like how consistently my biggest gripe is "I'm not a housewife." And my biggest wish is "to be a housewife." And how of all the people I might be jealous of, the ones I'd envy most would be housewives. Ad nauseum....
It makes me sound a) like a complete religious nut and b) like I have one interest in life and that's it.
I'm so not a religious nut. I know some people think I am by virtue of the very fact that I go to Mass every week, but that is only a very basic obligation. I do all sorts of things that would not be in keeping with religious nuttiness -- or even with being a "good Catholic." Or sometimes even with being a "good person."
I do have other interests... I've been knitting (at the moment, a hat and a shawl; finished a cowl for a friend and am waiting on the proper size needle to come in the mail so I can improvise wristers in the same pattern); I've been cooking a bit again; jamming season is just about upon us. If I had the wherewithal, I'd travel a lot.
But in reading, it's generally religious in nature.
Sometimes it makes me laugh ruefully, as when I came across this in Kempis: "Sometimes God will leave you to your own devices, and sometimes your neighbor will irritate you; and what is worse, you will often be a trouble to your own self." (Italics mine.) So. Very. True. My "neighbors" irritate me every day of my life, except sometimes on weekends when I can choose whom to be around.
I am finding a lot in Imitation of Christ that seems harsh, that basically says, "Have no friends and enjoy nothing in this life." Of course he wasn't writing for your average layperson. In this instance St. Francis de Sales' Introduction to the Devout Life is much gentler and more practical. On the other hand, there are gems throughout Imitation like the one above. It's not Scripture, so I can take what is useful to my state in life and take with a grain of salt the things that do not apply.
Still, though, I am having a little bit of an internal struggle. I figure, I'm not in school and outside of work and financial obligations I can pretty much do as I please. (Work/money is a big exception, I realize, but does not extend to my reading material.) So if I want to be on a religion-book bender, who's to criticize? On the other hand, I find people who have only one interest to be unsettling, and I don't want to be that person.
Sort of like how consistently my biggest gripe is "I'm not a housewife." And my biggest wish is "to be a housewife." And how of all the people I might be jealous of, the ones I'd envy most would be housewives. Ad nauseum....
Let Us Hope
that this coming week will not be as emotionally draining and trying as the last one.
Workwise, it's all unbloggable except to say that something has to give and I hope it is not my sanity.
And again I say to the houswives of the world, excepting those in dire poverty/abusive relationships/other really bad situations: Thank God on bended knee every day you are "the boss" of your life. It's unlikely your husband will write you up for missing a spot on the dishes; it's more likely you can arrange your schedule to suit your temperament, especially if you don't have non-school-age kids. And that's just the nutshell version of why I'd give my right arm to be a housewife.
Anyway.
In other arenas, so much work needs to be done, and I feel emotionally and energtically unequipped to deal with it.
Workwise, it's all unbloggable except to say that something has to give and I hope it is not my sanity.
And again I say to the houswives of the world, excepting those in dire poverty/abusive relationships/other really bad situations: Thank God on bended knee every day you are "the boss" of your life. It's unlikely your husband will write you up for missing a spot on the dishes; it's more likely you can arrange your schedule to suit your temperament, especially if you don't have non-school-age kids. And that's just the nutshell version of why I'd give my right arm to be a housewife.
Anyway.
In other arenas, so much work needs to be done, and I feel emotionally and energtically unequipped to deal with it.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Three Wishes
When I was married, my husband and I used to spontaneously ask each other if we had three wishes.
Today these are mine.
1.) I wish I were an extrovert. I wish that the fact that there is a family hanging out at the apartment pool right now on this hot day wouldn't automatically mean I'm not going out there. Or the fact that our building manager routinely makes friends with people in the neighborhood and invites them to use the pool didn't irk me so much. I wish it hadn't taken me 13 years to not utterly dread the passing of the peace in church (I still don't like it and it's one of the plusses of the Latin Mass that they don't do it). I wish my heart didn't sink with dread whenever the phone rings at work -- or that if someone comes into the office to talk to me, that dread didn't become sweaty-palmed anxiety. I wish I could stand two days in a row of social obligations without feeling depressed.
2.) I wish I had a deep, unshakeable faith like some folks I know, and like I did when I was little. I'm definitely in the "Lord, I believe, help Thou my unbelief" category.
3.) I wish I were a natural optimist, not so easily depressed, overwhelmed, flattened by things. I would love to be able to make plans for the future, have confidence, follow through; it would be wonderful if setbacks didn't trigger my natural pessimism and despair.
Today these are mine.
1.) I wish I were an extrovert. I wish that the fact that there is a family hanging out at the apartment pool right now on this hot day wouldn't automatically mean I'm not going out there. Or the fact that our building manager routinely makes friends with people in the neighborhood and invites them to use the pool didn't irk me so much. I wish it hadn't taken me 13 years to not utterly dread the passing of the peace in church (I still don't like it and it's one of the plusses of the Latin Mass that they don't do it). I wish my heart didn't sink with dread whenever the phone rings at work -- or that if someone comes into the office to talk to me, that dread didn't become sweaty-palmed anxiety. I wish I could stand two days in a row of social obligations without feeling depressed.
2.) I wish I had a deep, unshakeable faith like some folks I know, and like I did when I was little. I'm definitely in the "Lord, I believe, help Thou my unbelief" category.
3.) I wish I were a natural optimist, not so easily depressed, overwhelmed, flattened by things. I would love to be able to make plans for the future, have confidence, follow through; it would be wonderful if setbacks didn't trigger my natural pessimism and despair.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
No Pressure!
I've been going to the Saturday 5 PM Mass, but that was replaced with the Easter Vigil last night, and last year's Vigil was so filled with people who talked throughout that I avoided it this year. I went to the 11 AM Mass I used to always go to.
And ended up being a reader and an EMHC. Nothing like showing up on Easter Sunday before the twice-a-year packed house and having to read on the fly!
And ended up being a reader and an EMHC. Nothing like showing up on Easter Sunday before the twice-a-year packed house and having to read on the fly!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Stiff Upper Lip Redux
JAY-sus.
The erstwhile friend was so unbelievably rude to me today that the person who witnessed it was utterly gobsmacked.
I just started laughing because there is nothing else to do. I could cry, punch him, or laugh. So I go with Door #3. In addition to the battle of sorrow, fury, and twisted humor, there is also the feeling that this is very, very creepy. Like... what on earth happened to this person to turn him not only into someone who is not my friend any longer, but who has become a rude, graceless stranger? In a way, it's almost scary.
But mostly, sad, infuriating, and bizarrely funny. I could make him miserable by positioning myself into all his conversations... I won't, but the thought of how unhappy that would make him does make me chuckle a bit.
The one thing I really don't like is that this is going to be part of my history for the rest of my life. There will always be that good friend who was abducted by body snatchers and replaced with a jerk, and I will never know how it happened. At this point, I don't even want to know anymore, really.
The erstwhile friend was so unbelievably rude to me today that the person who witnessed it was utterly gobsmacked.
I just started laughing because there is nothing else to do. I could cry, punch him, or laugh. So I go with Door #3. In addition to the battle of sorrow, fury, and twisted humor, there is also the feeling that this is very, very creepy. Like... what on earth happened to this person to turn him not only into someone who is not my friend any longer, but who has become a rude, graceless stranger? In a way, it's almost scary.
But mostly, sad, infuriating, and bizarrely funny. I could make him miserable by positioning myself into all his conversations... I won't, but the thought of how unhappy that would make him does make me chuckle a bit.
The one thing I really don't like is that this is going to be part of my history for the rest of my life. There will always be that good friend who was abducted by body snatchers and replaced with a jerk, and I will never know how it happened. At this point, I don't even want to know anymore, really.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Stiff Upper Lip
Something is bothering me, and I have to just keep a stiff upper lip and soldier on. It's tiring. It will go away -- it's just a blip -- but it's annoying.
Also, I'm having another one of those "GOD, all men are the same!" moments. I'm 41. You'd think I would not be surprised by the fact that just about every guy, at least straight white American guy, regardless of age, education, personality etc., still strive to catch the grownup cheerleader. And even if they'll settle for an average woman, they will still be very open about what they really find attractive.
I am painting with a wide brush. Perhaps it's unfair. But honestly -- I've been the best pal confidante (willing or unwilling) of umpteen guys in my life -- I've yet to meet the guy who didn't fall into this category. If you're out there, let me know, because you'd really mitigate my despair.
Also, I'm having another one of those "GOD, all men are the same!" moments. I'm 41. You'd think I would not be surprised by the fact that just about every guy, at least straight white American guy, regardless of age, education, personality etc., still strive to catch the grownup cheerleader. And even if they'll settle for an average woman, they will still be very open about what they really find attractive.
I am painting with a wide brush. Perhaps it's unfair. But honestly -- I've been the best pal confidante (willing or unwilling) of umpteen guys in my life -- I've yet to meet the guy who didn't fall into this category. If you're out there, let me know, because you'd really mitigate my despair.
Friday, March 13, 2009
So Here's the Plan
OK, I don't really have one.
Except borrowing against my teeny 401(k) in order to pay off a couple of really bloody annoying bills (Dell and my vet credit card). There should be enough left over for some new work clothes, of which I am in dire need.
I'm participating in a knitting swap, and I need to knit fingerless mitts for an actual knitter, so I'm stressing a little. Instead of using stash (as I was kinda supposed to), because I had nothing of suitable gauge and color, I went and bought two different yarns. Will be swatching tomorrow.
Also tomorrow, I'm going drinking with people I went to elementary school with. Some of them I also went to middle and high school with, but some of them I have not seen since I was ten. I'm a little nervous. I'm going to Mass, then coming home, fixing my makeup and hair and possibly changing clothes, and then off.... Eeek. I just emailed one of the guys and said I hate walking into bars alone, so if he sees me, come grab me. He said he would. Whew. My best friend went to my elementary, middle, and high schools, but he is having none of this. And it's probably good or I'd just stick next to him and not talk to anyone. Thank God for alcohol.
A person I formerly had a casual relationship with has been very flirtatious lately. I am trying to enjoy the flirting while keeping my emotional buffer zone intact. It's so nice not to be all upset about a guy...
Except borrowing against my teeny 401(k) in order to pay off a couple of really bloody annoying bills (Dell and my vet credit card). There should be enough left over for some new work clothes, of which I am in dire need.
I'm participating in a knitting swap, and I need to knit fingerless mitts for an actual knitter, so I'm stressing a little. Instead of using stash (as I was kinda supposed to), because I had nothing of suitable gauge and color, I went and bought two different yarns. Will be swatching tomorrow.
Also tomorrow, I'm going drinking with people I went to elementary school with. Some of them I also went to middle and high school with, but some of them I have not seen since I was ten. I'm a little nervous. I'm going to Mass, then coming home, fixing my makeup and hair and possibly changing clothes, and then off.... Eeek. I just emailed one of the guys and said I hate walking into bars alone, so if he sees me, come grab me. He said he would. Whew. My best friend went to my elementary, middle, and high schools, but he is having none of this. And it's probably good or I'd just stick next to him and not talk to anyone. Thank God for alcohol.
A person I formerly had a casual relationship with has been very flirtatious lately. I am trying to enjoy the flirting while keeping my emotional buffer zone intact. It's so nice not to be all upset about a guy...
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Mourning the Lost Hour
I know, daylight fans everywhere are celebrating springing forward. I, a dedicated night person who also cherishes every moment classified as "free time," am mourning my lost hour of the weekend.
Yeah, I guess it's nice for it to be light into the evening. What's not nice is the fact that it really should only be 10:45! Why can't they do this springing forward on a Friday at noon?
I also woke up already having my weekly Sunday night anxiety attack. Argh. It was 10 (or 9) AM! I still had 12 hours before real panic was required. Stupid brain.
Anyway.
The music at Mass last night was horrific. The one-time organ playing is all forgotten. I really don't know how much more of this I can stand; on the other hand, is bad music a legitimate reason to change parishes?
Thankfully, I'm taking Friday off, so it will be a short week. Yes, Mom, I am still wishing my life away, in my 40s...
Yeah, I guess it's nice for it to be light into the evening. What's not nice is the fact that it really should only be 10:45! Why can't they do this springing forward on a Friday at noon?
I also woke up already having my weekly Sunday night anxiety attack. Argh. It was 10 (or 9) AM! I still had 12 hours before real panic was required. Stupid brain.
Anyway.
The music at Mass last night was horrific. The one-time organ playing is all forgotten. I really don't know how much more of this I can stand; on the other hand, is bad music a legitimate reason to change parishes?
Thankfully, I'm taking Friday off, so it will be a short week. Yes, Mom, I am still wishing my life away, in my 40s...
Friday, March 6, 2009
Today in Lenten Dorkitude
One Friday in Lent last year I stopped by the pizza place next to my mailbox. They had pepperoni personal pizzas, and this time I forgot it was Friday and I ate it without removing the pepperoni. This year I said several times I wasn't going to forget the day of the week again. (Especially since -- how can you miss Fridays?)
Well, I remembered it was Friday when I was already in the drive-through for my chicken strips. Gah!
I ate the French fries and drank the soda and put the chicken strips in the fridge for tomorrow's lunch.
How can I keep forgetting? I don't even eat much meat!
I am also commmmmmmmmmmpletely out of patience. I am having a hard time at work because the quotient of questions that nonplus me is ratcheting up. I've had to actually hold onto the tiny crucifix and Miraculous Medal I've been wearing to remind myself to be polite -- even then, I think the controlled quiet modulation of my voice doesn't sound particularly cheerful.
Sigh!
Well, I remembered it was Friday when I was already in the drive-through for my chicken strips. Gah!
I ate the French fries and drank the soda and put the chicken strips in the fridge for tomorrow's lunch.
How can I keep forgetting? I don't even eat much meat!
I am also commmmmmmmmmmpletely out of patience. I am having a hard time at work because the quotient of questions that nonplus me is ratcheting up. I've had to actually hold onto the tiny crucifix and Miraculous Medal I've been wearing to remind myself to be polite -- even then, I think the controlled quiet modulation of my voice doesn't sound particularly cheerful.
Sigh!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Gearing Up
Another Sunday night!
I did do the heel on the thrummed sock, but I skipped the thrums for that part. I had to improvise the heel a bit because the directions were a) written for a sock knit on a small circ rather than DPNs and b) not very clear/detailed. Post-heel, I began thrumming again, but the pattern got off a bit. I decided it was no biggie. They're bed socks, they're for me, and only some of the thrums are actually showing through. It's not like they're white thrums on a dark background or anything. They're purple thrums on a variegated purple/teal/gold background.
They will be comfy.
I'm letting my hair dry, about to finish a round of the cashmere birthday cowl, and then go to bed. I always have trouble sleeping on Sunday nights, due to sleeping in in the morning and generalized anxiety. I've been waking up with large doses of anxiety lately and that makes going to sleep fraught with some trepidation as well.
But you can't really get around it. I need to get some more milk and start having my hot vanilla milk before bed again.
Tonight, though, just a quick knit and hopefully a peaceful night.
I did do the heel on the thrummed sock, but I skipped the thrums for that part. I had to improvise the heel a bit because the directions were a) written for a sock knit on a small circ rather than DPNs and b) not very clear/detailed. Post-heel, I began thrumming again, but the pattern got off a bit. I decided it was no biggie. They're bed socks, they're for me, and only some of the thrums are actually showing through. It's not like they're white thrums on a dark background or anything. They're purple thrums on a variegated purple/teal/gold background.
They will be comfy.
I'm letting my hair dry, about to finish a round of the cashmere birthday cowl, and then go to bed. I always have trouble sleeping on Sunday nights, due to sleeping in in the morning and generalized anxiety. I've been waking up with large doses of anxiety lately and that makes going to sleep fraught with some trepidation as well.
But you can't really get around it. I need to get some more milk and start having my hot vanilla milk before bed again.
Tonight, though, just a quick knit and hopefully a peaceful night.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Lent is Coming
I think I might break out the Lenten Thomas Merton journal I bought a few years ago. I took it to Hawaii on my ill-fated trip and have had a hard time opening it since. But Lent is penitential, no?
And besides, of course, meat on Fridays, I'm giving up bread for Lent. This will be the hardest thing. Not pasta, but breads, rolls, crackers, tortillas. We'll see how that goes. Will I make it to the Triduum with my mind mostly intact?!
I also just made a monthly commitment to Food for the Poor -- not as much as I should, but more than I was. I'm going to keep doing it after Lent, as long as I'm employed (!). I was thinking about how I'm too shy to go out and help the impoverished (or anyone) personally, but setting up EFT shouldn't be that hard. I felt ashamed of myself and my cashmere-yarn first-world ways. So.
And besides, of course, meat on Fridays, I'm giving up bread for Lent. This will be the hardest thing. Not pasta, but breads, rolls, crackers, tortillas. We'll see how that goes. Will I make it to the Triduum with my mind mostly intact?!
I also just made a monthly commitment to Food for the Poor -- not as much as I should, but more than I was. I'm going to keep doing it after Lent, as long as I'm employed (!). I was thinking about how I'm too shy to go out and help the impoverished (or anyone) personally, but setting up EFT shouldn't be that hard. I felt ashamed of myself and my cashmere-yarn first-world ways. So.
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